Bittersweet.

Again I’ve neglected this poor blog awhile until I have something going on, but here I am again!

Tonight I’m not sad but I’m not happy either. Tonight marks the series finale of one of my favorite shows, of a show that’s kept me smiling and laughing and falling in love with the characters for years, tonight Parks and Rec, the Pawnee, Indiana Parks department is leaving me. It’s time to say goodbye to Leslie, who taught me it was okay and encouraged to be weird and passionate about things you love and care about, to Ben, who is the closest version of myself I’ve ever seen in a fictional platform – the nerd who geeks out about TV shows and Batman suits but who everyone loves and who found his soul-mate who thinks he’s the best. To Andy, the dork who is more like an exuberant puppy than anything else but who loves so fiercely and so loyally he’d do anything for his wife.  To April, who has a tough exterior but cares inside and is passionate and who won’t give up on her dreams. To Tom and Donna, who know how to treat themselves when it’s needed but to stay on track and do what needs to be done. To Ron, one of a kind, meat loving, no-nonsense Ron Swanson. To the entire department, that while they may be fictional, have meant as much to me as many of my dear friends and who have taught me just as much.

I’m also feeling bittersweet because this week marks two of my good friends moving away, out of Kansas. One to California, to be with her girlfriend and I am so, so happy for her, this is a great opportunity but I’ll miss the times and laughter we’ve shared. The other friend, to D.C., again this is a great opportunity for him and one that’ll take him closer to his dreams and give him more career paths to choose from. This week marks saying goodbye to them as well. I’m rotten at goodbyes, and change, even when they’ll inevitably be for the better.

I’m not sad completely, but goodbyes to people and to TV shows are hard.

A List.

I’m pretty sure it’s not recommended to make lists of how you want your future relationship to be – it can lead to unrealistic expectations and all that, but I’m doing it anyways. Obviously, some are just things I want that are totally up to change, but some are totally non-negotiable.

• Must love Jesus more than he will ever love me.
• Must be kind and understanding and respectful and patient to people.
• Must be a spiritual leader who will help me learn more about Jesus and grow with me.
• Must be okay with my depression/anxiety and not be scared away by it.
• Must love at least some of the music (Fall Out Boy) and TV shows I do.
• Must be up for acting ridiculous and going on dumb adventures.
• Preferably taller than me.
• Preferably someone who dresses super hipster but is really a nerd.
• Maybe also like WWE, or at least be up for watching it with me.
• Preferably feel the same as I do about Sonic, IHOP and Taco Bell, or at least support me in these food habits.
• It would be hecka rad if this hypothetical future boy had tattoos.
• Oh I hope he loves cats or at least is okay with cats.
• I also hope my crazy/mean mother doesn’t scare him away.

This is a dumb thing to make a list of when I’m more single than I’ve ever been but hey, I’m at work in the middle of the night and have a lot of time to write what’s in my head.

Plus I’m pretty sure I maybe have one reader on here?

Happiness.

The past few months have been weird and a time of more growth that I knew possible and things changing and losing people and getting new jobs and learning to be. Learning to be me, to be an adult, to be single, to be a friend.

As of today, I’m happy (er). Things aren’t all great, life is still painful and I still have a lot of uncertainty but I have a lot of good too.

I’m loved, I’m farther in the hiring process for my dream job than I’ve ever gotten, I am in a house with people who love me, my friends care, I had tacos and pancakes yesterday, I’m getting more tattoos soon and most importantly, God thinks I’m so important and cares about me so much.

This past week my church had a 3 night revival that was crazy to see how God has been working, I don’t know what He did in the hearts of those who don’t know Him but I saw so much love and growth and grace stem from this week, so many hearts were revived and set on fire anew for Him. Our relationships with God and each other have all strengthened and so many of us have grown in our love for Him and our prayer lives and grown in trusting Him.

I’m not strong, but I have God’s strength in me, through Christ I can get through anything, I have Him beside me, as my best friend, my confidant and my protector.

And because of that, I can face whatever comes my way.

I serve a rad God.

The past few months have been hard – really hard. I’ve struggled with being in a job I hate, I’ve lost a best friend to a lot of crap and pain and hurt and I lost the boy I thought I would marry. During those times though, God never once failed me, He has never looked at me and I thought I was too much work, He has never seen me crying out and thought I was too annoying or too  broken or too anything – I am His child, and He has loved me throughout.

Since September, 90% of my life has changed but while a lot of it was extremely painful, so much of it has also been a beautiful growing experience. I know 100% who my real family is, the friends who will drop everything to come make sure I’m okay, to bring me ice cream when I’m down, to watch movies with me so I’m not alone to just love me and be with me – the ones who really care. And that’s.. beautiful. That’s something I’ve never had before.  I have been loved many ways throughout my life but not like this, I’m usually the side character, the replaceable friend, not the “drop everything for” friend and having this kind of love is, it turns out, a beautiful blessing.

I admit before these hard months I wasn’t necessarily practicing  my faith as I should have, I had faltered, gotten away from where I should be and just been too stressed and busy trying to make my own way. (Which is dumb, I can’t do that)

I’m still so far away from where I should be but I’m learning, I’m growing and I’m leaning on God so much more than ever, not just in the hard times but now that things are getting better too.

God  brought me His son and this amazing church family and friends outside of church too that love me even though I don’t know why.

God, I don’t deserve anything. I panic, I freak out and I definitely don’t trust but here I am, being taken care of anyways.

Thank

I’m Thankful

• For people who care
• For pancakes and IHOP
• For my kind and adorable sister
• For a cuddly cat to be around
• For Netflix to distract from feelings
• For music to drown out thoughts
• For Fall Out Boy
• That my family was only here 24 hours
• For pie
• For eating til I feel awful
• For Dr Pepper that’s there for me when I need it
• Coffee to keep me awake when my parents screwed up my schedule
• For when the holiday season will be over

Good Things

(A compilation of good things of this week so I don’t forget and can look at)

• Coffee with friends
• PANCAKES
• People willing to spend time with me for my birthday
• Celebrating my birthday with the people I’m closest to in the world
• Broken hearts healing
• NEW FALL OUT BOY SONG
• WWE
• NEW FALL OUT BOY ALBUM IN LESS THAN 2 MONTHS
• A band that has such deep and meaningful lyrics they can get me through over 10 years of hard times
• Hanging with Sonjay and Tia like old times
• Laughing at dumb jokes in the mall
• Getting an entire bag of free scones from Radinas because I was there at closing
• Long talks about important things
• Unexpected birthday presents
• People thinking about you
• People wanting to talk to you :3
• Love

I think I fell in love again, maybe I just took too much cough medicine.

The past days have been better – yesterday we celebrated my birthday early and even though it meant I was running on only 3 hours of sleep – it was very good for my soul.

Sonjay, Jay and I went to see Mockingjay and then went to IHOP and had a lot of delightful pancakes. After that, Tia and Sonjay and I briefly had coffee together and then I left to go watch the WWE Survivor Series with Jay.

It might not seem like much but honestly having those 3 especially who are always there for me and who took time out to spend with me – they’re so lovely. I’m so blessed to have them and even if that day sounds lame it was the best birthday celebration I’ve ever had.

And today – today Fall Out Boy came out with an AMAZING new song and released the date for their new album and that fills me with more joy than I can describe.

Winter is Hard.

Every year when it gets cold I try so hard not to complain – I hate the cold, it makes me miserable and it makes my depression flair up without fail. (It doesn’t help that I’m the kind of person that gets cold in the summer so when it’s 13 degrees I’m definitely not happy..) But I figure complaining doesn’t help anyone and is really just annoying so I need to stop. And I’m trying, I am.

This post isn’t complaining about the weather – necessarily, it’s complaining about a lot of other stuff. (Man I need to start writing occasionally when I’m happy too not just angst everywhere.)

I hate my 20s. My mom told me the other day the my early 20’s will be the happiest I’ll ever be and I hope to God she’s wrong because I have very few times these past few years when I’m actually truly happy. I’ll have good days here and there, and I can definitely recognize good things that happen to me (God is so faithful to me no matter how my life looks overall) but I’m sad. I’m really sad.

I’m single and I don’t want to be, I’m in a dead end job I don’t want to be at and I’m in the Midwest. None of these things are good. And yes, objectively I know in this day and age many people are in dead end jobs and not where they want to be. And yes I know, I know, everyone says there’s someone out there for me. But not now. None of those good things are happening to me now and as much as I try to be optimistic, my depression won’t let.

It’s worse this week and I don’t know why. My anxiety and people being busy and not hanging out with the people I really wanted to this week have made me really sad right now. I’m at work at 1am typing this up and doing my best not to cry. I did earlier you know – a friend cancelled plans for perfectly understandable and legitimate reasons and I cried for half an hour. What the heck is even wrong with me?

Why can’t I just be content? Why can’t I be happy?

I hate being sad. And winter has only begun.

I turn 23 this week and it sure feels in my head like Blink-182 was right when they said no one likes you at 23.

*I know people like me and I know I have great friends and I know I’m whining and I have no right to be this sad when other people have it so much worse. I’m just in a crappy mood.*

Hard.

Today is hard and healing is hard and adulthood is hard. My heart has been better recently, there’s been laughter, and coffee and friends and Jesus being good all the time despite my feelings.

Right now I don’t want to go to work and I don’t want to be alone and I don’t want to be an adult but I don’t have a choice of any of those things. I want to be hugged and I want to be loved and get coffee with someone and talk or watch a movie. I want someone I can lean my head on their shoulder and cry like I feel like doing.

I know things will get better, and they have been going better as of late but some days are hard and hopeless.

And it appears the seasonal depression is also settling in..

I wish I knew how to love myself. I wish I knew how to stop loving him.

It’s weird, knowing things objectively – like, we don’t belong together, this break up is for the best, I’m worthy of love because Jesus loves me, things like that, but not being able to truly know them.  I don’t see anything good in myself – I really never have and I want to but don’t know how to begin.

It’s a month today – I’m sitting in my room eating ice cream and crying. This week will actually be good, I have a lot of plans and things will be good. Right now- 11pm by myself, this is not good. I want healing to be easier. I want to be the person God wants me to be and I wish I knew how to do all of those things.

Growing up and having a broken heart is so much harder than one would imagine.

Better.

This week has been.. bad. Like, extraordinarily bad. I’ve been heartbroken for a month now, learning to be single again, learning to get over love, all that. I’m bad at it – really bad. I thought I was doing okay, or getting to okay at least but then he texted me- out of the blue he texted me and it destroyed me again and killed my entire week. He was just asking how I was and soon realized it was too soon but it killed me and led to me crying in my car for 20 minutes in a parking lot.

On top of that – it’s midterm week – ALL of my friends were busy. I’ve been lonely anyways but this was extraordinarily painful – no one to hang out with for a week straight – work, go home, Netflix (which even I am getting bored of), go to sleep, repeat. It’s been horrendous as someone who can’t be alone because I think too much, cry too much, do nothing but feel bad for myself. Depression is bad alone, but everything else on top of it, man. I’m at the point where if I was held at gun point, (NOT THAT I WANT TO DIE) I would not even protest.

BUT.  I went to Bible study last night and MAN. The lesson was ON POINT. Okay? We talked about God’s timing and the pastor took words straight out of my mind, “Do you feel heartbroken, lonely, not going anywhere, in a rut? Do you feel like you’re just not where you should be with relationships or careers?” (Um, yes, all of the above actually?) and he talked about and reminded me of just what I need to be CONSTANTLY remembering. God is here. No matter what. There’s no reason He has to be- He doesn’t need us but he NEVER leaves us and is constantly working to make our lives better. When things aren’t going our way that just means He has something planned that is SO MUCH more than we can imagine.

So that was refreshing and a good thing to remember but I’m still just like feeling awful and lonely because I do that in my head and my brain just lies to me a lot about people caring. So there it is, last song of church and I’m just sitting there praying, “God, please just calm my anxiety and comfort me and make me not feel so alone. Next week people will be less busy, I can wait a couple days to see people again.” BOOM. Second I finish praying is when church ends so I pick up my phone and check it, I have two texts, a missed called, a Facebook message and a Snapchat from two friends telling me to get over to Taco Bell so we can hang out.

Man, God’s timing is always good and comforting but THAT. I am constantly amazed by Him and I need to remember how much bigger He is than me and how well He plans my future.

My Heart is Tired

I miss him. A lot. How do you stop loving someone who was with you every step of the way for a year and a half? How do you make yourself forget? How do you stop associating everything you did together with him? How do I start healing? I thought I was doing better but when he texted me yesterday wanting to still be friends I quickly learned that wasn’t the case.

I was working out when I recieved the text, I planned on staying at the gym longer but then I completely lost it as I read his text, I had to leave immediately where I just sat in my car and sobbed. He realized a couple texts in that I wasn’t ready, and apologized for not giving me enough time. He’s a good guy and I do want to be friends with him eventually, but that’s my problem. He’s a great guy, a guy I thought I would marry, the first guy I ever truly loved and the guy that taught me so much. It’s going to take time.. so much time.

I’m broken and I hate it. I’m so lonely and if I’m not at work and people are busy, I don’t even have anything to distract me. No more school, no projects or papers to keep my mind at ease. And everyone is busy or far away. I have friends that try to hang out when possible but 90% of the time I’m alone and I don’t know how to be alone.

Someone help me.

Oh how I find, that every subtle thing screams your name.

I haven’t used this blog in so long, I had nearly forgotten about it..

Last time I wrote I was falling in love for the first time, I was happy though dealing with a lot. I was a girlfriend. A student. A brunette.  Now I’m none of those things.

I think I might get back to writing here because I have so much on my mind that I simply can’t discuss with people (not necessarily because they won’t care but because I don’t know how to get it out.) and I can’t use my Tumblr for all of these.

More details to come later but a quick summary: I’ve recently had a breakup. It hurts. It hurts more than I knew. 3 days shy of a year and 7 months. He told me we would marry someday, apparently not. He said he’d be there, apparently not. – This happened three weeks ago and honestly I feel lost. I’ve never been in this much pain before, nothing like this has ever happened. Which I suppose sounds immature, I’m upset over a boy, I’m 22 I have my whole life ahead of me, relationships come and go. – I do know all of that but it doesn’t make it hurt less. Now I actually know why they call it heartbreak. Because it hurts and feels like you’ll never be okay again. It feels like you can’t go on. You know that something another human has done shouldn’t cause this much pain but it does. Then weeks go by and people seem to expect you to be okay- and some days you feel like you are. Some days are okay, some even good but then a memory, a waft of emotion will float by and you’ll feel broken again.

That’s where I’m at.

The Weekend

Tomorrow after class, I have my first day of my internship which is quite exciting! I’m so close to reaching my dream I can taste it. :)

After that, Sonjay and I are driving to Wichita to help our friend Michael and his mom with a fundraiser on Saturday, because we’re not needed til Saturday, he’s dropping me off at my house Friday evening and he’ll be staying with Becca. Because my house sucks and because he’s the best in the world, Blake is being amazing and coming down with us and staying at my house with me.  This means he’ll be meeting my parents and my sister. My sister will love him because they’re both awesome people but I’m quite nervous as to how my parents (especially my mom) will be.. After all, they’re not exactly the nicest people. Yet even through this, Blake is still willing to come down, just to make sure I’m ok. I didn’t know it was possible that I would ever find someone who cared enough about me to brave my family.. This will help a lot.

Also, I SHOULD be getting my car this weekend when I’m home. I’m rather nervous about that situation because I talked to my parents about it weeks ago and they were supposed to just check into a used one (I sent a list over 15 cars that were all at dealers and under $5,000) that would work. I told them it didn’t matter what kind I just needed on that works. Three weeks later and two days before I’m coming to pick it up, they still haven’t gotten one. Dad claims it’s still possible but I’m getting really nervous.. as I really really need this now. Before now really.

I knew I couldn’t trust my parents with this.. but I had no other choice.. :/

Then Saturday morning we will all (Me, Blake and Sonjay) got to Michael’s house and help with some sort of fundraiser. I love Michael’s family and it’s been a while since seeing them so that part of the weekend will be lovely.

This should be…interesting.

 

Hope

The Meeting

One of you lovely subscribers the other day asked me to write a post about how I met my boyfriend – this is that post. :)

As most good things do, this story starts with Doctor Who. (No, I’m not kidding, I met almost all of my friends from this year because of Doctor Who.)

The first weekend of September, series 7 of Doctor Who premiered, Asylum of the Daleks.  Several of my high school friends had driven up to watch it with me and we were having a great time in the basement of my dorm where the cable TV was. After hanging out there a while before it started, four people we didn’t know came down to watch it as well.  They seemed pretty neat, we exchanged names (Blake, Sonjay, Ben and Hailey, were theirs). They seemed neat but after Doctor Who they went back to their respective rooms (I found out later they were all on the first floor and I was on the third) and I thought nothing of it again.

A month went by and it was a weekend I was prepared to be bored for. Literally everyone I had ever hung out with at my university had picked that weekend to go home, so I sat out in my lobby and prepared to watch TV and Tumblr for a couple of days. While I was out there, about 6 people came up the elevator and were going to play a card game with David, a guy on my floor who I knew somewhat and seemed cool. When they saw me sitting alone, they invited me to play with them, which then led to going to Burger King and hanging out.  While at Burger King I found out they were all huge nerds, most of them into Doctor Who and all my other fandoms and we all had a lot in common. Through talking, I also found out that 4 of them were the 4 I had met that Doctor Who premiere.

After that night at Burger King, all of us hung out nearly every night and each weekend we would all have movie nights at Andrew and James’ apartment and just do nerdy stuff a lot.

I became close with a lot of them during that time, even dating Andrew briefly but that didn’t work out and we broke up just before Christmas break.  During the break, I was lonely at home without people and took to texting several of the group nearly all the time. By the time we got back to school, we had all somehow become inseparable and if we weren’t in class or work or asleep (sometimes even while asleep…) we were in Michael’s single room, hanging out. We weren’t friends anymore, we had far surpassed that and became the closest of families.

If one of us needed anything, the others were there. I felt sick, Michael got me medicine, I was cold, Blake made me tea. We were all inseparable.

As the weeks passed, I started getting closer to Blake, learning his love of Doctor Who, Firefly,  Star Wars, Supernatural, Sherlock and really everything I care about. At the end of January, when I decided to cut off my hair and leave a Padawan braid, Blake and I started going to the gym on campus, in the racquetball courts and lightsaber dueling intensely. After that we joined the fencing team (though after a while we got lazy and gave up there…) and through all that we got closer and closer.

After a while Hailey told me she and Sonjay thought he liked me, but I didn’t believe her, why would he? Then our friend Becca, who was at a school 2 hours away so she wasn’t even with us, wrote on my wall, “Dearest Hope, please marry Blake for me.”, which got liked by all of our group, I was still doubtful, then my coworker Jenni, who didn’t know any of my friends, just based on stories told me, “Hope, within a few weeks you’ll be dating that boy.” I told her no way and forgot about it,

On Valentine’s Day, all of our group went to Applebees for dinner for “Single Awareness Day”, before we left, Blake gave me a Valentine he had made that was the single sweetest thing I’ve ever seen, incorporating my fandoms and just being adorable. I still was just ignoring the signs. Then, about a week later, Blake asked me on a date. I agreed, though still a bit wary, I didn’t believe in love after all, and if it existed, why would it happen to me?

I went anyways, we went to Noodles and Company for dinner and I had a great time. Afterwards, we became nearly inseparable, though I was still unwilling to call us a couple.

He asked me to be his girlfriend a few days later and I told him I liked him a lot but I was scared of relationships and that I was sorry.  Being the amazing person he is, he told me to take as long as I needed and that he would be there waiting whenever I was ready.

I was ready February 23, 2013. I said I wanted to be his girlfriend and here, almost 8 months later, I’m in love.

It’s real and it’s happening to me and I’ve never been so happy.

These 8 months have been the happiest of my entire life.

Love,

Hope