Everyone wants you to respond with, “good” or even “it was fine.”
No one wants to know if it was bad.
No one cares that you sat down and cried in a forest so no one could see you.
No one cares that you miss your boyfriend so much it literally hurts you to think about.
No one wants to know you were so lonely and so sad you didn’t leave your couch for five hours.
No one wants to know that even if there had been someone to hang out with you would’ve made an excuse because there’s only one person you wanted to be with.
No one cares that your roommate is terrible and driving you crazy.
When people ask how your weekend was, no one actually wants to know.
So… I was looking through my old posts and found this. The day I went Facebook official with Blake I posted this. Oh how much has changed in 6 months. I’ve found love and it is real and it’s amazing. :)
I like him. I like having a hand to hold. Someone who cares. I like having someone who can tease me but cares enough to listen to my serious thoughts too. I like having someone I can spend all my time with and not tire of his company.
It scares me though. I don’t want a relationship. I don’t believe in love. I believe that things like this lead to people getting hurt, me getting hurt doesn’t bother me as much but I can’t hurt him. It won’t work, these things never do. It scares me to know that someone cares about me. It scares me to know that someone wants to spend all their time with me and not tire of me. It scares me that someone tells me I’m awesome and lovable. It scares me that someone wants to take me on dates and hold me in their arms.
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My heart is happy, full of hope and love. For the first time ever I know love actually exists and even better I’m experiencing it. I’m happier than I knew I could be.
My heart is also sad, and lonely. Through my happiness and my first time in love which is absolutely perfect, it’s hard being away from him. “You can love someone so much but you can never love people as much as you can miss them.”, John Green says, and I think he’s right. Long distance is hard, and it hurts, but it’s worth it I believe.
My heart is also full and broken, not for me, but for my friends. My friends who is hurting, my friends who is heart broken, my friend who is discouraged, my friend who is suicidal.
My heart is also tired. Tired of not being good enough for my parents, for not feeling worth anything, for being afraid to be forgotten, again.
Overall though, my heart is actually doing well, I’m happy, I’m feeling better about things than I have in forever and I am in love and I am happy.
- Goodnight texts
- Coffee in the morning
- TV shows that make you laugh
- Websites that help me pass the time
- Coworkers that are friends too
- Bracelet making
- Beautiful clouds
- Cocoa puffs
I’ve been afraid of letting myself feel for a long time, feelings scare me and I’ve been trying to just not feel anything. I told people that I don’t believe in love (And I still really don’t) but I told them that if someone could prove me wrong, I would accept it and be glad they could prove me wrong. I’m not sure I ever believed myself though, I just assumed no one would ever try and prove me wrong so I wouldn’t have to deal with it.
But maybe I was wrong.. Maybe people do care and maybe someone out there could deal with my flaws and think I’m beautiful and care about me.
And maybe they can stop me from feeling afraid and give me someone to care about and like and be happy with.
Maybe there’s something out there after all..
I know that Christmas time usually tends to bring out people’s materialistic side and people tend to get greedy and everything but I realized something recently that hit me especially yesterday. I hate stuff. Like, yeah, some stuff is cool and I do really enjoy having books and my fandom related objects but honestly, I have way too much stuff.
Being home and being in my childhood room (Well, kinda, I mean, I moved here at the beginning of High School but when we moved I didn’t go through much stuff, we pretty much just packed everything in a hurry and came to Kansas, so I still have a ton of childhood stuff in my room!) has made me realize how much crap is in here and I’ve started going through it and throwing away stuff and packing up stuff to give away (Another thing I’ve realized, as a child I kept EVERY PAPER from ANYTHING. Oh my…). I don’t need any of this. I mean, everything I need is in my dorm room anyways, the stuff that remains here is just stuff I haven’t spent time going through yet and need to get rid of.
Another thing is, I’ve grown up in my house with tons of random crap EVERYWHERE. I mean for real, our house is never clean in any form because my parents have papers and things they found on sale so they bought in every room in the house (Including all over my room now that I’m not here most of the time. When I got back for break, I couldn’t see my floor. Or my bed because of TONS OF PAPERS) and that’s made me also not care about having stuff, it’s a nuisance and it’s not like any of these things are ever used, they’re all for “just in case”, most of them not even useful.
I want to get rid of everything I don’t need. For real. Other than clothes and things I actually need (Ok fine, also not my fandom stuff or my books) but everything else, I want it gone. I have too much stuff, other people need these things and I don’t. I don’t want or need gifts, time and people are what’s important to me. When people choose to spend their time with me, that means way more than a gift does, anyone can give a gift, people who care give their time.
I want to be a minimalist. Have the least amount possible. The things I want to keep are what matter to me. And people. I want to keep them.
People are beautiful. Sometimes when I’m hanging out with my friends and they’re doing something else and distracted, I’ll just stop and look at them and watch them doing something that makes them them and I just almost can’t believe they exist. I just think about how incredible it is that this person who I love and care about with all their quirks and interests and personality exists and not only is it incredible that they exist, but that they care about me and want to spend their time with me too. When you stop and think about it sometimes, I feel like it’s easy to just get overwhelmed with how crazy awesome and beautiful people are. Each one of us is complicated and unique and have our own personalities and interests and mannerisms and at this point I feel like I’m just rambling and no one even knows what I’m talking about but people are cool guys, God made us all so different yet so the same sometimes too and when we find people who we can relate to and hang out with, it’s just awesome and beautiful and makes me overwhelmed with warm fuzzy feelings.
Based on this post from Tumblr:
Have you ever just looked at someone and thought, “I really love you” they’re just talking or humming or watching a movie or reading a book or laughing or something, and there’s something about them in that moment, their body is alive, there’s a light in their eyes, something—that makes you think, “I just really love you”. It’s a weird sensation to think this, but it’s pretty awesome that we can feel this way about another being.
“I’ve always found that the most beautiful people, truly beautiful inside and out, are the ones who are quietly unaware of their effect.” — Jennifer L. Armentrout
“You know when sometimes, you meet someone so beautiful – and then you actually talk to them, and five minutes later they’re as dull as a brick; but then there’s other people. And you meet them and you think, ‘Not bad, they’re okay,’ and then when you get to know them… Their face just sort of becomes them, like their personality’s written all over it, and they just – they turn into something so beautiful. Rory’s the most beautiful man I’ve ever met.” ~ Amy Pond