This past year has been full of ups and downs. Losses of old friends, gaining wonderful new ones who have changed my life. This year I lived on my own for the first time, felt pure loneliness and sorrow, learned to stand up for myself, learned to lean on God fully for comfort, learned to be more vulnerable, learned that sometimes pain is worth it. I got into even more fandoms – Sherlock, Supernatural and all things Marvel and got my cartilage of my ear pierced with my best friend. I started my junior year of college and though it was one of my easier semester academically, it was my hardest personally. I dealt with people not caring, with being joyful through pain, with not taking on everyone else’s pain so much that it hurt me.
I’ve realized to let go of those who won’t to leave your life, yeah it hurts, but if they don’t care, you can’t make them stay and it’s not healthy to keep caring about them so much. I’ve learned who my real friends are, and that they’ll stick around no matter what. Through pain, joy, struggles and triumphs, they’re the people who care. I’ve learned that those people are few and far between but it’s better to have a few people who genuinely care and love you than a lot who pretend to.
I went on my first date, had my first kiss, had my first real break up (Which I haven’t gone into and don’t plan to, but all you need to know is everything will be ok there, we’re still going to be friends and he’s legitimately a wonderful person. He just apparently wasn’t the one for me.), went on spontaneous adventures with the people who mean the most to me, got an average of 4 hours of sleep a night for good three weeks, started watching anime, jumped off a high diving board for the first time, got my belly-button pierced on a whim, saved a life, FINALLY saw the Hobbit after 12 years of waiting (AND IT WAS PERFECT. Dang… I still need to write about that.)
Lots of stuff has happened obviously, many bad things but also many good things and I think too many times this year I’ve overlooked those good things. This next year I’ve set aside a jar, and every so often I’m going to place a piece of paper with every good thing that happens and then next year on New Year’s Eve I’ll take them all out and re-read them. I’ve been hopeless and sad for too long. I’m gonna get over this. I will survive.
I know I’m extremely angsty whenever I’m home and as always I do apologize for that but I’m afraid this time it’s worse and I just need to get it all down so I’m not even sure if this post will make any sense and it’s definitely not that important I just have a lot on my mind right now.
Everything feels wrong. From being home, and mom telling me she wishes I wasn’t here, to all the recent shootings, to a friend trying to kill herself, to nearly everyone I know struggling with depression of some kind, to all the sad stuff that happens on the news every day, to my sister being as depressed and sad as I am, to my boyfriend breaking up with me, to me hating myself completely and hating that I let down my guard to care about someone when I knew in my heart it wouldn’t work for one reason or another.
I feel extremely worthless and like nothing I can ever do is right and I feel like the world is crashing down around me, and there’s so much pain and suffering and I’m not contributing to help it at all and there’s nothing I feel I can do and I just want it all to stop but I can’t even stop myself from feeling broken and hopeless. I know, I know it’s not true. I know I’m not worthless, and I know all of the right things to say, that God has a plan, and that He has a purpose and I’m here for a reason and that I do do things right and I know all of that in my head but my heart doesn’t know it and I’m just drowning. I feel stuck and sad and I don’t know how to get out.
I feel like mom is right, that no guy will ever love me.
I feel like it’s my fault that I can’t fix those hurting around me. When people I know are hurting I take on their pain and feel it until I can help them not feel it. Which is not healthy probably, for one thing and for another is bad because 99% of the time there is absolutely nothing I or anyone else can do to fix them except be there (Which I ALWAYS am) but I feel terrible until I can.
I feel like I’m alone and will be and that I’m drowning in a sea of sadness.
I hate myself and don’t see anything good about myself at all. Much less what anyone would see in me that’s worth loving.
I know, I know these are lies and that I shouldn’t feel this way but I can’t seem to stop.
And at this point even though I don’t have a resolution for these feelings or really feel any better, and even though none of them may ever read this, I have to thank my friends, particularly tonight Megan, Anna, and David.
David has been there for me several times this week in my pain and such and has been an incredible encouragement and really affirmed that I do mean something and that my friends love me and that there is a guy out there somewhere for me, I just have to be patient.
Anna saw a post I had on Tumblr and we started texting and realizing we were feeling the exact same feelings right now and even though neither of us had answers for the other one, talking about our pains somehow made us both feel not quite so alone.
“Reading about the depression of someone you love doesn’t make it easier. Well, it does and doesn’t. It’s something you never want them to go through… but you’re a little glad you’re not alone. Which makes you feel terrible about being happy. What the hell is this.” ~ Anna
Megan was completely and amazingly used by God tonight. She had absolutely no idea any of the things going on in my head at all but at the peak of my apparent mental break down or what it’s been tonight she messaged me on Facebook asking if I was ok and what was going on. I then sorta exploded on her everything that was wrong but being the friend she is she took it all and had me call so she could just pray for me.
So yeah, I’m still drowning and extremely sad and depressed but I know God will provide and show me His plan. And through typing this I’ve actually started to feel a little bit better and more comforted but this world is so sad. I don’t even know.
I do know that God is good and will prevail. And I know that sometimes the family we chose for ourselves, that have also chosen to keep us in their lives, that’s the family that matters. My real family, the family that will prevail. Not my blood relatives, but something deeper and stronger than blood.
Maybe this is the end of the world. Everyone that’s kept the world going stops seeing the good and gives up.
~ Anna (Itscharls) on Tumblr
I just don’t even know what happened, when did I start looking at myself and not seeing someone that God created but someone that is worthless and has nothing good about them? What is happening to the world. What did the happiness go in everyone?
I know this sounds silly, but the reason 11 is and always will be my favorite Doctor is this, he feels worthless like I do. He jokes and laughs and acts ridiculous nearly all the time to mask his pain and insecurity, which if you know me in real life is what I do quite often. People who don’t really know me, would really never know anything was wrong, I hide it well. And it is true laughter and I do have fun and stuff but I laugh harder and throw myself into other things that make me happy to cover up the pain and the hurt of the past, of people leaving and of feeling worthless which I think is what he does too.
He laughs and is ridiculous most of the time, but then there are times like these, times when he’s so sad, and so upset and feels like nothing he’s ever done is good enough because he’s failed, he’s hurt people, people have hurt him, he’s been left, he’s broken but still he cares about everyone. It doesn’t matter to him how hurt he is because other people are more important, he wants to save everyone, no matter what the personal cost to himself because he doesn’t matter, he’s worthless but everyone else isn’t, they all matter.
“In 900 years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important.”
He cares about everyone else and so do I. We don’t care about ourselves because we don’t matter, but everyone else does. That’s how I feel and that’s how I think he feels, 11 has moved on from the other regenerations, he’s tired and feels useless, helpless and worthless but he’s going to keep fighting for others, for his friends.
“My friends have always been the best of me.”
As I sit writing this it’s almost midnight, I’ll probably end up scheduling it to post later in the morning so I can go back through and edit it more since most times when I write things at night I make some ridiculous typo but I just had to write.
I’m back at home as of last night (the 9th) at about 10pm. After being gone an entire summer and since I’m only home for one week I was really hoping this week would be an improvement from my times at home recently. I had actually had some really good conversations with my mom on the phone while I was alone this summer and I was hoping that me being gone would have actually caused her to care and maybe make it so she would be excited to see me. Yesterday started off well really, I got off work and my dad actually came to pick me up shortly after that. Since at the beginning of summer they had told me to my face that it was a waste of gas for them to come get me or bring me to college and that I wasn’t worth it, I thought this was a significant improvement and my mom texted me enthusiastically saying she was excited I was coming home. I started to be optimistic, started to hope that something had changed inside her, that maybe I wouldn’t be a disappointment to her anymore. Those thoughts changed when she called as Dad and I were on the almost 3 hour drive back home. She asked why it had taken us so long to leave and when I explained that we had stopped to eat dinner she had gotten mad at me that I hadn’t bought the dinner for me and dad. Wait. Hold on, I, the college student completely paying for college on my own who had just gotten done living on her own for the first time who almost completely survived on Ramen this summer because it was cheap was supposed to buy dinner for both me and my dad? When dad offered to take me out since I had just been living on Ramen? That was when my optimism started to disappear. A few hours later after I got home it was completely gone, I was accused of having an attitude and told that she doesn’t understand how I could be so rude to her (All I did was tell her I was tired and wanted to go to bed). Today she accused me of being judgmental, told me I had a terrible work ethic and I hadn’t actually had a hard time this summer because when she was in college she got 3 hours of sleep each night, worked 40 hours a week at one job, 20 at another and took 23 credit hours and never got to hang out with friends. She also tried to guilt me by asking if I was interested in anyone and when I avoided the question she acted hurt. What I don’t understand is why she think I would tell her I was interested in someone when she has told me to my face that no one will ever love me because I have a dyed hair and a nose ring. I just can’t, I don’t like most people to know when I’m interested in someone anyways, much less people who have told me I will never find love.
I was stupid to be optimistic, stupid to think things had changed. Yesterday I had actually been excited to come home, it has been great seeing my sister and I’m excited for the chance to hang out with friend but this week is not shaping up to be a good one. I know God is in control and it is just a week, I can make it, I made it through my depression of being alone this summer with the help of God, now I’ll have to make it through all the pain time with my family brings.
It’s gonna be a long week.
Why do you insist on causing me pain? I know that you’ve liked to hurt me daily in the past during the summers but I thought we were going to get along during the school year. I don’t think you understand, I have things to do, classes to go to, papers to write, tests to study for, I can’t afford to have you hurting me. Plus, I’m gonna be real honest here. No one likes headaches. They’re annoying, they hurt and they cause you to not be able to do fun things. Just stop it, having a headache for almost two weeks straight is just ridiculous. I demmand that you start behaving yourself! I’ve missed two classes in the past 2 weeks because of you, that has got to stop! I can’t keep doing this.
So please, I beg of you, behave. I really liked it when we had a good relationship. I want to like you head, I really do. You’re quite important to me but it’s not nice of you to keep causing me pain.
Let’s work something out here, please.
For the past two or three summers, almost every day I’ve gotten a headache and the doctors can’t figure out why. Unfortunately, it’s happening again this summer so many days already I’ve been just stuck laying in my bed. My headaches don’t have any rhyme or reason to them, they’re different every time but I can’t sit up with them because it hurts so bad. It’s the worst. I wish they could figure out what’s going on! :(
And this has been another pointless post…
Again with the parents. Again, skip if you don’t want to hear (or I guess read about it…) but I have to get it out. Tonight it was about my appearance and personality. I hate chick flicks, I always have, I just think they’re too angsty and sappy. They’ve known this for years, I’ve never liked them with the exception of the occasional few romantic comedies (Emphasis on the comedy). They’ve known this but tonight they decided to tell me that I really need to start liking them and be softer because no guy is going to like a girl that’s “Hard and tough”. Um…. I’m not hard or tough… Just because I don’t like chick flicks doesn’t mean anything. And last I checked, guys don’t like girls who are over girly and pansies. Correct me if I’m wrong here please but oh my goodness… Then they started in on my appearance. Apparently, no guy, at least no nice guy would even look twice at a girl who has dyed hair and a nose ring. I “used to look so pretty” before I did this to myself. Hmm. Funny how I thought they had always told me to be myself and not change for anyone. If a guy doesn’t like who I am then why would I want to be with them anyways?
And they act like I’m not trying here, I am! I want to have a guy who cares about me and loves me like that, it just hasn’t happened yet. It’s not because of anything I’m doing, it’s because God’s plan obviously doesn’t include that yet.
Mom keeps complaining how I didn’t meet very many guys at college and by the time she was finished with her freshman year she had met “hundreds” of guys. Ok, well college has OBVIOUSLY changed because I did everything I could! I went to Bible study every Tuesday and Thursday night (besides the nights I had to work), I went to church on Sundays, I went to all the events the three dorms in my complex put on. I have lots of guy acquaintances at college, just not too many guy friends. It’s not my fault but mom’s just sure it is.
At least I only have a month and a half left of summer now. It’s so depressing to be at home. :(