As most of you readers know, I’ve struggled for a long time with people leaving, people lie and people leaves constantly. Maybe on one hand can I count the people who’ve actually stayed in my life and proved they care despite the promises all the others have made to stay in my life and be my friends forever. Out of all the people I’ve known in my 20 years of life, that’s not a lot, and it scares me. It terrifies me actually. I want to stop caring, I want to just put all my feelings for anyone away for ever and just not care. Because if I don’t care I can’t get hurt right? I told myself about a month ago that love didn’t exist, that not even real friendships could fully exist without people eventually leaving, I told myself that and promised myself to stop caring, I admit it, I didn’t want to make new friends this year on my new floor because I know they’ll leave, I know they’ll leave along with all the other people I care about already. I have ended up making new friends regardless of that though I admit until recently I hadn’t actually gotten to know them super well because I’m afraid of getting hurt. Again.
This past week though I’ve started getting close with new people, and I’ve started caring again and I’m so scared. I’m petrified that more people I care about will leave.
Luckily, I do still have some friends that care and one in particular who is wise beyond her years and I have quoted on here before because of her wisdom (And will no doubt quote again), was kind enough to give me some wise advice, “Hope I could count on one hand. Like, one finger maybe, maybe, who hasn’t left me one way or another. People do, but that doesn’t make you an island, or the cause. It’s (I think) partially just the stage of life we’re in. Attachment is hard when moving around, settling down, finding yourself, etc. Plus your age group is where all the tough stuff we went through at 15 comes into play for dudes anyway, or when it’s getting resolved anyway, so the majority of them are all whacked out. But there’s the few. The proud. The Whovians and the Trekkies, the loyal ones and the ones that don’t make fun of Star Wars debates. Not necessarily saying all good people are nerds, but I think in our case it applies.
I don’t even know what I ended up saying there. People are good. People are worth weeding through to find the best ones.”
When she said that, I realized she was right, Maybe it’s not my fault, it’s just our world is screwed up and it hurts. But I do try to remember how the Doctor would think of it, he knows the worlds hurt more than anyone… but he still continues caring. Even though literally everyone breaks his heart…
So, because of that, I’m trying to remember that, to care even though it might hurt, and maybe someday I’ll meet someone who won’t leave.
The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant. ~ The Doctor
A year ago today, was the day I woke up early because I couldn’t wait for the evening’s activities. It was the day my group of friends and I got to the IMAX movie theater at 4 in the afternoon fully knowing we couldn’t go inside til 11pm. The 115 degree heat didn’t bother us, the emotions did. This was it, the last time we would all gather together and go see the adventures of Harry, Ron and Hermione. It was the day we would always remember, the movies and the saga that had forever changed our lives for the better. A year ago today we made pumpkin cookies, butterbeer and were on the news several times because of our insanity at being out in that extreme heat for some long. A year ago today was the day that we all dressed up as the characters who meant the most to us, to the characters that taught us to be brave, to be strong and to never forget what’s important and to fight for that, no matter the cost. A year ago today marked the end of the new Harry Potter movies, it was the last one and that left us very emotional and sad but we were gonna be ok, because the magic will never end. Not truly, as JK Rowling stated at the premiere in England last year, “Hogwarts will always be there to welcome you home.”
There used to be a time, mostly in high school where I wouldn’t even go get the mail down the street without wearing makeup and having perfectly straightened hair. I wouldn’t allow even my family when possible to see me otherwise, I wouldn’t even participate usually in my all church camp “No Make-Up Day” each year. I was to self-conscious, too worried that my natural look would be unacceptable or weird-looking or I’m not even entirely sure what. Anyways, the summer after senior year that changed thanks to my friend Dalton and some long talks I had with God making me realize God created me how He wants me and though there’s nothing wrong with makeup, there is something wrong with the mentality our culture has today that we all have to look perfect all the time.
It’s sad really, and I know I’ve written more than once about this topic but our culture makes me sad. What happened to embracing natural beauty? I know I lived for years thinking my natural hair texture was too weird to be seen but last summer when my hair was shoulder length I one day decided to go with it natural and everyone including myself loved it. Not to mention how much time it saved not straightening it every day (and how thankful my hair probably was to not have so much heat on it every day…). I love seeing people look natural, I think they’re beautiful to look at and I think it’s truly awesome when people are comfortable in their own skin like that.
This isn’t all to say that there’s something wrong with trying and looking your best because there’s not, at all. I mean, I wear dresses literally every single day when it’s nice outside and I make it a point to live by the quote “Dress to impress”, I always try to look my best clothing wise, so I look professional, clean and well, let’s face it, I like to look cute as often as possible. I think it’s important to make a good impression on people and not be sloppily dressed but I don’t think it should take people forever getting ready each morning. I’m usually in and out of the shower and ready to go within 20 minutes (Don’t worry, I know that’s fast, I’m not saying people shouldn’t spend more time than that either). I think if more people were happy with how they looked naturally, without layers of makeup and doing who knows what to their hair each morning, people would probably be a lot happier.
I don’t really know why I was thinking of all this today, something popped up I supposed but I decided to do myself up with makeup on half of my face and leave the other natural. Overall, not to sound vain or anything, while I can definitely see a difference I don’t really think one necessarily looks better than the other. I say, embrace who you are and other people will too. Rock what God gave you, ladies. He made every single person beautiful, no matter how different we all are.
“If you’re comfortable with yourself, then it’s sexy. Maybe people think I look sexy because I feel sexy. I am a very liberated person that way. I’m very comfortable with my sexuality, my body, my face – well, sometimes I’m not comfortable with my face, but it’s stuck there and there’s nothing I can do about it.” ~ Scarlett Johansson
This summer I’m finally getting back into a habit that I sorely miss during the school year, reading. I’ve often talked here about how reading gives me magical, miraculous feelings that no other activity has ever given me. There are a lot of other activities that I enjoy, writing, watching movies/tv, hanging out with friends, listening to music and other things but despite the joy I get out of all of those, nothing feels like true magic like reading does. Yeah, you can enter fictional worlds through TV and movies but with reading, you actually feel like you’re in the worlds, as one of the characters even, experiencing every emotion and adventure that they feel. With books you meet new characters, you become a new person with each new story you read and you can learn an endless about from it. In the past week, I’ve had the pleasure of reading 4 novels and I’m well on my way to being done with another, with 15 more on reserve at the library. I’m quite excited to get back into the world of reading this summer because due to classes, work and time with friends during school, I hardly ever get the chance and I miss it.
“You know what’s sad about reading books? It’s that you fall in love with the characters. They grow on you. And as you read, you start to feel what they feel – all of them – you become them. And when you’re done, you’re never the same. Sure you’re still you, you look the same, talk in the same manner, but something in you has changed. Something in the way you think, the way you choose, sometimes, even the things you say may differ. But it all comes down to the state you go to after a nice novel. The after-feeling. It’s amazing, but somehow, you feel left alone by that world you were once in. It’s overwhelming. But it makes you sad. Cause for once you were this, this otherworldly being in… Neverwhere, and then you suddenly have to say goodbye after a few weeks from when you read the last page. When you’ve recovered from that state it’s just… quite sad.” ~ Suzanne Collins (Author of the Hunger Games)
I found the above quote from Suzanne Collins last night and was amazed and overwhelmed with emotion, this quote has finally put into words all the feelings I’ve had about reading and about fictional characters that I have had for years. Since the first book I fell in love with. Each and every character I’ve loved, every book world I’ve entered has changed me a little bit, I’ve learned more, I’ve felt more, I’ve loved more from each book I’ve read. And though it can be heartbreaking to finish a story like that, to leave those beloved characters, it’s brilliant, it truly is magical. And the best part? You can re-enter those worlds any time you choose.
Recently I’ve started (and will soon be finishing) the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan. For any of you who have not read it, I encourage you to go find it immediately and pick it up. It is a challenging, life changing book discussing how our lives as Christians should be, and discussing how often in our current society especially, most of us are just lukewarm Christians, living complacently in our faith but not being “radical”, not living like Christ called us to.
If you think about it, it’s so, so true, many of us “Christians” talk the talk all the time. We claim our faith, we’re open to telling people what we believe but only if they ask. We don’t want to inconvenience anybody, we don’t want to offend them. We’re happy in the lives we’ve been given and we certainly don’t want to be uncomfortable. Well you know what? That line of thinking is wrong. And no, I’m not pointing fingers I promise because I fall prey to that probably more than anyone I know. I screw up so much it’s ridiculous. I’m a hypocrite. I came to my new apartment this summer, knowing I would be lonely, even telling people that but telling people it’d be ok, I’d be fine because it’d be good, great even, I’d spend that time instead of being lonely drawing closer and closer to God, drawing in, living life how I’m meant to, all that jazz. But you know what? I haven’t done that. I’ve been here over a week and I’ve hardly opened my Bible. Yes, I went to church Sunday, yes, I went to a Bible study Tuesday but I haven’t actually put effort into it. Sure, I’ve prayed, but they’ve been selfish prayers, prayers like, “God, be with me, stop me from feeling lonely.” or half-hearted thank you’s that I’ve been safe and provided for here. I haven’t actually been open, and honest and dug in the Word like I should. I’ve been complacent. I haven’t shared my faith with anyone since I’ve gotten here. I’ve been wasting my time on the internet, day after day, watching YouTube videos, spending countless hours just browsing Tumblr and Facebook, not even having anything to do on them. Being bored. There’s nothing inherently wrong with spending time on the internet but there is a problem when I’m wasting the precious time that God has given me.
God has given me this life and He wants me to use this time, for Him, as the servant that I so often claim to be for Him. Jesus said, “Take up your cross and follow me”, I haven’t done that. I’ve hardly done anything inconvenient. Sure, it’s been bothersome a bit biking everywhere in the heat, but that wasn’t truly uncomfortable. People everyday all over the world are actually persecuted for their faith yet still stand up for it but I’m here living a blessed life, with everything I need, doing nothing. Sure, I’ve been lonely, I’ve been missing my friends a lot, but why? When I have God. The only one I really need. I claim all the time that He’s my best friend, and yeah, He should be, after all He’s done for me. But I wouldn’t treat any of my friends here on earth like I’ve treated Him. Putting Him at the back of my mind, not spending time with Him, not doing what He asked of me, when He sent the person He loved most in this UNIVERSE to DIE, a brutal, tortured, HORRID death, for ME. Because of my sin.
What am I doing with my life? Not the right things. That’s for sure.
So, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, but this time I mean it, and this time I’m going to make sure He’s at the forefront of my mind at all times and I’m going to live my life for Him. I’m going to treat Him like a real best friend treats their friend. I’m going to love Him, and respect Him, and honor Him and be the servant He asked me to be, the servant I need to be, and the servant He deserves to have.
From now on, I’m going to live like a Christian. I’m going to shout my faith from the mountains, I want everyone around me at all times to know of my Jesus, my best friend, my Savior. I want them to look at me and say, what does she have that I don’t have? Where does this love come from? And I’ll tell them, I’ll tell them exactly where it came from. Because it won’t be me, oh no, I don’t have strength or love like that. It’s all God.
“If you read history you will find that the Christians who did the most for the present world were precisely those who thought most of the next. It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this.” ~ C.S. Lewis
Obviously the above statement is pretty much the biggest understatement there is but really, God is so cool. Last night Jared and I started talking like we often do and we talked a bit about our struggles and fears and then about how awesome God is and then we started listening to amazing worship music and we literally just layed there, on the floor at the end of the hallway praising God until 3 in the morning. It was absolutely incredible, there is nothing better in this world than praising God fully, with your whole body and mind, completely consumed by His glory and beauty. Then this morning, instead of going to church like I do every week, I decided it would be a better use of my time to wake up at almost the same time and go outside by myself and listen to more worship music, read my Bible and just pray. Being outside and reading my Bible is literally my favorite thing ever, I never feel as close to God as when I’m worshiping Him outside. It’s brilliant and I love it.
Needless to say, I’m just completely in love with God right now and I never want to lose this feeling, I’ve been doing a lot better recently of just keeping Him foremost in my mind and focusing on loving Him.
Our God is amazing.
My God’s not dead, He’s surely alive. He’s living on the inside, roaring like a lion. ~ God’s Not Dead (Like a Lion) ~ Newsboys
You have called us loved
And you have called us wanted
One time we were bruised
We were bankrupt and haunted
~ Seen a Darkness – John Mark McMillan
“Unless I believe in God, I can’t believe in thought; so I can never use thought to disbelieve in God.” ~ C.S. Lewis
As a lot of you know, I am deeply fond of the TV show the Office and while I’ve loved every single season, the current season might be my absolute favorite, yes, it’s the only season without Michael Scott played by Steve Carell but I actually and surprisingly think the writing is the best out of all of them and it makes me quite happy. As happy as I am with the current season however, Michael Scott will forever be one of my favorite fictional characters. Here are some of my favorite quotes by him.
– “I love babies. I think they are beautiful in all sorts of different ways. I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it nourishes me. It feeds my soul. Babies are drawn to me. And I think it’s because they see me as one of them. But … cooler and with my life put together a little bit more. If a baby were president, there would be no taxes. There would be no war.”
– “Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It is like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, ‘Hey man, I love you this many dollars-worth.’”
– “Nobody likes beets, Dwight. You should grow something everybody does like. You should grow candy.”
– “I’m friends with everybody in this office. We’re all best friends. I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late and start having dentist appointments that aren’t dentist appointments, and that is when it’s nice to let them know that you could beat them up.”
– “Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information.”
– “Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”
– “You don’t call retarded people retards. It’s bad taste. You call your friends retards … when they’re acting retarded.”
– “If I had a gun, with two bullets, and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.”
– “Alright let me ask you this, tell me if you think this is creative. When I was five, I imagined that there was such a thing as a unicorn. And this was before I had even heard of one, or seen one. I just drew a picture, of a horse, that could fly over rainbows, and a had a huge spike in its head. I was five! Five-years-old. Couldn’t even talk yet.”
– “When I said that I was king of forwards, you’ve got to understand that I don’t come up with this stuff. I just forward it along. You wouldn’t arrest a guy who was just passing drugs from one guy to another.”
– “Yes, money has been a little tight lately. But, at the end of my life, when I’m sitting on my yacht, am I gonna be thinking about how much money I have? No. I’m going to be thinking about how many friends I have, and my children, and my comedy albums. I mean, I have a yacht, so I obviously did pretty well money-wise.”
– “Hey, you wanna hear a lie? I think you’re great. You’re my best friend.”
– Michael Scott: Ladies and gentleman, I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car.
Michael Scott:It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital. And the doctors tried to save her, life, they did the best they could. And she is going to be ok.
Stanley: What is wrong with you? Why would you have to phrase is like that?
– “Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I donno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me– no, don’t sue me. That is opposite the point I’m trying to make.”
– “Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it’s not like this, compulsive, need, to be liked. Like my need to be praised.”
– “Oh I am taking responsibility. And it is up to me, to get rid of the curse, that hit Meredith, with my care. I am not superstitious, but I’m a little ‘stitious.”
– “Bros before hos. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They’ve got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho. And you told her she was the only ho for you. And that she was better than all the other hos in the world. And then, suddenly she is not your ho no mo.”
– “Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be.”
– “Oscar, you’re gay! Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck! And you’re gayer than Oscar. Boom roasted!”
– “No no no no you will not die! Stanley! Stanley you will not die! Stanley! Stanley! Barack is president! You are black Stanley!”
– “So it wasn’t Dwight after all. Looks like I’m the killer. You never expect that you’re the killer. It’s a great twist. Great twist.”
– “Nobody should have to go to work thinking, oh this is the place that I might die today. That’s what a hospital is for. An office, is for not dying. An office is a place to… live life to the fullest. To the max. To… an office is a place where dreams come true.”
– “Remember when people used to say “boss” when they were describing something really cool. Like, “those shoulder pads are really boss man.” “Look at that perm, that perm is so boss!” It’s what made me want to become a boss. And I looked so good in a perm and shoulder pads. But now, boss is just slang, for jerk in charge.”
– “They say that laughter is the best medicine, so, Stanley, you can throw away those pills you are cured. Actually, you should better hold on to those. Just in case.”