Things I dislike:
- The cold
- Large social settings
- Calling people
Things I love:
- Watching TV
- Being with the people I care about
- Rain and thunder
Things I am:
- Jesus Freak
- Lover of People
Things I need to remember:
- God loves me
- My friends love me
- I am worth love
- I am not terrible
- I have talents
- I can do things
I’m so done with school. We’re 4 days in and I’m already super stressed and just want to be done and have a billion things to read. NONE OF THIS EVEN MATTERS TO ME AT ALL.
I’m paying thousands of dollars out of pocket and a hundred dollars for books and supplies and I’m not even learning anything useful and I just feel like I’m wasting money and time.
And I’m going home this weekend and I feel literally sick to my stomach about it I hate going home and I don’t know why I agreed to do this. And now I guess my grandma is in the hospital so it’ll be even worse because I’ll just be at the hospital the whole time.
And apparently no one in my family even cares because I’ve been a senior for 4 days now and it hasn’t even been mentioned and I know they don’t actually care about me but they could at least try if they’re going to pull the sob story about how much I don’t care about them and act like they love me so much.
I’m just tired.. Tired of doing stuff. College is exhausting.
And so is missing people… I miss Blake so much it hurts. Skype doesn’t help, texting doesn’t help, I want to be back in his arms. I want to stop feeling this pain and just be with him and be happy again.
Sorry for the recent more sappy posts I have just needed to write what’s on my mind and only had here to do so.
As you have, I assume, noticed I have fallen in love since I last gave you any real update, its amazing.
In other news, and the reason I haven’t posted much this summer is I have actually been having a good, fun summer hanging out with friends. Its been lovely.
Also, I’ll be starting my senior year in a week which is odd, honestly, I’ll be a college graduate in May.
So yeah, that’s not a very good update for now but that’s basically what’s happening.
Talk to you all later.
I’ve always enjoyed writing but I rarely have ideas. I’m not creative enough to create worlds or beautiful stories that change the lives of people reading. That won’t ever be me, but I still enjoy it.
I enjoy writing out my thoughts, venting, just getting it all out, somehow it helps clear my head. I don’t have beautiful ways of saying things, or interesting stories to tell or poetry to write, but I will continue to do it anyways.
Right now, there’s not a lot on my mind, not a lot people want to read about anyways.
I’m thinking about my family. How much it hurts, how much I don’t want to go back and how much I wish I could get my sister out of there and just never have contact with our parents again. I’m thinking how much I wish things were different, how they were loving and caring and weren’t spiteful and heartless.
I’m thinking (months ahead of time, but it’s bothering me regardless) how much I wish decisions were easy. I wish I could just not go home for holidays and it be ok and not end up hurting my sister in the process.
I’m thinking about how glad I am school is starting soon and friends will start returning.
I’m thinking about the friends who won’t return, who’ve graduated or transferred and who I don’t know if I’ll ever see again.
I’m thinking of my boyfriend, who I love so much. How glad I am he’s been able to visit for a week before going home and we’ll be apart for a year, with only short visits in between.
I’m thinking of how attached I’ve become again to him always being at my side, always available to hug and kiss and to make me smile.
I’m thinking of the sleepy way he looks when he’s stayed up all night but drives me to work anyways, how adorable it is.
I’m thinking of how he looks at me when I’ve been sleeping and he accidentally wakes me up and he looks at me more lovingly than I knew anyone could and whispers how much he loves me and how beautiful I am.
I’m thinking of how in love I am and how much things have changed in the past few months, I went from never thinking anyone would care about me to being happily in love with the most perfect of boyfriends.
I’m thinking how glad I am that though my blood family sucks, I have been blessed with the most amazing family of friends who cares about me and loves me and legitimately wants to spend time with me.
February 27: Gosh dang you Supernatural! Making us wait a month til the next new episode. But in better news, Psych season premiere now!
February 28: What’s Han Solo’s favorite kind of video game? First person shooter.
March 1: Walking across campus while listening to the Hobbit soundtrack makes me feel super epic.
March 4: March 4th: The only day of the year that’s also a command.
March 6: Dear USA Network, You’re officially the BBC of America. You and Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss (And probably Joss Whedon as well) have all gotten together to ensure my emotional instability forever haven’t you? You can’t keep doing this to me! You make perfect shows and then leave terrible Sherlock-esque cliffhangers and make me wait forever. I don’t appreciate the heartbreak. Love, Hope
March 7: “Supernatural” taught me that family doesn’t end with blood. “Sherlock” taught me that everyone deserves to be happy. “Doctor Who” taught me that everyone is important.
That, that is the reason these shows mean so much to me. They’ve taught me more about life than most real life things have.
March 9: Who is Gatsby’s least favorite superhero? Deadpool! Who is his favorite? Green Lantern!
March 11: Dear weather, Are you aware that next week is SPRING break? I’m just asking because you seem a little confused yesterday & today. Love, Hope
March 12: Time flies when you’re throwing watches.
March 12: In honor of Sherlock series 3 filming soon:
WHEN THE SCREAMING OF YOUR HEART
ECHOES THE SCREAMING OF YOUR BLOG
THERE IS A SERIES ABOUT TO START WHEN MARCH 18 COMES!
March 18: Guys. The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy. It’s ITALICIZED.
March 22: I was trying to think the plural of moose, it’s not mice because a mouse is a mice. – Noelle
March 23: Mead’s and watching the Hobbit with Daniel and Rebekah makes for a fantastic night! :) I’ve missed you two a ton!
March 24: Dear self, It’s 3am. You have to get up at 8:30. You have watched 18 episodes of Fullmetal Alchemist tonight, it’s time to stop and go to bed. Start feeling tired, get off your computer and sleep. Plus, tomorrow it’s finally time to get back to Manhattan and see everyone. It’ll be a good time! Now sleep. Love, Hope
March 25: Nothing like waking up extremely sick the first day you’re back at school. :(
March 26: I swear people get 500 times cuter when they talk about what they’re passionate about. Unless it’s Hitler. Then it’s only nein times cuter.
March 27: I was just confirmed the nerdiest in the group by David. This is my proudest moment, my life is now complete. I am the nerdiest of all.
March 29: And with that I finished both Archer and Legend of Korra today. Both are wonderful. And both with and thanks to Blake :) ‘Twas a great day.
March 30: The fact that Doctor Who is finally back on TV and the fact that I got to watch it with most of my closest friends was basically the best thing ever. :D I’m so happy! :D
April 1: And now I am finished with the original Fullmetal Alchemist!
April 2: Waking up from a nap to go to Sociology of Women is actually the worst way to wake up ever.
April 4: How did the man from Endor stub his toe? Ewoked into a tree!!
April 4: North Korea, eat a Snickers. You get a little nuclear terroristic when you’re hungry.
April 5: “It’s not that I don’t like anime, it’s that I don’t enjoy watching it.” ~ Michael
April 6: Taylor and I just got told we are honorary men. I’ve literally never received such a wonderful compliment.
April 7: Puddle jumping weather!! With David
April 8: Fall Out Boy: Let’s make a new album in secret. Fall Out Boy: Let’s tour like crazy, and add more dates once we sell out. Fall Out Boy: Oh, and we should announce that we’re releasing 11 music videos for this album. Fall Out Boy: Let’s leak that album online a week before the release, just for funsies. FLAWLESS PEOPLE. They actually care about us. I’m crying with joy.
April 9: Dear Strangers calling me at work, Just because I said my name was Hope, does not give you permission, as a stranger, to make a pun out of my name. Also, all of you need to learn to read because if you read the instructions we gave you almost none of you would need to call. Stop. From, Hope
April 14: Don’t let a Dagobah without making a Star Wars pun.
April 17: Had a great time catching up with Carrie at Bluestem tonight and drinking delicious coffee. That I think had too much caffeine in it. :)
Random Girl in Class wearing a Doctor Who shirt: I notice your braid.. Is it Star Wars inspired?
Me: Yes. I have a lightsaber in my backpack.
Girl: I don’t believe you. Prove it.
Me: *Pulls out lightsaber* I have 2 more in my dorm.
Girl: Ok then… Awesome.
Me: I’m also wearing the One Ring, a Supernatural necklace and a TARDIS belt.
April 19: Whiteboards are remarkable. (This took me a second the first time but this is a pun, fyi.)
April 22: “He had abbreviated the Doctor of Doctor Who, which you are not supposed to do! You spell out Doctor, everyone watching and listening.” ~ Chris Hardwick
THANK YOU. If you EVER abbreviate the Doctor’s name around me I will come at you because you are 589 kinds of wrong.
April 24: Dear Hope, I know it’s the end of the semester so procrastination and lack of motivation is setting in more than ever but you really can’t afford to procrastinate with the amount of work you have due before the end of the semester. Trust me, from experience, if you don’t do it now, you will regret it a lot later and have to stay up late and miss out on fun things. Get it done. And if you finish this paper now you can watch another episode of Doctor Who. Love, Hope
April 25: Important public service announcement: Don’t keep a wand of bubbles in your backpack. It’s a bad idea… I’ll leave it at that.
April 27: If anyone needs to get in touch with me, don’t text or call me, just Facebook me. I’m having…complications, with my phone. So yeah…
April 27: R.I.P. phone. You weren’t great but you worked well enough. I’m sorry I dropped you…
April 28: Learning how to play Mass Effect thanks to Blake! Finally learning how to play video games!
April 28: I want the world to know that a stranger at Walmart came up to David and said, “Sir, you have a fine body.” That is all.
April 29: Dear motivation, I don’t know where you’ve gone but I need you to come back pretty quickly. These 3 papers in the next week are not going to write themselves. I promise after all my finals you can leave again for the summer but I need you to come back for a couple of weeks, ok? Love, Hope
April 30: I don’t want to write my papers or be productive. *flops on the ground*
May 2: Passing time in the theater before Iron Man 3 reading anti-jokes is the best. – With Blake, James and Turner
May 2: Iron Man 3!!!!! FINALLY! – With Blake, James, Turner, Andrew, David, Tia, Sonjay, Parker, Tennery
May 4: Star Wars Day and Free Comic Book day! May the fourth be with you everyone!
May 6: I think my allergies are actually going to kill me. Goodbye, friends. It was great to know you all.
May 7: After forcing herself to go to the library to finish her last paper of the year after class, Hope then typed the final word, hit save and was free from the stress of the semester for a week until her first final. THAT STUPID PAPER IS FINALLY FINISHED. *Lazy mode activated*
May 9: Frolicking in the rain is the best of activities. I have clearly picked the correct boyfriend and friends. :-) – With Blake, Andrew, Andrew and Iniki
May 9: I’m done with my classes! All papers turned in, quizzes completed, now I just have finals at the end of next week, I’m almost free! *goes back to bed*
May 10: Leonardo DiCaprio makes a good Gatsby, in fact, you could even say he’s a Great Gatsby.
May 10: Ok NBC, since 30 Rock is over and the Office is over next week, if you don’t renew Community, I’m not gonna watch anything on your network. Six seasons and a movie, let’s get it.
May 13: And once again it was finals week, by far the best week of the school year. So much time to sleep and hang out with everyone. :)
May 13: Rock climbing is more fun than I expected. Also harder… I definitely don’t have any arm strength. But, fun times. – With Blake, Hailey, David and Sonjay
May 14: Legitimate question, will you all still love me if I fail a class? Because thanks to this teacher this a very real possibility… Oh well, here goes this final… :(
May 14: Nothing like smelling smoke in your dorm, all alarms going off and having to leave. While in the middle of a timed test… *facepalm*
May 14: WE’RE HAVING A FIRE!!! Sale. We’re having a fire sale! But no really… Marlatt is definitely smoking if not on fire..
May 16: Star Trek was a great movie! In related news, if you have a baby DO NOT BRING THEM TO A MOVIE. GET OUT.
May 16: Dear NBC’s The Office, While this past year we’ve hit a rough patch, the 8 years before that you’d always been there for me. You made me laugh, cry and cringe at various times, but you always left me satisfied and smiling. Though it is definitely your time to go now, you will be remembered. For Jim and Pam, for Dwight and his shenanigans, for the awkwardness of Michael Scott, for all the good times that are past. I loved you, The Office. I’m glad to had you in my life. Love, Hope
May 18: Well. Last night ever of living in the dorms, tomorrow, I’m an adult with an apartment who has to buy her own Dr Pepper, no more free stuff in the dining hall. But, it’s been a wonderful year, and I’ve been so blessed by having the most incredible people surrounding me. You guys have made this year, you all know who you are. Thank you. :)
May 19: Storms and Netflix – best way to end an awesome day! This will be a good summer, I’m determined. – With Tia
Ok so it’s finals week which honestly is my favorite week of the year. I know that sounds crazy but as stressful as a week full of tests is, in college there are no classes during finals week so it’s better than many times during the year. I have 4 finals this week but several times during the year I had classes all week, 4 tests and quizzes and papers also due so while cumulative finals or getting a certain grade can be very stressful, it could and has been way worse.
Today however was worse than usual, I hadn’t yet taken any of my finals, one opened online today, one is online on Thursday and two are on Friday. The one that opened today was the cause of my stress and pain. ASDFKHDSKFHASDFKHSDFH. I’m still not over it. But ok, so this class, Urban Sociology, WORST TEACHER I HAVE EVER EVEN HEARD OF!!! Here’s the breakdown of the class: 2 papers and a final. 40 readings for the whole class time, 50+ pages each. The teacher failed us all on the first paper, later decided he couldn’t do that so he changed them all to Ds, we don’t have the grade for the last paper and the final was comprehensive, 37 questions over all of the readings with no study guide. THAT IS OVER 900 PAGES TO READ FOR 37 QUESTIONS!!!! So I was super nervous going into taking that but decided to go ahead and get it over with.
It was this evening after dinner, around 7:30, studied for a bit, sitting in the basement with Andrew and Tia who were also studying. Halfway through my test, about to cry from stress, pretty sure I still have no idea what I’m doing when all the sudden we smell smoke. At first we assume it was a guy that randomly came downstairs right as we started smelling it. Then the smell grew and we saw RAs running around frantically. We decided at this point we should probably go outside, about halfway up the stairs the fire alarms go off so our whole building evacuates. FOR AN HOUR. WHILE I’M SUPPOSED TO BE TAKING A TIMED TEST BUT THE INTERNET WON’T WORK OUTSIDE.
Yeah, apparently the trash room on the first floor caught fire due to faulty wiring but once we finally were allowed back and inside I went back to my test that had 30 minutes left on it and finished it. I still have no clue how I did and feel that it’s a very real possibility I could have failed it and possibly failed the class. *BREATHE HOPE*
Because of this, I kind of had an emotional breakdown. I had finished it sitting in Blake and Sonjay’s room while Blake play a game on the computer and Andrew continued his studying. After I finished Andrew and Sonjay went to go study elsewhere and I flopped down on Blake’s bed in anguish. Being the best boyfriend anyone could ask for, he paused his game, hugged me and then suggested we watch an episode of Supernatural together. I agreed and he played it and went back to his game. I thought I was ok, I really did and I tried to be but then I kept thinking of how much I fail and how I suck at really everything, the next time Blake looked back at me moments later, he could tell I wasn’t ok and saw I was about to burst into tears any second. He paused his game again and Supernatural, sat on his bed with me and just held me, telling me it was ok to cry (Though I’ve now trained myself to never cry so only a few tears escaped). We sat that way a little bit and he reminded me that what’s done is done and I did the best I could. By this time I was feeling a little better but he decided to take it further and drive me to McDonald’s and buy me a chocolate milkshake and an apple pie (No guys, this sounds nice but you don’t know that PIE IS MY FAVORITE THING EVER AND I WOULD PROBABLY KILL FOR IT). We sat in his car and ate our pies and drank our milkshakes then returned to the dorms and watched the rest of the Supernatural episode.
So yeah, moral of the story.. I’m still worried I failed but I did try my best and somehow I’ve found the most amazing boyfriend ever. Who will pause a video game just to make sure I’m ok when I’m being stupid.
This was the last weekend here before most people leave for the summer.
From past experiences this also means this was the last weekend that people care. Everyone always promises things will be the same and we’ll all stay friends but I’m always forgotten anyways. The rest of the group usually does but I’m unimportant, easily forgotten and never talked to.
I don’t want that to happen again. My friends from this year are the best I’ve ever had and for just once I want it to stay that way.
I told myself not to care again but its too late for that now.
I want to just enjoy the few days I have left but I can’t stop worrying. It’s ridiculous.