- For people who care
- For pancakes and IHOP
- For my kind and adorable sister
- For a cuddly cat to be around
- For Netflix to distract from feelings
- For music to drown out thoughts
- For Fall Out Boy
- That my family was only here 24 hours
- For pie
- For eating til I feel awful
- For Dr Pepper that’s there for me when I need it
- Coffee to keep me awake when my parents screwed up my schedule
- For when the holiday season will be over
Tomorrow after class, I have my first day of my internship which is quite exciting! I’m so close to reaching my dream I can taste it. :)
After that, Sonjay and I are driving to Wichita to help our friend Michael and his mom with a fundraiser on Saturday, because we’re not needed til Saturday, he’s dropping me off at my house Friday evening and he’ll be staying with Becca. Because my house sucks and because he’s the best in the world, Blake is being amazing and coming down with us and staying at my house with me. This means he’ll be meeting my parents and my sister. My sister will love him because they’re both awesome people but I’m quite nervous as to how my parents (especially my mom) will be.. After all, they’re not exactly the nicest people. Yet even through this, Blake is still willing to come down, just to make sure I’m ok. I didn’t know it was possible that I would ever find someone who cared enough about me to brave my family.. This will help a lot.
Also, I SHOULD be getting my car this weekend when I’m home. I’m rather nervous about that situation because I talked to my parents about it weeks ago and they were supposed to just check into a used one (I sent a list over 15 cars that were all at dealers and under $5,000) that would work. I told them it didn’t matter what kind I just needed on that works. Three weeks later and two days before I’m coming to pick it up, they still haven’t gotten one. Dad claims it’s still possible but I’m getting really nervous.. as I really really need this now. Before now really.
I knew I couldn’t trust my parents with this.. but I had no other choice.. :/
Then Saturday morning we will all (Me, Blake and Sonjay) got to Michael’s house and help with some sort of fundraiser. I love Michael’s family and it’s been a while since seeing them so that part of the weekend will be lovely.
This should be…interesting.
I’m so done with school. We’re 4 days in and I’m already super stressed and just want to be done and have a billion things to read. NONE OF THIS EVEN MATTERS TO ME AT ALL.
I’m paying thousands of dollars out of pocket and a hundred dollars for books and supplies and I’m not even learning anything useful and I just feel like I’m wasting money and time.
And I’m going home this weekend and I feel literally sick to my stomach about it I hate going home and I don’t know why I agreed to do this. And now I guess my grandma is in the hospital so it’ll be even worse because I’ll just be at the hospital the whole time.
And apparently no one in my family even cares because I’ve been a senior for 4 days now and it hasn’t even been mentioned and I know they don’t actually care about me but they could at least try if they’re going to pull the sob story about how much I don’t care about them and act like they love me so much.
I’m just tired.. Tired of doing stuff. College is exhausting.
And so is missing people… I miss Blake so much it hurts. Skype doesn’t help, texting doesn’t help, I want to be back in his arms. I want to stop feeling this pain and just be with him and be happy again.
I’ve always enjoyed writing but I rarely have ideas. I’m not creative enough to create worlds or beautiful stories that change the lives of people reading. That won’t ever be me, but I still enjoy it.
I enjoy writing out my thoughts, venting, just getting it all out, somehow it helps clear my head. I don’t have beautiful ways of saying things, or interesting stories to tell or poetry to write, but I will continue to do it anyways.
Right now, there’s not a lot on my mind, not a lot people want to read about anyways.
I’m thinking about my family. How much it hurts, how much I don’t want to go back and how much I wish I could get my sister out of there and just never have contact with our parents again. I’m thinking how much I wish things were different, how they were loving and caring and weren’t spiteful and heartless.
I’m thinking (months ahead of time, but it’s bothering me regardless) how much I wish decisions were easy. I wish I could just not go home for holidays and it be ok and not end up hurting my sister in the process.
I’m thinking about how glad I am school is starting soon and friends will start returning.
I’m thinking about the friends who won’t return, who’ve graduated or transferred and who I don’t know if I’ll ever see again.
I’m thinking of my boyfriend, who I love so much. How glad I am he’s been able to visit for a week before going home and we’ll be apart for a year, with only short visits in between.
I’m thinking of how attached I’ve become again to him always being at my side, always available to hug and kiss and to make me smile.
I’m thinking of the sleepy way he looks when he’s stayed up all night but drives me to work anyways, how adorable it is.
I’m thinking of how he looks at me when I’ve been sleeping and he accidentally wakes me up and he looks at me more lovingly than I knew anyone could and whispers how much he loves me and how beautiful I am.
I’m thinking of how in love I am and how much things have changed in the past few months, I went from never thinking anyone would care about me to being happily in love with the most perfect of boyfriends.
I’m thinking how glad I am that though my blood family sucks, I have been blessed with the most amazing family of friends who cares about me and loves me and legitimately wants to spend time with me.
Ok, so basically I was raised in a church, my parents took me twice a week, that’s how I was raised. (Though I’ve now come to unfortunately doubt just how strong in their personal faiths my parents are due to their actions, I hope they’re truly Christians though.) When I was about 3, they took me to a Billy Graham crusade where I asked to be taken down for the altar call and accept Christ. Since I was so young, when I was about 9 I prayed again, with more of an understanding this time, really thinking about how I wanted to serve God.
For a while, I just went about my life, I obeyed my parents, never cussed, never drank, never did anything slightly rebellious at all but I also didn’t do anything fantastic either. I just lived and always made excuses about why I never went out my way to witness to people, “I might say the wrong thing, turn people away.” “I’m not good at speaking.” “God will use other people.” All those excuses are crap, as a Christian it is literally a command that I go out and tell people the good news, even though I don’t have all the answers nor am I good at speaking, it’s my job, God will take care of the rest.
Anyways, I got a little bolder at the end of high school, I had a really awesome Youth Group that helped me grow in my faith but I still wasn’t so keen on sharing but I continued in growth and fellowship.
Sophomore year of college, (Last year) completely changed everything. I had about 6 really close friends on my floor who were incredibly strong Christians and we spent so much time fellowshipping, worshipping and discussing our faith amongst ourselves and with others on my floor. One of them, Kyle, my RA, has the most incredible passion for Christ I’ve ever seen. People who hate God and Christians would go up and ask him about his faith because it’s so infectious and he just loves with the most incredible, God-like love I’ve ever seen. They all helped me last year, but Kyle helped me the most.
Seeing him and the way he loved everyone, made me want that too. I want to love like God does and bring everyone I possibly can to Him.
Throughout my life, though I’ve been incredibly blessed, I’ve also gone through a lot of crap. My parents are not… the most loving. We’ll say that. For years I’ve constantly heard things like how much I suck and how I’m the worst person imaginable and I’m a disappointment, a whole lot of verbal abuse that honestly I think comes partially from my mother possibly having a mental disorder. I don’t blame them for it because I don’t know if it’s intentional but it still hurts and has left me in a lot of pain and I’m damaged to say the least.
Going through all that stuff with my family has been so hard, especially in the past 5 years or so and there have been many times when I wasn’t sure if I could make it. I didn’t have the will to go on or the hope to see a way out or a future. I’ve hard dark times and while I’m not out of that depression to say the least, I have a bit of hope for the future just because of how faithful God has always been.
Even in little things, which to me mean more than big things, God has been faithful and has always shown Himself and how much He cared. Things like providing a job and housing for last summer when it appeared originally there would be nowhere. Things like bringing the closest friends I’ve ever met and the friends who have accepted me more tightly than a family would when people I thought were my friends left. Even smaller things, like finding a Loki t-shirt I had wanted for months on a super intense sale. God has been incredibly faithful and awesome through everything.
Because of that, that’s why I believe. That’s why through all my hard times I won’t give up. That’s why I trust in Him even when everything looks hopeless. I suck and am so unworthy of everything He’s blessed me with but He loves me and provides for me anyways.
I don’t know what I’d do without my faith and the people I love. I have been blessed.
Jeremiah 29:11 ~ “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
I’ve known that for a while, I really have, I know that God loves me, I know that my little sister loves me and I know that my two friends left in Georgia love me. However, as I’ve written on here many times before, I always care more than others care about me, all my friendships have faded, I care too much, distance separates us, people just stop caring or talking to me, whatever the case, most of my past friendships have faded and that’s just life.
It’s upset me for a while now, being betrayed and left by people I thought were my friends, I’m ok now, I’ve survived those losses and gotten through them but I just thought I’d keep floating through friend groups. All of them leaving once we were apart.
I think I was wrong.
My group from this year: Blake, Hailey, Sonjay, Taylor, David, Michael, Tia, and Andrew. (Also Carrie from last year), they really care. When I was sick, they all took care of me and made sure I was ok. If I post something sad or angsty on Tumblr all of them (Well, the 5 that have Tumblr) immediately ask me about it to make sure I’m doing ok. If I talk to my mom they ask how I am afterwards and see if they can do anything to help. They text me if I’m feeling down and don’t take me saying I’m fine for an answer.
I’ve finally found a family that loves me.
I apologize for the way that I am, for the way I hate myself, for the way I often feel depressed and don’t know how to get out of it. I’m sorry that I self-harm sometimes because I feel worthless. I’m sorry that I care too much and seem to push other people away. I’m sorry that I have so many flaws that I can’t see past. I’m sorry I’m indecisive and ramble about everything and tell pointless stories. I’m sorry I care so much about fictional worlds, they help me cope with the real one. I’m sorry for the way that I am.
But thank you, thank you for sticking by me anyways, for seeing past my flaws and loving me anyways. Thank you for caring, and being concerned about me when I’m sad.
I’m blessed with such incredible people in my life.