Every year when it gets cold I try so hard not to complain – I hate the cold, it makes me miserable and it makes my depression flair up without fail. (It doesn’t help that I’m the kind of person that gets cold in the summer so when it’s 13 degrees I’m definitely not happy..) But I figure complaining doesn’t help anyone and is really just annoying so I need to stop. And I’m trying, I am.
This post isn’t complaining about the weather – necessarily, it’s complaining about a lot of other stuff. (Man I need to start writing occasionally when I’m happy too not just angst everywhere.)
I hate my 20s. My mom told me the other day the my early 20’s will be the happiest I’ll ever be and I hope to God she’s wrong because I have very few times these past few years when I’m actually truly happy. I’ll have good days here and there, and I can definitely recognize good things that happen to me (God is so faithful to me no matter how my life looks overall) but I’m sad. I’m really sad.
I’m single and I don’t want to be, I’m in a dead end job I don’t want to be at and I’m in the Midwest. None of these things are good. And yes, objectively I know in this day and age many people are in dead end jobs and not where they want to be. And yes I know, I know, everyone says there’s someone out there for me. But not now. None of those good things are happening to me now and as much as I try to be optimistic, my depression won’t let.
It’s worse this week and I don’t know why. My anxiety and people being busy and not hanging out with the people I really wanted to this week have made me really sad right now. I’m at work at 1am typing this up and doing my best not to cry. I did earlier you know – a friend cancelled plans for perfectly understandable and legitimate reasons and I cried for half an hour. What the heck is even wrong with me?
Why can’t I just be content? Why can’t I be happy?
I hate being sad. And winter has only begun.
I turn 23 this week and it sure feels in my head like Blink-182 was right when they said no one likes you at 23.
*I know people like me and I know I have great friends and I know I’m whining and I have no right to be this sad when other people have it so much worse. I’m just in a crappy mood.*
Today is hard and healing is hard and adulthood is hard. My heart has been better recently, there’s been laughter, and coffee and friends and Jesus being good all the time despite my feelings.
Right now I don’t want to go to work and I don’t want to be alone and I don’t want to be an adult but I don’t have a choice of any of those things. I want to be hugged and I want to be loved and get coffee with someone and talk or watch a movie. I want someone I can lean my head on their shoulder and cry like I feel like doing.
I know things will get better, and they have been going better as of late but some days are hard and hopeless.
And it appears the seasonal depression is also settling in..
I wish I knew how to love myself. I wish I knew how to stop loving him.
It’s weird, knowing things objectively – like, we don’t belong together, this break up is for the best, I’m worthy of love because Jesus loves me, things like that, but not being able to truly know them. I don’t see anything good in myself – I really never have and I want to but don’t know how to begin.
It’s a month today – I’m sitting in my room eating ice cream and crying. This week will actually be good, I have a lot of plans and things will be good. Right now- 11pm by myself, this is not good. I want healing to be easier. I want to be the person God wants me to be and I wish I knew how to do all of those things.
Growing up and having a broken heart is so much harder than one would imagine.
This week has been.. bad. Like, extraordinarily bad. I’ve been heartbroken for a month now, learning to be single again, learning to get over love, all that. I’m bad at it – really bad. I thought I was doing okay, or getting to okay at least but then he texted me- out of the blue he texted me and it destroyed me again and killed my entire week. He was just asking how I was and soon realized it was too soon but it killed me and led to me crying in my car for 20 minutes in a parking lot.
On top of that – it’s midterm week – ALL of my friends were busy. I’ve been lonely anyways but this was extraordinarily painful – no one to hang out with for a week straight – work, go home, Netflix (which even I am getting bored of), go to sleep, repeat. It’s been horrendous as someone who can’t be alone because I think too much, cry too much, do nothing but feel bad for myself. Depression is bad alone, but everything else on top of it, man. I’m at the point where if I was held at gun point, (NOT THAT I WANT TO DIE) I would not even protest.
BUT. I went to Bible study last night and MAN. The lesson was ON POINT. Okay? We talked about God’s timing and the pastor took words straight out of my mind, “Do you feel heartbroken, lonely, not going anywhere, in a rut? Do you feel like you’re just not where you should be with relationships or careers?” (Um, yes, all of the above actually?) and he talked about and reminded me of just what I need to be CONSTANTLY remembering. God is here. No matter what. There’s no reason He has to be- He doesn’t need us but he NEVER leaves us and is constantly working to make our lives better. When things aren’t going our way that just means He has something planned that is SO MUCH more than we can imagine.
So that was refreshing and a good thing to remember but I’m still just like feeling awful and lonely because I do that in my head and my brain just lies to me a lot about people caring. So there it is, last song of church and I’m just sitting there praying, “God, please just calm my anxiety and comfort me and make me not feel so alone. Next week people will be less busy, I can wait a couple days to see people again.” BOOM. Second I finish praying is when church ends so I pick up my phone and check it, I have two texts, a missed called, a Facebook message and a Snapchat from two friends telling me to get over to Taco Bell so we can hang out.
Man, God’s timing is always good and comforting but THAT. I am constantly amazed by Him and I need to remember how much bigger He is than me and how well He plans my future.
I miss him. A lot. How do you stop loving someone who was with you every step of the way for a year and a half? How do you make yourself forget? How do you stop associating everything you did together with him? How do I start healing? I thought I was doing better but when he texted me yesterday wanting to still be friends I quickly learned that wasn’t the case.
I was working out when I recieved the text, I planned on staying at the gym longer but then I completely lost it as I read his text, I had to leave immediately where I just sat in my car and sobbed. He realized a couple texts in that I wasn’t ready, and apologized for not giving me enough time. He’s a good guy and I do want to be friends with him eventually, but that’s my problem. He’s a great guy, a guy I thought I would marry, the first guy I ever truly loved and the guy that taught me so much. It’s going to take time.. so much time.
I’m broken and I hate it. I’m so lonely and if I’m not at work and people are busy, I don’t even have anything to distract me. No more school, no projects or papers to keep my mind at ease. And everyone is busy or far away. I have friends that try to hang out when possible but 90% of the time I’m alone and I don’t know how to be alone.
Someone help me.
I haven’t used this blog in so long, I had nearly forgotten about it..
Last time I wrote I was falling in love for the first time, I was happy though dealing with a lot. I was a girlfriend. A student. A brunette. Now I’m none of those things.
I think I might get back to writing here because I have so much on my mind that I simply can’t discuss with people (not necessarily because they won’t care but because I don’t know how to get it out.) and I can’t use my Tumblr for all of these.
More details to come later but a quick summary: I’ve recently had a breakup. It hurts. It hurts more than I knew. 3 days shy of a year and 7 months. He told me we would marry someday, apparently not. He said he’d be there, apparently not. – This happened three weeks ago and honestly I feel lost. I’ve never been in this much pain before, nothing like this has ever happened. Which I suppose sounds immature, I’m upset over a boy, I’m 22 I have my whole life ahead of me, relationships come and go. – I do know all of that but it doesn’t make it hurt less. Now I actually know why they call it heartbreak. Because it hurts and feels like you’ll never be okay again. It feels like you can’t go on. You know that something another human has done shouldn’t cause this much pain but it does. Then weeks go by and people seem to expect you to be okay- and some days you feel like you are. Some days are okay, some even good but then a memory, a waft of emotion will float by and you’ll feel broken again.
That’s where I’m at.
Tomorrow after class, I have my first day of my internship which is quite exciting! I’m so close to reaching my dream I can taste it. :)
After that, Sonjay and I are driving to Wichita to help our friend Michael and his mom with a fundraiser on Saturday, because we’re not needed til Saturday, he’s dropping me off at my house Friday evening and he’ll be staying with Becca. Because my house sucks and because he’s the best in the world, Blake is being amazing and coming down with us and staying at my house with me. This means he’ll be meeting my parents and my sister. My sister will love him because they’re both awesome people but I’m quite nervous as to how my parents (especially my mom) will be.. After all, they’re not exactly the nicest people. Yet even through this, Blake is still willing to come down, just to make sure I’m ok. I didn’t know it was possible that I would ever find someone who cared enough about me to brave my family.. This will help a lot.
Also, I SHOULD be getting my car this weekend when I’m home. I’m rather nervous about that situation because I talked to my parents about it weeks ago and they were supposed to just check into a used one (I sent a list over 15 cars that were all at dealers and under $5,000) that would work. I told them it didn’t matter what kind I just needed on that works. Three weeks later and two days before I’m coming to pick it up, they still haven’t gotten one. Dad claims it’s still possible but I’m getting really nervous.. as I really really need this now. Before now really.
I knew I couldn’t trust my parents with this.. but I had no other choice.. :/
Then Saturday morning we will all (Me, Blake and Sonjay) got to Michael’s house and help with some sort of fundraiser. I love Michael’s family and it’s been a while since seeing them so that part of the weekend will be lovely.
This should be…interesting.