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UGHHHHHHHHHH. (Homework)


I hate doing homework. I hate having all this stuff to do because I don’t feel like I’m actually taking in information or learning anything new, I just feel like I’m cramming new, unimportant stuff in my brain to only take a quiz or whatever and then forget it.

American School system….. :/ Blech.

Yeah, right now I’m just typing down vocabulary words and their definitions while watching anime (Gurren Lagann to be specific). THIS DOESN’T FEEL PRODUCTIVE.

Yeah. This is clearly a procrastination post… So I’m sorry for whoever is reading this. :)

4 Days into Senior Year


I’m so done with school. We’re 4 days in and I’m already super stressed and just want to be done and have a billion things to read. NONE OF THIS EVEN MATTERS TO ME AT ALL.

I’m paying thousands of dollars out of pocket and a hundred dollars for books and supplies and I’m not even learning anything useful and I just feel like I’m wasting money and time.

And I’m going home this weekend and I feel literally sick to my stomach about it I hate going home and I don’t know why I agreed to do this. And now I guess my grandma is in the hospital so it’ll be even worse because I’ll just be at the hospital the whole time.

And apparently no one in my family even cares because I’ve been a senior for 4 days now and it hasn’t even been mentioned and I know they don’t actually care about me but they could at least try if they’re going to pull the sob story about how much I don’t care about them and act like they love me so much.

I’m just tired.. Tired of doing stuff. College is exhausting.

And so is missing people… I miss Blake so much it hurts. Skype doesn’t help, texting doesn’t help, I want to be back in his arms. I want to stop feeling this pain and just be with him and be happy again.

An End of Summer Update


Sorry for the recent more sappy posts  I have just needed to write what’s on my mind and only had here to do so.
As you have, I assume, noticed I have fallen in love since I last gave you any real update, its amazing.
In other news, and the reason I haven’t posted much this summer is I have actually been having a good, fun summer hanging out with friends. Its been lovely.
Also, I’ll be starting my senior year in a week which is odd, honestly, I’ll be a college graduate in May.
So yeah, that’s not a very good update for now but that’s basically what’s happening.
Talk to you all later.

In Which Hope Has an Emotional Breakdown


Ok so it’s finals week which honestly is my favorite week of the year. I know that sounds crazy but as stressful as a week full of tests is, in college there are no classes during finals week so it’s better than many times during the year. I have 4 finals this week but several times during the year I had classes all week, 4 tests and quizzes and papers also due so while cumulative finals or getting a certain grade can be very stressful, it could and has been way worse.

Today however was worse than usual, I hadn’t yet taken any of my finals, one opened online today, one is online on Thursday and two are on Friday.  The one that opened today was the cause of my stress and pain. ASDFKHDSKFHASDFKHSDFH. I’m still not over it. But ok, so this class, Urban Sociology, WORST TEACHER I HAVE EVER EVEN HEARD OF!!! Here’s the breakdown of the class: 2 papers and a final. 40 readings for the whole class time, 50+ pages each. The teacher failed us all on the first paper, later decided he couldn’t do that so he changed them all to Ds, we don’t have the grade for the last paper and the final was comprehensive, 37 questions over all of the readings with no study guide. THAT IS OVER 900 PAGES TO READ FOR 37 QUESTIONS!!!!  So I was super nervous going into taking that but decided to go ahead and get it over with.

It was this evening after dinner, around 7:30, studied for a bit, sitting in the basement with Andrew and Tia who were also studying. Halfway through my test, about to cry from stress, pretty sure I still have no idea what I’m doing when all the sudden we smell smoke. At first we assume it was a guy that randomly came downstairs right as we started smelling it. Then the smell grew and we saw RAs running around frantically. We decided at this point we should probably go outside, about halfway up the stairs the fire alarms go off so our whole building evacuates. FOR AN HOUR. WHILE I’M SUPPOSED TO BE TAKING A TIMED TEST BUT THE INTERNET WON’T WORK OUTSIDE.

Yeah, apparently the trash room on the first floor caught fire due to faulty wiring but once we finally were allowed back and inside I went back to my test that had 30 minutes left on it and finished it. I still have no clue how I did and feel that it’s a very real possibility I could have failed it and possibly failed the class. *BREATHE HOPE*

Because of this, I kind of had an emotional breakdown. I had finished it sitting in Blake and Sonjay’s room while Blake play a game on the computer and Andrew continued his studying. After I finished Andrew and Sonjay went to go study elsewhere and I flopped down on Blake’s bed in anguish. Being the best boyfriend anyone could ask for, he paused his game, hugged me and then suggested we watch an episode of Supernatural together. I agreed and he played it and went back to his game.  I thought I was ok, I really did and I tried to be but then I kept thinking of how much I fail and how I suck at really everything, the next time Blake looked back at me moments later, he could tell I wasn’t ok and saw I was about to burst into tears any second. He paused his game again and Supernatural, sat on his bed with me and just held me, telling me it was ok to cry (Though I’ve now trained myself to never cry so only a few tears escaped). We sat that way a little bit and he reminded me that what’s done is done and I did the best I could.  By this time I was feeling a little better but he decided to take it further and drive me to McDonald’s and buy me a chocolate milkshake and an apple pie (No guys, this sounds nice but you don’t know that PIE IS MY FAVORITE THING EVER AND I WOULD PROBABLY KILL FOR IT). We sat in his car and ate our pies and drank our milkshakes then returned to the dorms and watched the rest of the Supernatural episode.

So yeah, moral of the story.. I’m still worried I failed but I did try my best and somehow I’ve found the most amazing boyfriend ever. Who will pause a video game just to make sure I’m ok when I’m being stupid.

Hope, stop worrying.


This was the last weekend here before most people leave for the summer.

From past experiences this also means this was the last weekend that people care. Everyone always promises things will be the same and we’ll all stay friends but I’m always forgotten anyways. The rest of the group usually does but I’m unimportant, easily forgotten and never talked to.
I don’t want that to happen again. My friends from this year are the best I’ve ever had and for just once I want it to stay that way.

I told myself not to care again but its too late for that now.

I want to just enjoy the few days I have left but I can’t stop worrying. It’s ridiculous.

 

 

An End of the Year Update


I haven’t written in a while I know, and apparently this is my 3 year anniversary on this site (Lucky that I randomly logged in today, eh?) so congratulations to me!

I’m not as active as I once was but I’m thankful to have this to come and write my random thoughts, even if only a few people see them it’s still a nice idea to have.

Anyways, my junior year of college is winding down, in about 2 hours I’ll have my last class of the semester and then next Thursday I’ll have my first final (with 3 then on Friday) and after that I’ll be moving out of the dorms on Saturday.

My feelings on this are quite bittersweet, as they always are at the end of the year. I’m excited to be done with work, I’m quite burnt out on school work right now and definitely need the break but once more I’ll be separated from my friends for a few months.

Like last summer, I’ll be staying up in my college town and working full-time.  I’ll be moving into my own apartment this year because the dorms aren’t letting seniors return for overflow purposes. So, for the first time I’ll be completely on my own. My parents no longer provide for me in any way, I’ll have my own place, pay my own rent and as of last week I’m now paying for my cell phone as well. It’s a nice feeling but certainly a scary one.

Fortunately, making things a bit easier with all these changes, unlike last year I’ll have friends staying here with me. Six of my close friends, Sonjay, Tia, Devon, Alex, Matt and Kendra will be staying up here as well which will give me people to hang out with and will hopefully reduce my loneliness and bouts with depression that I struggle with so much when I’m alone. I do of course wish that more people from my main group I hang out with this year would be there, especially my boyfriend of course but I think it will be a good summer regardless, and I’ll still get to talk to them and hopefully see them some throughout the summer.

I’m determined to make this one a good year. It’s my last summer before I graduate, before I have to actually be an adult and such and I plan on making the most of it.

I’ll keep you updated. :)

Hope

 

P.S. Iron Man 3 premiere was last weekend and is ONE OF THE MOST PERFECT MOVIES I’VE EVER SEEN. And tonight is the Great Gatsby premiere! Yeah!

The Future is Coming


The future is coming quickly, it’s a just a year and a month til I graduate, til I’m done with formal education forever. I know what I want to do, I want to be on the police force in my college town, at least for a bit, maybe move onto more law enforcement later but that’s mostly it. I know that, but I’m still terrified. I have a plan but the fact that I’m almost completely on my own, I’m moving into my first apartment, out of the dorms next month and it scares me.

How did this happen? How did I get to be an adult? A 21-year-old, with an awesome boyfriend, working and paying for college on my own, about to move out into the real world depending completely on myself. I need to save for a car. I need to focus fully on school now that I’m at the end. I need to be the person I’m supposed to be, the person God wants me to be. I need to put God first in my life, above all else, I need to trust.

Growing up is weird, I have a month before I move into my apartment now. This summer will certainly be better than last, I’ll have an actual home instead of living on someone’s couch, I’ll still be working at the same place and be away from my family (which is a blessing) but this summer I’ll have friends up here with me and won’t be alone. I don’t feel like an adult still though, will that ever happen? Will I ever feel independent of people?

I don’t know. I don’t know a lot of things. I’m scared. The future is terrifying but God is in control. I’m blessed. I don’t know what’ll happen next year, whether I’ll get the policing job I want. I don’t know. But I do know God loves me and will provide. He’s given me a family of friends that means the world to me and He’ll never abandon me.

And that is comforting.