Every year when it gets cold I try so hard not to complain – I hate the cold, it makes me miserable and it makes my depression flair up without fail. (It doesn’t help that I’m the kind of person that gets cold in the summer so when it’s 13 degrees I’m definitely not happy..) But I figure complaining doesn’t help anyone and is really just annoying so I need to stop. And I’m trying, I am.
This post isn’t complaining about the weather – necessarily, it’s complaining about a lot of other stuff. (Man I need to start writing occasionally when I’m happy too not just angst everywhere.)
I hate my 20s. My mom told me the other day the my early 20’s will be the happiest I’ll ever be and I hope to God she’s wrong because I have very few times these past few years when I’m actually truly happy. I’ll have good days here and there, and I can definitely recognize good things that happen to me (God is so faithful to me no matter how my life looks overall) but I’m sad. I’m really sad.
I’m single and I don’t want to be, I’m in a dead end job I don’t want to be at and I’m in the Midwest. None of these things are good. And yes, objectively I know in this day and age many people are in dead end jobs and not where they want to be. And yes I know, I know, everyone says there’s someone out there for me. But not now. None of those good things are happening to me now and as much as I try to be optimistic, my depression won’t let.
It’s worse this week and I don’t know why. My anxiety and people being busy and not hanging out with the people I really wanted to this week have made me really sad right now. I’m at work at 1am typing this up and doing my best not to cry. I did earlier you know – a friend cancelled plans for perfectly understandable and legitimate reasons and I cried for half an hour. What the heck is even wrong with me?
Why can’t I just be content? Why can’t I be happy?
I hate being sad. And winter has only begun.
I turn 23 this week and it sure feels in my head like Blink-182 was right when they said no one likes you at 23.
*I know people like me and I know I have great friends and I know I’m whining and I have no right to be this sad when other people have it so much worse. I’m just in a crappy mood.*
Today is hard and healing is hard and adulthood is hard. My heart has been better recently, there’s been laughter, and coffee and friends and Jesus being good all the time despite my feelings.
Right now I don’t want to go to work and I don’t want to be alone and I don’t want to be an adult but I don’t have a choice of any of those things. I want to be hugged and I want to be loved and get coffee with someone and talk or watch a movie. I want someone I can lean my head on their shoulder and cry like I feel like doing.
I know things will get better, and they have been going better as of late but some days are hard and hopeless.
And it appears the seasonal depression is also settling in..
I don’t understand how someone can tell their daughter constantly that they’ll never amount to anything, I don’t know how you can look into her sweet, compassionate face and tell her she’s worthless and then turn around and tell us both you’re our biggest fans and you love us. I don’t understand how you can tell us something our whole life and then change your mind the second it’s relevant. My sister is the kindest, most loving person anyone could ever meet and you are destroying her life, there’s a sadness in her that won’t go away and that’s killing her slowly. I hate that you’re doing this to her, you’ve said these things to both of us for years but I took them slightly better than she did, she’s taking these things to heart, completely. You told her she won’t amount to anything and that she’s the reason you’re terminally ill and she believes it, she honestly thinks everything wrong is because of her, she blames herself for all of your crap and I hate it. You’ve destroyed our family and now you’re destroying my sister. There is literally nothing I can do about this and I hate that even more. If I could, I would get her out of your house in a second and we would never return. Just two more years and that will be possible, and don’t worry, we won’t be back to bother you. Ever.
I hate being sad. I hate that I don’t remember how to feel happy. I hate that everyone I’m friends with eventually leaves or finds someone better. I wish I could stop caring because my caring only seems to push people away. I wish I knew how to turn off all my feelings so I could stop hurting and hurting others.
I hate writing on here about how sad I am but sometimes I have to get it out. I don’t know what I do wrong most of the time with friendships but I clearly do something because almost everyone leaves. It hurts me but I hate hurting other people more than I hate being hurt.
But now, now I can’t remember how to be happy. The pain of everyone leaving is getting to me and I miss them. I miss the person who was my closest friend in the world, I ruined everything, I scared him off like I scare off everyone. And now I don’t know what to do.
WARNING ANGST AHEAD. I just need to get it out though…
I do NOT like living alone. I have far too much time to think. During the week it’s ok, I have work, I see people, I hang out sometimes, but during the weekend I’m alone. My roommate goes home and I literally saw no one today or yesterday. I just get sad with my thoughts. I’m excited for people to be back soon but then I think, what if things changed over the summer? While we were away, what if they like everyone else forgot about me? While they were working at camp and couldn’t communicate with me, what if they decided they didn’t want to? What if we get back and our friendships aren’t the same? I already know things will be completely different since we’re all in different places, but what if they’re like everyone else and they don’t want to hang out, or if we all get to busy to hang out? I can’t stand that thought. I’m scared. I care too much. Always. I need them but they don’t need me. I’m not needed by anyone. I’m just the one that needs. I need to get rid of my feelings.
Found on Tumblr that is exactly how I feel:
– I can’t picture anyone daydreaming about me. I can’t picture someone thinking about me when they’re laying in bed before they fall asleep. I can’t picture anyone telling their friends about me. I can’t picture anyone getting butterflies because I hugged them, or even just because I made eye contact with them. I can’t picture someone smiling because my name lit up their phone. I just can’t.
– I wish I was pretty, or smart, or artistic, or creative, or motivated, or clever…
I wish I was something and I wish I knew what I was if I am something…
all I feel like lately is a failure…
I’m just scared and worried and getting depressed more and more the longer I’m alone. I don’t want to be like this, broken and hurt. I want to help heal others, not need healing. I want to be needed and loved, not be the only one doing the needing. I hate being alone.
I’m going home (to college) on Sunday, I’m going to hang out with some of my best friends tomorrow, I should be happy, be thrilled and not angsty at all but instead I’ve just been hit with a super angsty feeling again. Why does this keep happening? I mean, I am thrilled to be going back, I can’t wait, to see my dear West 5 friends and be back in Manhattan with the people I love and consider my family but at the same time I’m depressed again. Maybe it’s the combination of the weather, and the fact that I’ve been home for a month with my family, I don’t know what it is. I said earlier and it’s still true that I am stronger this time than I’ve been before but it’s been hard. I’ve tried to act like it wasn’t and hope that acting that way would make it easier but it hasn’t. And I can’t stop being angsty about my lack of a relationship with a guy too. No, I’m not being one of those girls that needs a guy to be happy, that’s not it at all it just seems that I don’t think I’ll ever have a guy. My heart feels like giving up. I want to trust that God has someone for me but even the Bible says that some people are meant to be single. What if I’m one of those people? I can’t stand the thought of it and yeah, I know I’m young and still have time but sometimes I just feel so down and like no one could ever feel that way about me. All these people I know are getting married and engaged and some of them are even younger than me and I can’t help but wonder, when is it my turn? Will it ever be my turn? This is happening to everyone else and I’m here alone. I’m not truly alone, I know that, I have wonderful friends who are always here for me but I wonder if it’ll ever be my turn to fall in love. To have someone care about me. To have someone hold and kiss me. To have someone look at me like I’m amazing. I want that. I know that I have all the love I need with God and I truly am trying to be content and I sort of am. I’m happy with God’s love, it’s so perfect and I fall more for him each day. I wouldn’t have this longing inside if I wasn’t meant to find somebody, right? Or am I truly one of those meant to stay single? And why can’t I just stop thinking of it and being angsty? This is an annoying feeling. I hate feeling alone and unloved and angsty. Ugh.
Ok, I’m sorry, I’d been doing well at not being angsty but there I go again. I’m sorry, I just had to get that out.
This is what always happens. I always care so much for others and either they don’t seem to care at all or I just care way more for them than they do me. It’s quite sad really and I wish it would stop happening. My parents don’t seem to care, the couple of relationships I’ve had in the past with guys have ended with them basically telling me they never cared at all and in the past few months I’ve come to realize that friends that told me they would be there forever, the friends who were closer than siblings don’t care at all anymore, I’ve been reduced to less important than a hair and nail appointment, from a “best friend” and “sister” who I haven’t seen in 5 years. I wish I knew what I was doing wrong and yes, I know this is another angsty post but the combination of being home and losing friends I was promised forever has made me quite a bit angsty, I promise I’ll try to do better the rest of the week. But I just wish I knew what to change, I love caring about people, making people happy and feel loved and cared for is my favorite thing to do but for once I wish someone cared enough to make me feel that way. Ok, that statement wasn’t entirely fair, I do have wonderful friends that I know are there for me always but I’m tired of finding out that I’m not worth caring about. I’m tired of losing people who mean the world to me. I just want someone to care about me as much as I care about them, to text me randomly and ask how I’m doing or just to say hey. And again, I do have some close friends who do that and I’m so very thankful for them, but some the people who mean the most to me and I’ve known the longest, and the ones I care the most for always seem to leave. The ones who said they’d be there forever, forever sure is a shorter time than I had always thought I guess.
Again, I’m sorry for the angst, I’ll try to stop it, I told myself I wouldn’t complain, and I’m trying not to, but when all I want to do is sit and cry and sleep for the rest of the break, I had to get my feelings out somehow.