This is what always happens. I always care so much for others and either they don’t seem to care at all or I just care way more for them than they do me. It’s quite sad really and I wish it would stop happening. My parents don’t seem to care, the couple of relationships I’ve had in the past with guys have ended with them basically telling me they never cared at all and in the past few months I’ve come to realize that friends that told me they would be there forever, the friends who were closer than siblings don’t care at all anymore, I’ve been reduced to less important than a hair and nail appointment, from a “best friend” and “sister” who I haven’t seen in 5 years. I wish I knew what I was doing wrong and yes, I know this is another angsty post but the combination of being home and losing friends I was promised forever has made me quite a bit angsty, I promise I’ll try to do better the rest of the week. But I just wish I knew what to change, I love caring about people, making people happy and feel loved and cared for is my favorite thing to do but for once I wish someone cared enough to make me feel that way. Ok, that statement wasn’t entirely fair, I do have wonderful friends that I know are there for me always but I’m tired of finding out that I’m not worth caring about. I’m tired of losing people who mean the world to me. I just want someone to care about me as much as I care about them, to text me randomly and ask how I’m doing or just to say hey. And again, I do have some close friends who do that and I’m so very thankful for them, but some the people who mean the most to me and I’ve known the longest, and the ones I care the most for always seem to leave. The ones who said they’d be there forever, forever sure is a shorter time than I had always thought I guess.
Again, I’m sorry for the angst, I’ll try to stop it, I told myself I wouldn’t complain, and I’m trying not to, but when all I want to do is sit and cry and sleep for the rest of the break, I had to get my feelings out somehow.
Starting yesterday I now have this whole week off of school for Thanksgiving break. While I’m not uber excited about being home for a whole week, I am quite glad to be away from classes and work, it was definitely time for a break! I don’t really have many plans for the week, other than writing a paper for my Domestic Violence class, sleeping a lot and hanging out with friends as much as I can! I got back home yesterday then went to church this morning where I got to see some of my friends which of course was lovely! Tomorrow I’m probably just going to write my paper and later this week I’ll be hanging out with my friends for my birthday which is this Saturday. Thursday of course is Thanksgiving which my parents, my sister and I will be spending at my grandparents house a few blocks away from our house. Though I’ve been dreading coming home hopefully this week won’t be too terrible. I mean, today and yesterday evening wasn’t the best with my family but I’m trying to stay strong and I did sorta stand up to my mom last night. I definitely just need to remember that no matter what happens and how much my parents put me down, God is always here for me and has a wonderful plan for my life.
I decided something today. Something big, something quite life changing. My parents cannot run my life anymore. I won’t let them. There’s a good chance I’m coming back to college early from Thanksgiving break, which means I won’t be home on my birthday, my parents are gonna fight it, and they’re gonna hate it but I have to. It’s unhealthy for me to be around them, the way they treat me, the way they talk to me, I’m not a child anymore. I am almost 20 years old and they still try to control my every action. I haven’t pulled away or done anything to stop them before because I’ve been so afraid of being disrespectful to them and therefore disobeying God that I’ve never stood up to myself about this. I’m not going home this summer, whether I get the job at Youthfront Camp that I’m wanting or not, I’m not going back. Not for the entire summer, I can’t. I’ll find a job somewhere and do that. I can’t be in that environment anymore, not for extended periods of time. I’m not sure yet what I’ll do for my month long Christmas break but I can’t be there for all of that either. Obviously I’ll still go home, I’ll be there for Christmas but not for the whole month. I can’t. Not even for my sister. She has friends at home who will be there for her, and now a boyfriend who I know will be there if she needs someone to talk to (as weird as it is that my little sister has a boyfriend, I really respect that kid and know he’s good for her). I love her and would do anything for her but now that she’s out of the house more with High School and friends, she’ll be ok. If she needs me I’ll find a way back home but I can’t put my life on hold because of what my parents are doing. I have to be my own person, I’m almost 20 years old, a sophomore in college who’s paying my own way through, I can’t let them run my life. I will always respect them and love the but I’ve realized now that I can still do that and stand up for myself. Respect from others starts with me respecting myself and I need to get out of there to do that. It scares me to death and will for sure be the hardest thing I’ve ever done but I need to. I have to. I’m going to need a lot of prayer through this but I have to stand up and fight. (Not literally fight… just finally do something about my situation.) I have to have faith in who I am, be my own person and not let others completely run my life. This is something I should’ve learned a long time ago but was to afraid to see the truth. Two of my friends have really helped me see that this is the right thing to do and have really encouraged me to stand up, be myself and take control of my destiny. (That sounded way over-dramatic but it’s how it is). Please, any of you pray for me as I go through this because I am terrified but I can’t keep living this way. Also pray that I’ll find something to do for Christmas break, I can’t go home.
Thanks for listening to me rant again, (Though this time it’s been much less angsty!) I feel much better about myself right now. But also feel terrified.
Skillet’s song Comatose has been my theme song of the day. Especially that first line, is so true, I hate feeling like this! No matter what I do, I can’t get him out of my head, though today it was made clear that he’s completely moved on. I guess I have to just get over it.
Today just wasn’t that great a day in any way, mom was super ticked at me all day (what else is new, eh?) I think I’m getting sick, I’ve had a terrible headache all day and it appears I’ve done something to my right leg… I’m limping now. All I know is I just can’t wait to go back to college. Sure I’ll miss my friends here but I haven’t seen them all that much over break anyways and at college at least I’ll be away from my family and I’ll have stuff to do to distract myself from the whole boy situation. I just hate this so much…
Today has, overall been a fairly uneventful day. Most of the day I just sat around the house and sorta chilled with my family then, about 4, I went to go see Tangled with my best friend, Jill, her boyfriend and some other people. Tangled was so adorable and hilarious! Not to mention, for being a cartoon, the main guy was hot! :P *Cough* Anyways…
It was so good to see Jill, I’ve seen her a few times over break but not for long, I mean, this wasn’t for long either but it was good anyways. :) And I got to give her Christmas present to her! Which was exciting. She has an obsession with unicorns so I gave her a plush one! Boy, you have NO idea how hard it is to find a unicorn… I looked through all of the mall and Wal-mart, you would think one of those places would have a unicorn right? Wrong. No unicorns… well, they had Pillow Pet unicorns but I didn’t have money for one of those unfortunately, but finally I found one. :) Unicorns are wonderful! As Agnes in Despicable Me (one of the BEST animated movies ever) said, “Unicorns I love them, unicorns I love them! Uni uni uni corns I LOVE THEM!” Good song… :)
Random thought of the day, for the first time in forever, I had a really good hair day. Random, yes I know, but I was excited :)
Um… that’s really about it, my Aunt and cousin came over this morning and brought our Christmas presents, that was fun I suppose.. and then Noelle and I ate some pizza for supper while my parents were at my Uncle’s office or house or something doing something random… I’m really not sure what they’re doing, they left while I was at the movie. Anyways, the pizza was great :) And now I’m watching Lost, my new addiction. soooo good! I’m on the last episode of the first season, I love it!
Well, I guess that’s all for now…
After my Spanish final this morning I went back to bed (7:30 finals really wear you out!) then I got up, ate lunch and watched the Sing Off with my dear Allie :) When that was over with I decided I should probably pack up my room since I am leaving for a month tomorrow. When I was done with that, Allie came in our room to watch Napoleon Dynamite. I just don’t understand the fascination with this movie… it’s so retarded… I don’t get it.
Yesterday, I spent most of the day studying (well sort of… theres only so long you can spend studying Spanish…) so when I was done with that, Allie and I decided to take pictures with her webcam. First we took some of Allie, Kendra and me on Allie’s computer then after supper Allie and I took 100 of the two of us on my computer. Hurray for finals week! That was pretty exciting. And of course we had my little penguins, Simon and Phillip in some of the pictures too. And of let’s not forget the fingerstaches! Good day. Then after that, Brianna and I took some pictures together too. Hurray for pictures!
Well, I suppose that’s about it. I’m just so glad to be done!
This past weekend was kinda good, kinda bad, a bit of both really but to both extremes. But I think everything’s good now, the weekend ended well and I’m quite happy again. Hopefully this will work out. I really really want it to and I feel like we can make it work.
My main though right now is how much I hate mornings. And winter. Especially when they’re both together. I had a 7:30am final all the way across campus, I literally felt like my face was going to fall off. It was terrible. Thank goodness for coffee. So cold. And so tired. Sigh. I want to go to bed. But alas, I have another final today. But in good news, I think that the final went well this morning and I’m not at all concerned about my afternoon final. I am quite scared of my Spanish final Thursday but hopefully it’ll be ok. :)
Though it was a cold, early morning, I had a lovely talk on Facebook that made my day :) Funny how certain people can completely change your day around.