Why Do I Always Care More About People Than They Care About Me?

This is what always happens. I always care so much for others and either they don’t seem to care at all or I just care way more for them than they do me. It’s quite sad really and I wish it would stop happening. My parents don’t seem to care, the couple of relationships I’ve had in the past with guys have ended with them basically telling me they never cared at all and in the past few months I’ve come to realize that friends that told me they would be there forever, the friends who were closer than siblings don’t care at all anymore, I’ve been reduced to less important than a hair and nail appointment, from a “best friend” and “sister” who I haven’t seen in 5 years. I wish I knew what I was doing wrong and yes, I know this is another angsty post but the combination of being home and losing friends I was promised forever has made me quite a bit angsty, I promise I’ll try to do better the rest of the week. But I just wish I knew what to change, I love caring about people, making people happy and feel loved and cared for is my favorite thing to do but for once I wish someone cared enough to make me feel that way. Ok, that statement wasn’t entirely fair, I do have wonderful friends that I know are there for me always but I’m tired of finding out that I’m not worth caring about. I’m tired of losing people who mean the world to me. I just want someone to care about me as much as I care about them, to text me randomly and ask how I’m doing or just to say hey. And again, I do have some close friends who do that and I’m so very thankful for them, but some the people who mean the most to me and I’ve known the longest, and the ones I care the most for always seem to leave. The ones who said they’d be there forever, forever sure is a shorter time than I had always thought I guess.
Again, I’m sorry for the angst, I’ll try to stop it, I told myself I wouldn’t complain, and I’m trying not to, but when all I want to do is sit and cry and sleep for the rest of the break, I had to get my feelings out somehow.
Hope

Thanksgiving Break

Starting yesterday I now have this whole week off of school for Thanksgiving break. While I’m not uber excited about being home for a whole week, I am quite glad to be away from classes and work, it was definitely time for a break! I don’t really have many plans for the week, other than writing a paper for my Domestic Violence class, sleeping a lot and hanging out with friends as much as I can! I got back home yesterday then went to church this morning where I got to see some of my friends which of course was lovely! Tomorrow I’m probably just going to write my paper and later this week I’ll be hanging out with my friends for my birthday which is this Saturday. Thursday of course is Thanksgiving which my parents, my sister and I will be spending at my grandparents house a few blocks away from our house. Though I’ve been dreading coming home hopefully this week won’t be too terrible. I mean, today and yesterday evening wasn’t the best with my family but I’m trying to stay strong and I did sorta stand up to my mom last night. I definitely just need to remember that no matter what happens and how much my parents put me down, God is always here for me and has a wonderful plan for my life.

You Can’t Run My Life Anymore

I decided something today. Something big, something quite life changing. My parents cannot run my life anymore. I won’t let them. There’s a good chance I’m coming back to college early from Thanksgiving break, which means I won’t be home on my birthday, my parents are gonna fight it, and they’re gonna hate it but I have to. It’s unhealthy for me to be around them, the way they treat me, the way they talk to me, I’m not a child anymore. I am almost 20 years old and they still try to control my every action. I haven’t pulled away or done anything to stop them before because I’ve been so afraid of being disrespectful to them and therefore disobeying God that I’ve never stood up to myself about this. I’m not going home this summer, whether I get the job at Youthfront Camp that I’m wanting or not, I’m not going back. Not for the entire summer, I can’t. I’ll find a job somewhere and do that. I can’t be in that environment anymore, not for extended periods of time. I’m not sure yet what I’ll do for my month long Christmas break but I can’t be there for all of that either. Obviously I’ll still go home, I’ll be there for Christmas but not for the whole month. I can’t. Not even for my sister. She has friends at home who will be there for her, and now a boyfriend who I know will be there if she needs someone to talk to (as weird as it is that my little sister has a boyfriend, I really respect that kid and know he’s good for her). I love her and would do anything for her but now that she’s out of the house more with High School and friends, she’ll be ok. If she needs me I’ll find a way back home but I can’t put my life on hold because of what my parents are doing. I have to be my own person, I’m almost 20 years old, a sophomore in college who’s paying my own way through, I can’t let them run my life. I will always respect them and love the but I’ve realized now that I can still do that and stand up for myself. Respect from others starts with me respecting myself and I need to get out of there to do that. It scares me to death and will for sure be the hardest thing I’ve ever done but I need to. I have to. I’m going to need a lot of prayer through this but I have to stand up and fight. (Not literally fight… just finally do something about my situation.) I have to have faith in who I am, be my own person and not let others completely run my life. This is something I should’ve learned a long time ago but was to afraid to see the truth. Two of my friends have really helped me see that this is the right thing to do and have really encouraged me to stand up, be myself and take control of my destiny. (That sounded way over-dramatic but it’s how it is). Please, any of you pray for me as I go through this because I am terrified but I can’t keep living this way. Also pray that I’ll find something to do for Christmas break, I can’t go home.
Thanks for listening to me rant again, (Though this time it’s been much less angsty!) I feel much better about myself right now. But also feel terrified.
Hope ♥

I hate feeling like this, I’m so tired of trying to fight this. – Skillet

Skillet’s song Comatose has been my theme song of the day. Especially that first line, is so true, I hate feeling like this! No matter what I do, I can’t get him out of my head, though today it was made clear that he’s completely moved on. I guess I have to just get over it.

Today just wasn’t that great a day in any way, mom was super ticked at me all day (what else is new, eh?) I think I’m getting sick, I’ve had a terrible headache all day and it appears I’ve done something to my right leg… I’m limping now. All I know is I just can’t wait to go back to college. Sure I’ll miss my friends here but I haven’t seen them all that much over break anyways and at college at least I’ll be away from my family and I’ll have stuff to do to distract myself from the whole boy situation. I just hate this so much…

Hope

“Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.”

Today has, overall been a fairly uneventful day. Most of the day I just sat around the house and sorta chilled with my family then, about 4, I went to go see Tangled with my best friend, Jill, her boyfriend and some other people. Tangled was so adorable and hilarious! Not to mention, for being a cartoon, the main guy was hot! :P *Cough* Anyways…

It was so good to see Jill, I’ve seen her a few times over break but not for long, I mean, this wasn’t for long either but it was good anyways. :) And I got to give her Christmas present to her! Which was exciting. She has an obsession with unicorns so I gave her a plush one! Boy, you have NO idea how hard it is to find a unicorn… I looked through all of the mall and Wal-mart, you would think one of those places would have a unicorn right? Wrong. No unicorns… well, they had Pillow Pet unicorns but I didn’t have money for one of those unfortunately, but finally I found one. :) Unicorns are wonderful! As Agnes in Despicable Me (one of the BEST animated movies ever) said, “Unicorns I love them, unicorns I love them! Uni uni uni corns I LOVE THEM!” Good song… :)

Random thought of the day, for the first time in forever, I had a really good hair day. Random, yes I know, but I was excited :)

Um… that’s really about it, my Aunt and cousin came over this morning and brought our Christmas presents, that was fun I suppose.. and then Noelle and I ate some pizza for supper while my parents were at my Uncle’s office or house or something doing something random… I’m really not sure what they’re doing, they left while I was at the movie. Anyways, the pizza was great :) And now I’m watching Lost, my new addiction. soooo good! I’m on the last episode of the first season, I love it!

Well, I guess that’s all for now…

Hope ♥

Hey! Good hair day!

Napoleon Dynamite is really retarded…

I’m finally done! No more finals and I can go home tomorrow!! Soooo excited! :) It took long enough. I cannot wait to see everyone! :)

After my Spanish final this morning I went back to bed (7:30 finals really wear you out!) then I got up, ate lunch and watched the Sing Off with my dear Allie :) When that was over with I decided I should probably pack up my room since I am leaving for a month tomorrow. When I was done with that, Allie came in our room to watch Napoleon Dynamite. I just don’t understand the fascination with this movie… it’s so retarded… I don’t get it.

Yesterday, I spent most of the day studying (well sort of… theres only so long you can spend studying Spanish…) so when I was done with that, Allie and I decided to take pictures with her webcam. First we took some of Allie, Kendra and me on Allie’s computer then after supper Allie and I took 100 of the two of us on my computer. Hurray for finals week! That was pretty exciting. And of course we had my little penguins, Simon and Phillip in some of the pictures too. And of let’s not forget the fingerstaches! Good day. Then after that, Brianna and I took some pictures together too. Hurray for pictures!

Well, I suppose that’s about it. I’m just so glad to be done!

Hope ♥

Why do mornings come so early?

This past weekend was kinda good, kinda bad, a bit of both really but to both extremes. But I think everything’s good now, the weekend ended well and I’m quite happy again. Hopefully this will work out. I really really want it to and I feel like we can make it work.

My main though right now is how much I hate mornings. And winter. Especially when they’re both together. I had a 7:30am final all the way across campus, I literally felt like my face was going to fall off. It was terrible. Thank goodness for coffee. So cold. And so tired. Sigh. I want to go to bed. But alas, I have another final today. But in good news, I think that the final went well this morning and I’m not at all concerned about my afternoon final. I am quite scared of my Spanish final Thursday but hopefully it’ll be ok. :)

Though it was a cold, early morning, I had a lovely talk on Facebook that made my day :) Funny how certain people can completely change your day around.

Hope

God’s love is a song

This morning I would normally be at church, however, I didn’t hear from my ride until it was to late for me to get ready. So instead, I read my Bible a bit and watched a video on YouTube by Rob Bell, who is an incredible Christian speaker and has this really good series called Nooma. The one I watched this morning was called “Rhythm.” This particular video really spoke to me a lot this morning, it talked a bit about how most people don’t feel like God is actively involved with our lives, they feel like He created us then just sort of stepped back to watch. This of course is not true, as I can personally think of many places of my life where it’s obvious that God has had a huge hand in the events. But it’s true that some people unfortunately feel that way. The truth is, God is very involved in all of our lives but He’s unlike anything in this world that He is just so beyond anything our minds could ever possibly comprehend here on earth. Rob Bell pointed out in this video that God is like a beautiful song, a song that can move each and every one of us. This song is prevalent in all of our lives and people have heard it for thousands of years and have found it captivating. However, not all of us are in tune with this song, even though it’s playing in all of our hearts, some people never know it’s there. Jesus came to earth two thousand years ago to show us all how to live in the song. He came to show us reality, the way things are truthfully and how we’re to live. In His truth telling, in His love, His compassion, that is everything that God is. Jesus came so we could see how God is active in our lives and to comprehend Him just a little bit. Jesus came so we could all be in tune with God’s marvelous song. Whenever we’re selfish, or greedy or sinful in any way, we’re not in tune with this song, but when people show pure love, like God’s love, they are in tune. Whenever we live how Jesus lived and how He wants us to live, we make it so people around us can see the song in us and relate to it, and possibly learn how to play it themselves.

While listening to this video, I was also reminded of one of my favorite songs from the band Switchfoot, “Your Love is a Song”, which is basically talking about exactly what it sounds like. How God’s love is like a song. Some of the lyrics go,

“Ooh, your love is a symphony
All around me, running through me
Ooh, your love is a melody
Underneath me, running to me”

I feel like that is so true as well. As Christians, we need to live in Christ and show others this song that we need to live in.

Well, those are my thoughts on this subject. In other news about my life, finals week is this next week so I’m not looking forward to that so much, but I’m super excited to go home. And due to the events of last night, I’m left smiling even though it’s super cold outside and I’m still slightly sick. I’m pretty sure nothing can happen to wipe this smile off my face. :) Which makes me happy.

Oh, also, I got a new hat at Target that I love deeply!

 

 

 

 

 

 

I guess that’s really all for now, I should go study. If you want to watch the video that I’ve been talking about, the link is:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQCj3UT3YH0 and the link to the Switchfoot song is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uH6tXZxFaWA. I recommend both videos to anyone :)

I’ll write soon!

Hope ♥

I’m afraid I’m getting sick… :/

So this week so far hasn’t been all that bad work wise. I know I need to start studying for my finals soon though, I have 2 on Monday which is kinda sad but it’ll be good to get them over with. Speech and Sociology, hopefully they won’t be too terrible, we’re reviewing in both classes before the final so that’s always helpful! I gave my final speech today so that was exciting. It was on Lord of the Rings of course since I could talk about that subject forever. I think it went pretty well, I hope!

I just have 4 more classes and I’m done with class for the semester! That’s kind of exciting. :) Almost done with my first semester of college!

I’m just so ready for break! Not only do I not want to do anything but currently I have a headache and I’m losing my voice and my throats all scratchy. I don’t want to get sick! I’m hoping it’s just allergies but I’m not sure. I just need a break. And to see all my friends. I miss everyone so much! :(

Well, I guess that’s it for now, I hope you’re all doing well as it gets closer to break!

♥ Hope

Yo odio Español.

Well, this week I don’t have to terribly much to do, for which I’m very thankful, but I did have an interview with my spanish teacher this afternoon where I had to talk to her for 10 minutes. I’m just not sure how that went… :/ I’m a little nervous to find out my grade but hopefully I did ok… Now all I have to do for the week is write a speech, which is about Lord of the Rings, a topic I could talk for hours about with absolutely no notes so I don’t think that will be a problem. :) Then I need to start studying for finals! :) Hopefully those will go well, then, I’m all done with my first semester of college! :) Good deal!

I. Cannot. Wait. For. Break. Sigh. Two weeks seems so far away! But hopefully it’ll somehow go quickly!

I just really want break to get here now!

Well, I suppose that’s really all I have to say.. Oh, our dorm is doing a Secret Santa thing, I’m pretty excited about that! I’ve never done Secret Santa before. It makes me think of the Office. Best episode ever – Yankee Swap. :) “YAAAANKEE SWAP! That’s what makes it fun :) Oh Michael Scott. :)

Well,  I think that really is it now!

Hope ♥

Oh Sociology, how I won’t miss you!

So today in Sociology, our professor was talking about about love, dating and marriage. That was kinda strange, then it just got awkward because she then started talking about sex and how women are now more expected to “put out”. Ok, thanks for telling us… and making us all feel extremely awkward. But then it got hilarious because she was telling about all these different online dating sites, now in addition to places such as “match.com” and “e-harmony” theres now more, specific sites, such as nerdsatheart.com (I bet I would find a lot of matches there!, farmersonly.com, gothicmatch.com, lovebitten.com (Yep, you guessed it, for Vampire Lovers, Stephanie Meyer, what have you done to us?!) Pounced.com (a site for people dressed as animals) and my personal favorite, STDmatch.net. Yeah… Ok… I think I’ll stick with dating the old fashioned way. Well, try to anyways, someday I’ll find a boyfriend, I hope.. :) Anyways, NOT going on any of THOSE sites! They made me giggle..

After Sociology, I went to lunch with some of the girls on my floor, that was fun as always, always have some entertaining conversations with them. :)

Then, before Spanish, Allie and I were wanting to watch a Christmas movie! So we started watching Elf! I love that movie :) and we found out that Amazon.com has free songs right now! The entire VeggieTales Christmas album is on there! AND on Target’s website they have some random free Christmas songs, including one by BISHOP ALLEN! I love Bishop Allen :) So good!

It’s been a good day! Now I just have to go to Spanish, but then just one more class til the weekend!

Finally! 2 more weeks, cannot wait til Christmas break!

♥ Hope Kristen

Relief!

Relief at last! My sociology project is done, my Spanish paper is done and in an hour and a half, I will have finally given my Spanish presentation. Phew. Thought this day would never come! It certainly took long enough.  Now all I have to do before next week is finish my online Spanish assignment. This is such a relief, I can see the end of the semester, it’s finally in sight. Like a light at the end of a very dark tunnel.

Now, tonight I can just sit back with my floor mates, watch Beauty and the Beast and drink some coffee. Relaxing – What a concept!

When this day is over it will definitely be a blessing!

Headed to Spanish now, wish me luck!

Hope ♥

I hate group projects.

So this week I have not only one but TWO group projects due. Oh, how I hate group projects, it’s so hard to get everyone together and it’s inevitable that at least one person in your group will not want to do any work at all meaning more work for you. I have my Spanish presentation tomorrow that we’ve been working on for MONTHS. I cannot wait to have that over with! The girl in my group is great but the guy has done next to nothing. Sigh. My other project is for Sociology and that’s a 10 page paper due on Thursday. We haven’t started the paper part of this project yet, making me a little nervous about the whole thing. I really need a good grade on that! I’m quite scared about this! Ok, Hope. Don’t panic, you can and WILL get through this week. Just these two projects, Spanish essay, Spanish online assignments. Then, the week will be over and all you have to do for next week is write a speech. That’s not to bad. I hope…

Onto other topics, (as I’m sure that one was boring you all to tears, or making you panic thinking of all that you have to do before the end of semester as well) it’s still really cold outside. Which to me is quite depressing though at the same time excites me because it means its that much closer to Christmas! And break! Oh dear, holidays, how I love you so! Christmas is my absolute favorite time of year even though I hate the cold oh so much. It’s just such a happy time of joy and love and remembering what the season is truly about. Plus, this year I’m super excited for break to see all my dear friends and loved ones :)

Well, I must be getting busy….

Adios amigos!

Hope ♥

One more month And all I need is a sign from you that you think of me… Cause all I do Is think of you

I just can’t wait til Christmas break. Longest 3 weeks of my life. I cannot wait. I just want this to happen… I hope it does… :)

This will be a long wait indeed…

I’m still wearing the smile you gave me… :)

So last night was legitimately one of the best nights of my life. It was my birthday party and I had a fantastic time! I love all of my friends, it had been forever since I hung out with most of them. I just love them a lot. I’m quite sad that my break is over but the last two days were wonderful. I didn’t do a whole lot on my actual birthday but yesterday for my party I had a bunch of good friends over, sorta watched Finding Nemo and mostly talked to my dear friends Daniel, Tat and Brandon. It was wonderful. :)

Then today at church I got to see a lot of people too so I could say goodbye, so as much as I didn’t want to leave, at least I got to see everyone this time. :)

If any of you are reading this, I love you all and I’m so blessed to have you in my life.

♥

Hope