I want to write things that are beautiful.
Things that inspire and encourage those around.
I want to make up worlds and languages that will be loved like the worlds I have grown up loving.
I want to have the skill and imagination of Lewis, Tolkien and Rowling.
I want to write things that make people think.
To have them ponder my words for days on end.
I want to write down the adventures I undergo and adventures I can never have.
I want to write things that are as beautiful as the things I read.
It’s a Saturday night, 10 pm. I’m 21 years old. My 16-year-old sister is on a date with her boyfriend. Facebook is telling me two of my friends just got engaged and another couple just got married. My iTunes sings constantly of love (Because apparently people can’t talk about anything else?!) I’m sitting on my bed, in sweats, torturing myself with my favorite book that’s full of feels (The Fault In Our Stars – John Green, dang it! Why do I continuously re-read your books and let you give me so many gosh-dang feels?!?!) and wishing I had an adventure.
It’s not even that I’m so much sad right now, really, I’m doing a lot better (especially compared to earlier in the week). My situation hasn’t improved at all (In fact it might be a little worse) but somehow my attitude has but now I re-watched the Hobbit and I’m reading about people living their lives and doing things and I’m sitting here doing nothing (Not that reading is nothing, it’s my favorite but when that’s all I have to do, I want more) and I just want to go somewhere, do something new and exciting. Unfortunately I have no means of doing that or I would just get up and leave, drive somewhere even. Do something. Even nights at school where we’re not doing something exciting, I still have people to be with and being with people is always worth it and exciting and meaningful because people are the most meaningful thing there is, really, and I miss that.
I hadn’t realized before college just how much of a people person I am but I need that, that presence of other people, people to talk to, to laugh with, to just be with. I want that right now. But no, currently I’m car-less transportation-less and 98% of my friends live at least 4 hours away from me.
I feel like Belle, at the beginning of Beauty and the Beast, I want adventure in the great wide somewhere, I want it more than I can bear (That’s one reason really that I’ve always connected with Belle and why she’s always been my favorite princess, she didn’t sit around and do nothing). I want that, I want to do something, much like Augustus Waters in TFIOS, I fear oblivion. I don’t want to be forgotten, I want to be known, I want to be helpful and remembered because I did something. Not because I spent all 5 weeks of my Christmas break doing nothing, alone.
Also, quite selfishly, I want to be loved. Like Augustus loved Hazel. I know, I know it won’t happen, I know it’s not my destiny, at least for now, but I want someone to look at me like I’m beautiful, to think about me, to care about me. I want someone to look at me and think I’m worth something. I want a boy who would say, “It would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you.”
Ironically, despite my name, I’m afraid I’m quite hopeless really.
I know I’ve written a lot about fictional characters, and even several times recently but due to events that occurred yesterday, it’s a topic I have to bring back up.
Sunday evening, I was reading the new Ted Dekker book, “Forbidden” and enjoying it immensely as I do with all his books when all of a sudden, one of the characters, my favorite character died! Obviously, since we all know how attached to fictional characters I can be, I was heartbroken. I set down the book and in my anger and sadness about this character death, I was unable to pick it up for the rest of the day to continue. Yesterday at work, I finally picked it back up but first I was explaining my emotional distress to my coworkers when one of them said, “That’s why you don’t ever like fictional characters”. This statement absolutely blew me away, I mean sure, yeah, don’t get as emotionally attached as I am, that makes sense, that’s normal, but don’t even like them? What are you doing with your life if you don’t connect to fictional characters on any level or even like them? Yes, they may be fictional but you can learn so much about yourself through characters and in my opinion life is so much better with love and feelings for them.
I honestly can’t imagine living without feelings for fictional characters but since I am so attached to them, maybe that’s just me and it’s normal not to connect. I don’t think so though, I mean, if it were normal, wouldn’t there be significantly less fictional characters in the world? Anyways, the news that not everyone gets enjoyment out of fictional characters was heartbreaking to me.
What do you all think? Am I unusual or is my coworker?
Thanks for reading!
This summer I’m finally getting back into a habit that I sorely miss during the school year, reading. I’ve often talked here about how reading gives me magical, miraculous feelings that no other activity has ever given me. There are a lot of other activities that I enjoy, writing, watching movies/tv, hanging out with friends, listening to music and other things but despite the joy I get out of all of those, nothing feels like true magic like reading does. Yeah, you can enter fictional worlds through TV and movies but with reading, you actually feel like you’re in the worlds, as one of the characters even, experiencing every emotion and adventure that they feel. With books you meet new characters, you become a new person with each new story you read and you can learn an endless about from it. In the past week, I’ve had the pleasure of reading 4 novels and I’m well on my way to being done with another, with 15 more on reserve at the library. I’m quite excited to get back into the world of reading this summer because due to classes, work and time with friends during school, I hardly ever get the chance and I miss it.
“You know what’s sad about reading books? It’s that you fall in love with the characters. They grow on you. And as you read, you start to feel what they feel – all of them – you become them. And when you’re done, you’re never the same. Sure you’re still you, you look the same, talk in the same manner, but something in you has changed. Something in the way you think, the way you choose, sometimes, even the things you say may differ. But it all comes down to the state you go to after a nice novel. The after-feeling. It’s amazing, but somehow, you feel left alone by that world you were once in. It’s overwhelming. But it makes you sad. Cause for once you were this, this otherworldly being in… Neverwhere, and then you suddenly have to say goodbye after a few weeks from when you read the last page. When you’ve recovered from that state it’s just… quite sad.” ~ Suzanne Collins (Author of the Hunger Games)
I found the above quote from Suzanne Collins last night and was amazed and overwhelmed with emotion, this quote has finally put into words all the feelings I’ve had about reading and about fictional characters that I have had for years. Since the first book I fell in love with. Each and every character I’ve loved, every book world I’ve entered has changed me a little bit, I’ve learned more, I’ve felt more, I’ve loved more from each book I’ve read. And though it can be heartbreaking to finish a story like that, to leave those beloved characters, it’s brilliant, it truly is magical. And the best part? You can re-enter those worlds any time you choose.
So I’ve mentioned it slightly on here but haven’t been completely honest and open about it because I didn’t want to sound angsty but the truth it, this summer, being alone and living away from almost all my friends has been really hard on me. I really don’t know many people up here and because of that I’ve really been struggling with loneliness and being depressed about it. Finally last Tuesday-ish I sat down and had a discussion with God about it, I was honest and open and told Him (Though of course he already knew) how I was feeling and how even though I know He is more than enough for me, I was still struggling with these feelings. I know without a doubt I’m where God wants me for the summer but it’s not entirely where I would prefer being, especially since most of my friends are elsewhere. I told Him all this and asked Him to show me more people to meet and hang out with. Around that time after I finished praying was when I got the text message inviting me to the Bible study picnic I went to on Wednesday that I wrote about. Also as I wrote about, Wednesday was when I really clicked with one of the girls and have since hung out with her like 3 times which has been absolutely brilliant. Things were definitely starting to look up and it was only because of God, clearly but I still wasn’t completely happy. Thursday I had fun too, I hung out with my new friend Megan, watched Burn Notice and Suits with her, got trapped in her apartment due to my only transportation being a bike and a large lightning/thunder-storm coming out of nowhere and then Friday I went grocery shopping and went to the library to pick up some books I had been looking forward to reading.
Ok, so one thing I need to insert here is that I love books. They are literally my favorite thing, reading makes me happier than anything else and if I could just read new books the rest of my life I’d be content. That being said, I hadn’t been in this public library before and upon walking in, I instantly fell in love. My little small town library back home is nothing compared to this! I mean, heck, the DVD section here is the size of our whole library! It was brilliant! So I got a few books I’d been wanting to read and walked around scouring the place for more. When I was looking, I stumbled upon some books I had forgotten about but had been wanting to read for a long time. They’re called the Katie Wheldon series, by Robin Jones Gunn. They’re books about a college student named Katie who is a Christian and is basically just going along through college trying to trust God and stuff but back to that in a second.
These books are based off of character originally seen in the Christy Miller books by the same author. The Christy Miller books are books I have loved for about 7 years now and I would literally suggest these books to anyone, they’re a fantastic, witty and entertaining read and they have helped me grow so much in my faith. Needless to say, I was overjoyed to find the books about Katie because though I had read everything else written about these characters (The Christy Miller series, the Sierra Jensen series and Christy and Todd: The College Years). Once I got back to my apartment I immediately started reading them and was astounded by how Katie and I have been dealing with the same things and same insecurities, loneliness and doubts. It was very encouraging to read about her struggles with these things and seeing how God was working in her life. After reading these all day and coming across a particularly encouraging passage I set down the book and got on my knees immediately to pray.
I just apologized to God for being so angsty and sad and lonely. I apologized for not trusting Him enough, for letting my human-ness get in the way and for trying to control things on my own instead of trusting Him. I surrendered all my doubts, insecurities, fears and loneliness to Him and asked Him to take them away and just let me rely on Him completely and trust that His plans and timing are the best. Also, as insignificant as this might seem, I asked him for patience on hearing from a friend that I deeply miss and hadn’t heard from in a while due to a summer working away from easy communication. It might not seem like much but to me it really has been a big deal, me missing said friend a lot and wanting to hear from them but when I was praying I gave that to God to, I told Him again that I know His timing is perfect and to not let me worry about that and I’d hear from them when God wanted me to. Encouraged and refreshed I went to bed.
When I woke up in the morning, almost immediately I got a text from that friend I had prayed about. Incredible right? Something that seems so insignificant but God completely took care of it for me! The rest of the day was spent hanging out with some friends who are still here for the summer and with my new friend Megan!
It was completely incredible, I mean, I know God is awesome but I can’t even begin to describe how amazing, and incredible and just indescribable He is. I say I trust Him, and I do, but I need to set time aside more often to just surrender everything to Him because He will always take care of me and His plan is always better than what I have in mind. God is crazy awesome and He has proved Himself over and over again.
Today is the day we celebrate Wizard Independence Day, The Last Battle of Hogwarts, the day day that Harry killed Lord Voldemort. Let us never forget May 2, 1998 and let us always remember those who died for that cause, Fred Weasley, Severus Snape, Remus Lupin, Nymphadora Tonks and Colin Creevey.
Today is also sadly the first anniversary of this day that we don’t have any new Harry Potter to look forward to, no new book, no new movie, no new material. Yes, Harry Potter will live on in our hearts forever and as J.K. Rowling said, Hogwarts will always be here to welcome us home but that excited anxiety of waiting for new material won’t be here again. So that is something else I have been thinking about on this anniversary, sad yes, but at least we have our memories. And I’m thankful to be part of a fandom that is just as strong today without new material as it was during the prime of the new books and movies. Our fandom is the best.
Obviously the above statement is pretty much the biggest understatement there is but really, God is so cool. Last night Jared and I started talking like we often do and we talked a bit about our struggles and fears and then about how awesome God is and then we started listening to amazing worship music and we literally just layed there, on the floor at the end of the hallway praising God until 3 in the morning. It was absolutely incredible, there is nothing better in this world than praising God fully, with your whole body and mind, completely consumed by His glory and beauty. Then this morning, instead of going to church like I do every week, I decided it would be a better use of my time to wake up at almost the same time and go outside by myself and listen to more worship music, read my Bible and just pray. Being outside and reading my Bible is literally my favorite thing ever, I never feel as close to God as when I’m worshiping Him outside. It’s brilliant and I love it.
Needless to say, I’m just completely in love with God right now and I never want to lose this feeling, I’ve been doing a lot better recently of just keeping Him foremost in my mind and focusing on loving Him.
Our God is amazing.
My God’s not dead, He’s surely alive. He’s living on the inside, roaring like a lion. ~ God’s Not Dead (Like a Lion) ~ Newsboys
You have called us loved
And you have called us wanted
One time we were bruised
We were bankrupt and haunted
~ Seen a Darkness – John Mark McMillan
“Unless I believe in God, I can’t believe in thought; so I can never use thought to disbelieve in God.” ~ C.S. Lewis