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I Fear Oblivion

It’s a Saturday night, 10 pm. I’m 21 years old. My 16-year-old sister is on a date with her boyfriend. Facebook is telling me two of my friends just got engaged and another couple just got married. My iTunes sings constantly of love (Because apparently people can’t talk about anything else?!) I’m sitting on my bed, in sweats, torturing myself with my favorite book that’s full of feels (The Fault In Our Stars – John Green, dang it! Why do I continuously re-read your books and let you give me so many gosh-dang feels?!?!) and wishing I had an adventure.

It’s not even that I’m so much sad right now, really, I’m doing a lot better (especially compared to earlier in the week). My situation hasn’t improved at all (In fact it might be a little worse) but somehow my attitude has but now I re-watched the Hobbit and I’m reading about people living their lives and doing things and I’m sitting here doing nothing (Not that reading is nothing, it’s my favorite but when that’s all I have to do, I want more) and I just want to go somewhere, do something new and exciting. Unfortunately I have no means of doing that or I would just get up and leave, drive somewhere even. Do something. Even nights at school where we’re not doing something exciting, I still have people to be with and being with people is always worth it and exciting and meaningful because people are the most meaningful thing there is, really, and I miss that.

I hadn’t realized before college just how much of a people person I am but I need that, that presence of other people, people to talk to, to laugh with, to just be with. I want that right now. But no, currently I’m car-less  transportation-less and  98% of my friends live at least 4 hours away from me.

I feel like Belle, at the beginning of Beauty and the Beast, I want adventure in the great wide somewhere, I want it more than I can bear (That’s one reason really that I’ve always connected with Belle and why she’s always been my favorite princess, she didn’t sit around and do nothing). I want that, I want to do something, much like Augustus Waters in TFIOS, I fear oblivion. I don’t want to be forgotten, I want to be known, I want to be helpful and remembered because I did something. Not because I spent all 5 weeks of my Christmas break doing nothing, alone.

Also, quite selfishly, I want to be loved. Like Augustus loved Hazel. I know, I know it won’t happen, I know it’s not my destiny, at least for now, but I want someone to look at me like I’m beautiful, to think about me, to care about me. I want someone to look at me and think I’m worth something. I want a boy who would say, “It would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you.”

Ironically, despite my name, I’m afraid I’m quite hopeless really.



Esther Day 2012

*Edit: This was supposed to post on Esther Day which was Friday, August 3, however for some reason it did not, hence the posting now making this my 3rd post for the day. Oops.*

“Esther Day is the day where we think ‘who do i love who i have trouble saying I love you to’. Not some romantic interest, that’s just using Esther Day as an excuse to tell someone you love them, that you already want to tell them… no. I mean family, or platonic friends, which for me is even harder than family.” – John Green

Today, August 3 is Esther Day. A day that Nerdfighters around the world celebrate the birthday of Esther Earl, a YouTuber and incredible Nerdfighter who was doing more than her part to decrease world suck. Unfortunately, a few weeks after Esther’s 16th birthday, she lost her battle with cancer but not before inspiring many people around the world with her endless optimism and hope. Though I didn’t know who she was until after she died, she has continued to inspire me, seeing all she went through yet how she was always hopeful and cheerful regardless.
Before she died, John and Hank Green, the founders of Nerdfighteria and the Vlogbrothers from YouTube told her about their plans to celebrate Esther Day on her birthday to honor her and her incredible work and they asked her to decide how it should be celebrated. She thought for a while and decided it should be a day to show love to everyone. Go out of your way to tell people how you feel, many times we just assume people know we love them so we never say it, and sometimes for some reason it is hard to get those words out but we have to let them know.
That’s what Esther Day is about, telling people we love that we love them, letting people know how much they mean. I think that’s a brilliant idea and something we should all do more often, let people know just how loved they are.

Doing my Best to Decrease World Suck

So, as you all know I’ve been kind of angsty over the summer. I’m not proud of it and I really wish I hadn’t been so sad and had enjoyed summer more. Whatever, that’s passed there is absolutely nothing I can do about that except make sure not to be so angsty in the future.
Anyways, I realized a few weeks ago that absolutely nothing can come from me being sad, it’s not helping anyone, if anything it’s hurting me I’ve been so blessed in life, sure there have been problems but everyone has them, I really have no reason to complain right?
So anyways, as a Nerdfighter where my job is to decrease world suck and a Christian, where my job is to focus on God completely and always do His will in my life, I’ve decided this: No more complaining about everything, sure, there will be days I need to vent but not all the time. I’m going to be optimistic, I’m going to spread cheer and joy (I sound like a Christmas elf now…) and I’m going to be hopeful and just enjoy things more.
So yep. I’m going to do my part to decrease world suck from now on!
Hope ♥

Being a Nerdfighter is an amazing experience.

I know I’ve written several times on here about Nerdfighteria and how incredibly awesome John and Hank Green are but it’s been a while and because I recently joined the Facebook group for adult Nerdfighters, I decided I should write again about how much a blessing it is!

Ok, so for any of you who are new and have no clue what I’m talking about, check out this post I’ve previously written about the wonderful world of Nerdfighteria – and/or check out all of the Vlogbrothers’ wonderful YouTube videos!

Ok, so first thing I want to say, John and Hank have inspired me so much, all of their videos are incredible and a lot of them are super inspiring and both of them have really encouraged me (And countless others!) to really be the best me that I can be. To get out and do things, to love things without shame and to be me, the nerdy me that I am and be proud of that!

Second, Nerdfighteria is pretty much the coolest community ever to be a part of! They’re all so welcoming and friendly and the best thing is, all of us seem to have a ton in common! It’s absolutely brilliant and I feel completely blessed to be a part of it. After all, I’ve been a proud nerd for years but have often felt like I was alone in my nerdom, since becoming a Nerdfighter last summer I’ve made some friends and I’ve grown closer to others.

If you love nerdy things, and aren’t yet a Nerdfighter, I definitely say check it out, and welcome to Nerdfighteria!

Hope ♥

The Fault In Our Stars

Tomorrow, January 10, 2011, John Green’s new book “The Fault in Our Stars” is (finally) being released!
Being the Nerdfighter that I am (I’ll explain that in a moment) I’m quite excited and pre-ordered a copy a few weeks back. The video that John made about the book, (since not only is he an awesome author but he’s one of the coolest video bloggers of all time!) is here:
So yeah, not only do I get an awesome book tomorrow but it will be signed by John Green!
Now, what is a Nerdfighter you might be wondering? This video will explain it better than I can but basically, John and Hank Green started Nerdfighteria which is to be awesome and decrease world suck. The Green brothers are Vloggers on YouTube that post videos every Monday, Wednesday and Friday that are amazing. Being a Nerdfighter is more than just a name for ourselves, Nerdfighteria is truly a wonderful community that is very caring and loving. Occasionally there are Nerdfighter gatherings around the country and someday I really hope I can attend one.I suggest you all check out some of their videos, you won’t be disappointed!
Hope ♥