Tomorrow after class, I have my first day of my internship which is quite exciting! I’m so close to reaching my dream I can taste it. :)
After that, Sonjay and I are driving to Wichita to help our friend Michael and his mom with a fundraiser on Saturday, because we’re not needed til Saturday, he’s dropping me off at my house Friday evening and he’ll be staying with Becca. Because my house sucks and because he’s the best in the world, Blake is being amazing and coming down with us and staying at my house with me. This means he’ll be meeting my parents and my sister. My sister will love him because they’re both awesome people but I’m quite nervous as to how my parents (especially my mom) will be.. After all, they’re not exactly the nicest people. Yet even through this, Blake is still willing to come down, just to make sure I’m ok. I didn’t know it was possible that I would ever find someone who cared enough about me to brave my family.. This will help a lot.
Also, I SHOULD be getting my car this weekend when I’m home. I’m rather nervous about that situation because I talked to my parents about it weeks ago and they were supposed to just check into a used one (I sent a list over 15 cars that were all at dealers and under $5,000) that would work. I told them it didn’t matter what kind I just needed on that works. Three weeks later and two days before I’m coming to pick it up, they still haven’t gotten one. Dad claims it’s still possible but I’m getting really nervous.. as I really really need this now. Before now really.
I knew I couldn’t trust my parents with this.. but I had no other choice.. :/
Then Saturday morning we will all (Me, Blake and Sonjay) got to Michael’s house and help with some sort of fundraiser. I love Michael’s family and it’s been a while since seeing them so that part of the weekend will be lovely.
This should be…interesting.
Things I dislike:
- The cold
- Large social settings
- Calling people
Things I love:
- Watching TV
- Being with the people I care about
- Rain and thunder
Things I am:
- Jesus Freak
- Lover of People
Things I need to remember:
- God loves me
- My friends love me
- I am worth love
- I am not terrible
- I have talents
- I can do things
I’m so done with school. We’re 4 days in and I’m already super stressed and just want to be done and have a billion things to read. NONE OF THIS EVEN MATTERS TO ME AT ALL.
I’m paying thousands of dollars out of pocket and a hundred dollars for books and supplies and I’m not even learning anything useful and I just feel like I’m wasting money and time.
And I’m going home this weekend and I feel literally sick to my stomach about it I hate going home and I don’t know why I agreed to do this. And now I guess my grandma is in the hospital so it’ll be even worse because I’ll just be at the hospital the whole time.
And apparently no one in my family even cares because I’ve been a senior for 4 days now and it hasn’t even been mentioned and I know they don’t actually care about me but they could at least try if they’re going to pull the sob story about how much I don’t care about them and act like they love me so much.
I’m just tired.. Tired of doing stuff. College is exhausting.
And so is missing people… I miss Blake so much it hurts. Skype doesn’t help, texting doesn’t help, I want to be back in his arms. I want to stop feeling this pain and just be with him and be happy again.
Sorry for the recent more sappy posts I have just needed to write what’s on my mind and only had here to do so.
As you have, I assume, noticed I have fallen in love since I last gave you any real update, its amazing.
In other news, and the reason I haven’t posted much this summer is I have actually been having a good, fun summer hanging out with friends. Its been lovely.
Also, I’ll be starting my senior year in a week which is odd, honestly, I’ll be a college graduate in May.
So yeah, that’s not a very good update for now but that’s basically what’s happening.
Talk to you all later.
I’ve been worried about the future for.. a long time. I don’t like change, I don’t like when all of the plans are not completely up to me and I can’t fully control everything that’s happening.
That being said, graduating and becoming a real adult and everything is a terrifying prospect and one that when questioned about, I usually try and avoid answering and brush it off because I don’t like to think about it.
Obviously, since I’m graduating in less than a year, I have checked into some things, at the beginning of the summer I had looked into an internship with the local police department, I’d sent in all my information, had my advisor send a letter of recommendation and then didn’t hear back for two months. I sorta gave up then, kind of dejected but used to the rejection but also worried about what is going to happen in May. I want to be an officer here and without that internship, it probably won’t happen and though I could probably find a law enforcement job elsewhere with little difficulty, this town is where my friends are and where my boyfriend will be back next year and honestly, I love this town, I’m not quite ready to leave it I don’t think.
Yesterday, I finally got an email back from the HR head who is in charge of internships explaining she had been unavoidably out of the office and apologizing and saying if I was still interested, I could set up an interview. I called immediately and she was unavailable but I received a call back from her today and have an interview set up on Friday at 10am.
HOLY CRAP. Ok, adult thoughts gone for a moment while I freak out from nerves and excitement. IF I GET THIS INTERNSHIP, IT’S ALMOST GUARANTEED I GET THE JOB!!! If I get this job, THIS IS THE JOB I’VE BEEN DREAMING OF SINCE I WAS 5!!!
Ok adult moment back – I’ve been wanting to be in law enforcement since I was 5 years old and if this works out, I have a major part of my future all planned out and taken care of.
I’m almost an adult for real and for the first time, it’s not a terrifying prospect.
The future is coming quickly, it’s a just a year and a month til I graduate, til I’m done with formal education forever. I know what I want to do, I want to be on the police force in my college town, at least for a bit, maybe move onto more law enforcement later but that’s mostly it. I know that, but I’m still terrified. I have a plan but the fact that I’m almost completely on my own, I’m moving into my first apartment, out of the dorms next month and it scares me.
How did this happen? How did I get to be an adult? A 21-year-old, with an awesome boyfriend, working and paying for college on my own, about to move out into the real world depending completely on myself. I need to save for a car. I need to focus fully on school now that I’m at the end. I need to be the person I’m supposed to be, the person God wants me to be. I need to put God first in my life, above all else, I need to trust.
Growing up is weird, I have a month before I move into my apartment now. This summer will certainly be better than last, I’ll have an actual home instead of living on someone’s couch, I’ll still be working at the same place and be away from my family (which is a blessing) but this summer I’ll have friends up here with me and won’t be alone. I don’t feel like an adult still though, will that ever happen? Will I ever feel independent of people?
I don’t know. I don’t know a lot of things. I’m scared. The future is terrifying but God is in control. I’m blessed. I don’t know what’ll happen next year, whether I’ll get the policing job I want. I don’t know. But I do know God loves me and will provide. He’s given me a family of friends that means the world to me and He’ll never abandon me.
And that is comforting.
Ok, so the title’s not quite true, I’m actually awesome at blogging – on Tumblr. Seriously, I post all the time on there. My actual problem is getting off… but on here I just seem to have run out of things to say on a regular basis so for anyone still reading this, I do apologize for my sporadic posting.
I’m not going to promise I’ll get better at it because frankly that’s a serious promise and we’d all probably be disappointed by the outcome. However, when the inspiration strikes, I promise I will write whatever comes to mind. :)
Also, if you are interested in just hearing my thoughts more regularly not necessarily in writing form, I have started VEDA on my YouTube channel. For any who don’t know, that is Vlog Every Day in April which is something many vloggers take part in every April. Since I’m just getting my YouTube channel really started and don’t currently have many viewers or videos, I thought maybe this was a good idea to hopefully get it to take off a bit. I guess we’ll see how the month goes.
At the start of this, I’m currently at 27 subscribers, 11 videos and 589 overall views. I’m desperately hoping to increase that quite a bit over the month but I’m trying not to get my hopes up too high.
But yeah, if you’re interested in that I’ll leave some videos down below and in the meantime I will try to think of some more things to write on here. :)
In other news: Doctor Who is back and I’m ecstatic. Also Supernatural is again breaking my heart and I just started watching the BBC Robin Hood.
I hope you’re all doing well! :)