Every year when it gets cold I try so hard not to complain – I hate the cold, it makes me miserable and it makes my depression flair up without fail. (It doesn’t help that I’m the kind of person that gets cold in the summer so when it’s 13 degrees I’m definitely not happy..) But I figure complaining doesn’t help anyone and is really just annoying so I need to stop. And I’m trying, I am.
This post isn’t complaining about the weather – necessarily, it’s complaining about a lot of other stuff. (Man I need to start writing occasionally when I’m happy too not just angst everywhere.)
I hate my 20s. My mom told me the other day the my early 20’s will be the happiest I’ll ever be and I hope to God she’s wrong because I have very few times these past few years when I’m actually truly happy. I’ll have good days here and there, and I can definitely recognize good things that happen to me (God is so faithful to me no matter how my life looks overall) but I’m sad. I’m really sad.
I’m single and I don’t want to be, I’m in a dead end job I don’t want to be at and I’m in the Midwest. None of these things are good. And yes, objectively I know in this day and age many people are in dead end jobs and not where they want to be. And yes I know, I know, everyone says there’s someone out there for me. But not now. None of those good things are happening to me now and as much as I try to be optimistic, my depression won’t let.
It’s worse this week and I don’t know why. My anxiety and people being busy and not hanging out with the people I really wanted to this week have made me really sad right now. I’m at work at 1am typing this up and doing my best not to cry. I did earlier you know – a friend cancelled plans for perfectly understandable and legitimate reasons and I cried for half an hour. What the heck is even wrong with me?
Why can’t I just be content? Why can’t I be happy?
I hate being sad. And winter has only begun.
I turn 23 this week and it sure feels in my head like Blink-182 was right when they said no one likes you at 23.
*I know people like me and I know I have great friends and I know I’m whining and I have no right to be this sad when other people have it so much worse. I’m just in a crappy mood.*
Today is hard and healing is hard and adulthood is hard. My heart has been better recently, there’s been laughter, and coffee and friends and Jesus being good all the time despite my feelings.
Right now I don’t want to go to work and I don’t want to be alone and I don’t want to be an adult but I don’t have a choice of any of those things. I want to be hugged and I want to be loved and get coffee with someone and talk or watch a movie. I want someone I can lean my head on their shoulder and cry like I feel like doing.
I know things will get better, and they have been going better as of late but some days are hard and hopeless.
And it appears the seasonal depression is also settling in..
Everyone wants you to respond with, “good” or even “it was fine.”
No one wants to know if it was bad.
No one cares that you sat down and cried in a forest so no one could see you.
No one cares that you miss your boyfriend so much it literally hurts you to think about.
No one wants to know you were so lonely and so sad you didn’t leave your couch for five hours.
No one wants to know that even if there had been someone to hang out with you would’ve made an excuse because there’s only one person you wanted to be with.
No one cares that your roommate is terrible and driving you crazy.
When people ask how your weekend was, no one actually wants to know.
In regards to the events at the VMAs, I think we can all agree that it was distasteful, disgusting, vulgar and honestly degrading to Miley herself.
I have several thoughts on the subject:
- Robin Thicke: People keep saying this was his fault and why is no one blaming him and why didn’t he stop her. He was being professional, obviously he couldn’t politely just push her away on National TV but if you compare this performance to ANY of his other performances recently he is usually MUCH more enthusiastic, here he was stone faced and clearly as uncomfortable as the rest of us.
- Slut Shaming: I don’t approve of the fact that it’s called slut shaming because that sounds super hateful but SOMETIMES IT NEEDS TO HAPPEN. If no one says anything about lewd behavior like this, it will continue to happen and will get worse. If no one steps up and says this isn’t ok, HOW WILL PEOPLE KNOW TO STOP?
- Miley: I’m sorry to say this but this whole performance was in part largely due to her parents and our culture. She was clearly begging for attention, that wasn’t a performance like we’re usually used to, this was clearly, 100% begging for attention. How sad is that? This is a girl who grew up in the spotlight, always getting attention, everyone telling her how wonderful she is, there was nothing to keep her grounded at all! Her whole performance was begging us the audience to notice her, to tell her she’s pretty, that she’s sexy. Sure not every child celebrity ends up like that but the majority do, it’s not good.
So… I was looking through my old posts and found this. The day I went Facebook official with Blake I posted this. Oh how much has changed in 6 months. I’ve found love and it is real and it’s amazing. :)
I like him. I like having a hand to hold. Someone who cares. I like having someone who can tease me but cares enough to listen to my serious thoughts too. I like having someone I can spend all my time with and not tire of his company.
It scares me though. I don’t want a relationship. I don’t believe in love. I believe that things like this lead to people getting hurt, me getting hurt doesn’t bother me as much but I can’t hurt him. It won’t work, these things never do. It scares me to know that someone cares about me. It scares me to know that someone wants to spend all their time with me and not tire of me. It scares me that someone tells me I’m awesome and lovable. It scares me that someone wants to take me on dates and hold me in their arms.
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My heart is sad, but happy. Texting is fun but I want to hug you. I want to lean on your shoulder and whisper in your ear that I love you. I want to feel your soft touch a you caress my back. I want to see the look you give me when you think I’m not looking, the look where I can tell how much you care about and love me.
I feel selfish for wanting this when I know I’m lucky to have you, I’m so lucky to have met you, much less that you decided I was worth caring about.
I try not to be selfish in this way but I don’t like you being far away, I want you back here, with me and our friends where you belong.
I miss you so much. I care about you so much, and love you so much, it fills my heart with joy that I finally have you. You were worth all the long, lonely years of waiting and feeling hopeless about finding someone.
We’re perfect for each other and I’m so happy.
I love you.
I’ve been worried about the future for.. a long time. I don’t like change, I don’t like when all of the plans are not completely up to me and I can’t fully control everything that’s happening.
That being said, graduating and becoming a real adult and everything is a terrifying prospect and one that when questioned about, I usually try and avoid answering and brush it off because I don’t like to think about it.
Obviously, since I’m graduating in less than a year, I have checked into some things, at the beginning of the summer I had looked into an internship with the local police department, I’d sent in all my information, had my advisor send a letter of recommendation and then didn’t hear back for two months. I sorta gave up then, kind of dejected but used to the rejection but also worried about what is going to happen in May. I want to be an officer here and without that internship, it probably won’t happen and though I could probably find a law enforcement job elsewhere with little difficulty, this town is where my friends are and where my boyfriend will be back next year and honestly, I love this town, I’m not quite ready to leave it I don’t think.
Yesterday, I finally got an email back from the HR head who is in charge of internships explaining she had been unavoidably out of the office and apologizing and saying if I was still interested, I could set up an interview. I called immediately and she was unavailable but I received a call back from her today and have an interview set up on Friday at 10am.
HOLY CRAP. Ok, adult thoughts gone for a moment while I freak out from nerves and excitement. IF I GET THIS INTERNSHIP, IT’S ALMOST GUARANTEED I GET THE JOB!!! If I get this job, THIS IS THE JOB I’VE BEEN DREAMING OF SINCE I WAS 5!!!
Ok adult moment back – I’ve been wanting to be in law enforcement since I was 5 years old and if this works out, I have a major part of my future all planned out and taken care of.
I’m almost an adult for real and for the first time, it’s not a terrifying prospect.