This week has been.. bad. Like, extraordinarily bad. I’ve been heartbroken for a month now, learning to be single again, learning to get over love, all that. I’m bad at it – really bad. I thought I was doing okay, or getting to okay at least but then he texted me- out of the blue he texted me and it destroyed me again and killed my entire week. He was just asking how I was and soon realized it was too soon but it killed me and led to me crying in my car for 20 minutes in a parking lot.
On top of that – it’s midterm week – ALL of my friends were busy. I’ve been lonely anyways but this was extraordinarily painful – no one to hang out with for a week straight – work, go home, Netflix (which even I am getting bored of), go to sleep, repeat. It’s been horrendous as someone who can’t be alone because I think too much, cry too much, do nothing but feel bad for myself. Depression is bad alone, but everything else on top of it, man. I’m at the point where if I was held at gun point, (NOT THAT I WANT TO DIE) I would not even protest.
BUT. I went to Bible study last night and MAN. The lesson was ON POINT. Okay? We talked about God’s timing and the pastor took words straight out of my mind, “Do you feel heartbroken, lonely, not going anywhere, in a rut? Do you feel like you’re just not where you should be with relationships or careers?” (Um, yes, all of the above actually?) and he talked about and reminded me of just what I need to be CONSTANTLY remembering. God is here. No matter what. There’s no reason He has to be- He doesn’t need us but he NEVER leaves us and is constantly working to make our lives better. When things aren’t going our way that just means He has something planned that is SO MUCH more than we can imagine.
So that was refreshing and a good thing to remember but I’m still just like feeling awful and lonely because I do that in my head and my brain just lies to me a lot about people caring. So there it is, last song of church and I’m just sitting there praying, “God, please just calm my anxiety and comfort me and make me not feel so alone. Next week people will be less busy, I can wait a couple days to see people again.” BOOM. Second I finish praying is when church ends so I pick up my phone and check it, I have two texts, a missed called, a Facebook message and a Snapchat from two friends telling me to get over to Taco Bell so we can hang out.
Man, God’s timing is always good and comforting but THAT. I am constantly amazed by Him and I need to remember how much bigger He is than me and how well He plans my future.