Depression isn’t just sadness.
It isn’t something you can fix by finding something to make you happy.
It’s the voice that pulls you out of your happiness,
the voice that makes you worry how things will go wrong soon.
The voice that tells you nothing is good enough.
The voice that whispers to you that no one cares.
The voice that says you don’t deserve to happiness.
There doesn’t have to be a reason to be depressed,
Everything could be perfectly fine until it rears its ugly head.
Telling you to bleed, to slide the blade over your smooth skin once more.
Telling you how worthless and screwed up you are.
Telling you that people who care are a lie, they won’t stick around.
They never do.
People think depression is just sadness,
they tell you to get over it or
they, with good intentions, try to help.
They don’t understand it’s not that easy.
It’s not something you can help.
It’s more than that,
And I don’t know how to stop it.
Things have been going well, much better recently, spending time with my group of friends nearly all of my free time. If I’m not at class, at work or asleep we’re together, even if we’re just doing our own thing and not talking, we’re together. I know I keep mentioning this but for real, this is the closest I’ve ever felt to people, they legitimately care about me and love me and I honestly don’t even know how to handle it. It scares me almost having people legitimately worry about me and want me to be ok. It’s nice. I was sick last week and I walked into Michael’s room, coughed like once and he immediately gave me medicine and made me a cup of hot tea. Even when I was younger and my family was better they didn’t take care of me that much.
This week of course was Single’s Awareness Day, that was when things started to get weird in life again. Everything was mostly good, like I actually had an awesome day, our group all went out and ate dinner together to celebrate our friendship and be single together and whatnot but of course that all changed when my mother came into the day. She texted me, as I had sorta expected her to, wishing me a happy Valentine’s Day and saying she loved me. I simply responded, “Thanks, happy Singles Awareness Day. I love you.” Then she freaked out… claiming it was rude and she had always tried to make the day good for me and how it’s actually a day for family’s and a bunch of random bull-crap. Then nothing else happened until this evening when I received a call from her.
This evening she called, it started ok because she said, “I hope you didn’t think I was mad at you.” then proceeded to yell at me for a half hour guilting me about not coming home more often and wondering why I would possibly like spending so much time with my friends instead of coming home (And being verbally abused? Yep, that sounds like a good deal.). She also went through how I clearly hate her and she made me apologize to her for ruining her Valentine’s Day which is her “favorite day of the year” because I was such a bitter brat about it.
I wish I didn’t let this stuff get to me. I wish I could stand up to her more, I wish I didn’t let her guilt me into things. I wish I was stronger and that stuff like this wouldn’t push me back into depression. I was doing so well! Now I’m sad again… This has to stop.
Okay, so I realize it’s been a while since I had an actual, legitimate post, and really, I don’t have a good reason as to why not. I’ve had ample time to write one, numerous thoughts running through my brain that probably should have been let out but I just haven’t felt like it I suppose.
In my last posts, I was full of hope, encouragement and looking forward to the future, not the case now. It’s like I’m broken or something. I have so many times when I have good days and I feel all hopeful and awesome and then sometimes even the next day I just feel broken, not here and completely hopeless. I don’t even know how to explain it really, it’s not a steady decline into sadness, it’s a sharp, unexpected plunge into depression. I don’t like it, I don’t like writing about it (And I suppose that’s partially why I haven’t) because I want to be happy, and encouraging and have something meaningful to say. But honestly? I don’t. I don’t have encouragement or wisdom on how to get out of this. I know I will get out and I do continue to know that God is good and He will provide but sometimes I’m so in pain and sad that I just want to curl up and cry until everything’s ok. Which is NOT how I want to live. I want to do important things, changes lives, be something, do something incredible with my life. Change the world. But right now, I have no idea how to do that. At least not while I’m at home. At home I feel lost and alone.
I need a hug.
Hope (What an ironic name I have, eh?)
I know I’m extremely angsty whenever I’m home and as always I do apologize for that but I’m afraid this time it’s worse and I just need to get it all down so I’m not even sure if this post will make any sense and it’s definitely not that important I just have a lot on my mind right now.
Everything feels wrong. From being home, and mom telling me she wishes I wasn’t here, to all the recent shootings, to a friend trying to kill herself, to nearly everyone I know struggling with depression of some kind, to all the sad stuff that happens on the news every day, to my sister being as depressed and sad as I am, to my boyfriend breaking up with me, to me hating myself completely and hating that I let down my guard to care about someone when I knew in my heart it wouldn’t work for one reason or another.
I feel extremely worthless and like nothing I can ever do is right and I feel like the world is crashing down around me, and there’s so much pain and suffering and I’m not contributing to help it at all and there’s nothing I feel I can do and I just want it all to stop but I can’t even stop myself from feeling broken and hopeless. I know, I know it’s not true. I know I’m not worthless, and I know all of the right things to say, that God has a plan, and that He has a purpose and I’m here for a reason and that I do do things right and I know all of that in my head but my heart doesn’t know it and I’m just drowning. I feel stuck and sad and I don’t know how to get out.
I feel like mom is right, that no guy will ever love me.
I feel like it’s my fault that I can’t fix those hurting around me. When people I know are hurting I take on their pain and feel it until I can help them not feel it. Which is not healthy probably, for one thing and for another is bad because 99% of the time there is absolutely nothing I or anyone else can do to fix them except be there (Which I ALWAYS am) but I feel terrible until I can.
I feel like I’m alone and will be and that I’m drowning in a sea of sadness.
I hate myself and don’t see anything good about myself at all. Much less what anyone would see in me that’s worth loving.
I know, I know these are lies and that I shouldn’t feel this way but I can’t seem to stop.
And at this point even though I don’t have a resolution for these feelings or really feel any better, and even though none of them may ever read this, I have to thank my friends, particularly tonight Megan, Anna, and David.
David has been there for me several times this week in my pain and such and has been an incredible encouragement and really affirmed that I do mean something and that my friends love me and that there is a guy out there somewhere for me, I just have to be patient.
Anna saw a post I had on Tumblr and we started texting and realizing we were feeling the exact same feelings right now and even though neither of us had answers for the other one, talking about our pains somehow made us both feel not quite so alone.
“Reading about the depression of someone you love doesn’t make it easier. Well, it does and doesn’t. It’s something you never want them to go through… but you’re a little glad you’re not alone. Which makes you feel terrible about being happy. What the hell is this.” ~ Anna
Megan was completely and amazingly used by God tonight. She had absolutely no idea any of the things going on in my head at all but at the peak of my apparent mental break down or what it’s been tonight she messaged me on Facebook asking if I was ok and what was going on. I then sorta exploded on her everything that was wrong but being the friend she is she took it all and had me call so she could just pray for me.
So yeah, I’m still drowning and extremely sad and depressed but I know God will provide and show me His plan. And through typing this I’ve actually started to feel a little bit better and more comforted but this world is so sad. I don’t even know.
I do know that God is good and will prevail. And I know that sometimes the family we chose for ourselves, that have also chosen to keep us in their lives, that’s the family that matters. My real family, the family that will prevail. Not my blood relatives, but something deeper and stronger than blood.
Maybe this is the end of the world. Everyone that’s kept the world going stops seeing the good and gives up.
~ Anna (Itscharls) on Tumblr
I just don’t even know what happened, when did I start looking at myself and not seeing someone that God created but someone that is worthless and has nothing good about them? What is happening to the world. What did the happiness go in everyone?
And yet again I’m home, this time I’m determined to do something. I have to help my sister because she’s here by herself all the time and as much as my mom’s comments hurt and scar me, they’re actually killing her and I can’t just leave her like this. I’m going to talk to my dad, chances are he won’t do anything about it, like usual but I have to try. Maybe if I tell him how much I’ve struggled and how much it’s hurt me he’ll open his eyes and man up and do something. This isn’t healthy, this is abuse and this is destroying not just our family but mines and my sister’s lives.
Honestly, as dramatic as this sounds, I don’t know if I’ll ever be ok because of this, I don’t know if anyone can ever make me feel like I’m worth something because I’ve spent so long believing and hearing I’m not. What am I worth? To people I mean, to God I’m worth something because we all are. But to a human? What do I have to offer? I don’t know. According to my mom, nothing. She told me today she doesn’t even like me. What a shock that one was, not.
Kim: You are one of the first online friends I ever had and you’re always there for me. We can nerd out Doctor Who, cry about our feels and talk about serious things. You are a wonderful person and I’m so happy that you started up a conversation with me whenever it was and that we became friends.
Erin: You’ve been my best friend since 2nd grade and even though we’re super far apart now, I know that I can still tell you anything and you will always be there. Everyone else we knew has left but you never have and I can’t thank you enough for that.
Chelsea: We’ve only met in person once but you are incredible. I love how we can have conversations with Erin on Facebook for like 100 comments only using GIFs and how we can endlessly nerd out about our fandoms. Also, yours, mine and Erin’s mutual hatred for most girls is something I value deeply in a friendship.
Anna: When thinking about it, we really haven’t seen each other that many times either but we’re more than just friends, we’re sisters, completely. You always know the perfect nerdy reference to give me to encourage me and even when I give up on things for my life, you don’t.
Hailey: I haven’t known you very long at all but already I know you are one of the coolest people ever. I value your friendship a ton and you have no idea how much I appreciate having someone else who has all the fandom feels and Tumblr lingo to talk about IRL. Also, the deeper conversations we’ve been having lately are cool, I appreciate you saying you’re there for me, it means more than you know. Also, I appreciate all your inside information about you know who and your encouragement there. :)
Carrie: Carrie will probably never read this but she has impacted my life more than she will ever know. When I’ve felt like giving up on everything, when I’ve been more depressed than even she knew she’s always given me the words I needed. She will probably never know how many times a random text from her has stopped me from hurting myself or from spiraling deep into depression but she’s been there ever since we became friends. Also, we always seem to be going through the exact same thing at the exact time, we even went on our first dates on the same weekend.
There’s a few more IRL friends that have been incredible like this and several more from Tumblr but basically, as much as I complain, and feel sad and depressed and lonely sometimes, I have to look back and realized how I blessed I am. To have all of you. All of you are incredible people and you guys honestly have no idea how much you’ve changed my life.
You guys give me faith in humanity and I love you.
Thank you, thank you for being there and thank you for saving me, even if you haven’t realized it.
Also this is weirdly sappy.. it’s just been on my mind… So yeah. Anyways…
I know I’ve spoken many times on here about the organization To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA). Within the last year they created a project called “Fears Vs. Dreams” basically having people outline their fears they hope to overcome and their goals they hope to accomplish. As always with TWLOHA, it’s a really cool project that has touched many lives and I am sure will continue to touch many more. Today I’ve still been struggling a little bit with my depression that I’ve been feelings these past few days so I went on the TWLOHA site to read some of their blog entries. In the process I was reminded of Fears vs. Dreams and inspired to write my own post about the matter.
Fear: Never being loved and always being forgotten.
Dreams: Sharing hope and love with everyone, being happy, having someone to love me the way I love them.
I feel like both of these are fairly self-explanatory but I suppose I’ll go into a bit more detail. As any of my long time readers know, I have struggled with feeling good enough and loved and have unfortunately struggled many times with being the forgotten friend. That is my biggest fear and one that I’m really trying to get over but really struggling with.
My hopes are kind of the opposite, I long and hope to someday have a lasting forever kind of love, not like one that you read about in love stories because those are dumb and sappy, but a brilliant love story that’s so great it could only be written by God. Also to share hope and love with people, it makes my day when people go out of their way to care about me or be nice to me and I want to do the same for others. I want to share hope and love with everyone I come across, and brighten their days. :)
I am living a story. I will not give up.