Again I’ve neglected this poor blog awhile until I have something going on, but here I am again!
Tonight I’m not sad but I’m not happy either. Tonight marks the series finale of one of my favorite shows, of a show that’s kept me smiling and laughing and falling in love with the characters for years, tonight Parks and Rec, the Pawnee, Indiana Parks department is leaving me. It’s time to say goodbye to Leslie, who taught me it was okay and encouraged to be weird and passionate about things you love and care about, to Ben, who is the closest version of myself I’ve ever seen in a fictional platform – the nerd who geeks out about TV shows and Batman suits but who everyone loves and who found his soul-mate who thinks he’s the best. To Andy, the dork who is more like an exuberant puppy than anything else but who loves so fiercely and so loyally he’d do anything for his wife. To April, who has a tough exterior but cares inside and is passionate and who won’t give up on her dreams. To Tom and Donna, who know how to treat themselves when it’s needed but to stay on track and do what needs to be done. To Ron, one of a kind, meat loving, no-nonsense Ron Swanson. To the entire department, that while they may be fictional, have meant as much to me as many of my dear friends and who have taught me just as much.
I’m also feeling bittersweet because this week marks two of my good friends moving away, out of Kansas. One to California, to be with her girlfriend and I am so, so happy for her, this is a great opportunity but I’ll miss the times and laughter we’ve shared. The other friend, to D.C., again this is a great opportunity for him and one that’ll take him closer to his dreams and give him more career paths to choose from. This week marks saying goodbye to them as well. I’m rotten at goodbyes, and change, even when they’ll inevitably be for the better.
I’m not sad completely, but goodbyes to people and to TV shows are hard.
I’m pretty sure it’s not recommended to make lists of how you want your future relationship to be – it can lead to unrealistic expectations and all that, but I’m doing it anyways. Obviously, some are just things I want that are totally up to change, but some are totally non-negotiable.
- Must love Jesus more than he will ever love me.
- Must be kind and understanding and respectful and patient to people.
- Must be a spiritual leader who will help me learn more about Jesus and grow with me.
- Must be okay with my depression/anxiety and not be scared away by it.
- Must love at least some of the music (Fall Out Boy) and TV shows I do.
- Must be up for acting ridiculous and going on dumb adventures.
- Preferably taller than me.
- Preferably someone who dresses super hipster but is really a nerd.
- Maybe also like WWE, or at least be up for watching it with me.
- Preferably feel the same as I do about Sonic, IHOP and Taco Bell, or at least support me in these food habits.
- It would be hecka rad if this hypothetical future boy had tattoos.
- Oh I hope he loves cats or at least is okay with cats.
- I also hope my crazy/mean mother doesn’t scare him away.
This is a dumb thing to make a list of when I’m more single than I’ve ever been but hey, I’m at work in the middle of the night and have a lot of time to write what’s in my head.
Plus I’m pretty sure I maybe have one reader on here?
The past few months have been weird and a time of more growth that I knew possible and things changing and losing people and getting new jobs and learning to be. Learning to be me, to be an adult, to be single, to be a friend.
As of today, I’m happy (er). Things aren’t all great, life is still painful and I still have a lot of uncertainty but I have a lot of good too.
I’m loved, I’m farther in the hiring process for my dream job than I’ve ever gotten, I am in a house with people who love me, my friends care, I had tacos and pancakes yesterday, I’m getting more tattoos soon and most importantly, God thinks I’m so important and cares about me so much.
This past week my church had a 3 night revival that was crazy to see how God has been working, I don’t know what He did in the hearts of those who don’t know Him but I saw so much love and growth and grace stem from this week, so many hearts were revived and set on fire anew for Him. Our relationships with God and each other have all strengthened and so many of us have grown in our love for Him and our prayer lives and grown in trusting Him.
I’m not strong, but I have God’s strength in me, through Christ I can get through anything, I have Him beside me, as my best friend, my confidant and my protector.
And because of that, I can face whatever comes my way.
The past few months have been hard – really hard. I’ve struggled with being in a job I hate, I’ve lost a best friend to a lot of crap and pain and hurt and I lost the boy I thought I would marry. During those times though, God never once failed me, He has never looked at me and I thought I was too much work, He has never seen me crying out and thought I was too annoying or too broken or too anything – I am His child, and He has loved me throughout.
Since September, 90% of my life has changed but while a lot of it was extremely painful, so much of it has also been a beautiful growing experience. I know 100% who my real family is, the friends who will drop everything to come make sure I’m okay, to bring me ice cream when I’m down, to watch movies with me so I’m not alone to just love me and be with me – the ones who really care. And that’s.. beautiful. That’s something I’ve never had before. I have been loved many ways throughout my life but not like this, I’m usually the side character, the replaceable friend, not the “drop everything for” friend and having this kind of love is, it turns out, a beautiful blessing.
I admit before these hard months I wasn’t necessarily practicing my faith as I should have, I had faltered, gotten away from where I should be and just been too stressed and busy trying to make my own way. (Which is dumb, I can’t do that)
I’m still so far away from where I should be but I’m learning, I’m growing and I’m leaning on God so much more than ever, not just in the hard times but now that things are getting better too.
God brought me His son and this amazing church family and friends outside of church too that love me even though I don’t know why.
God, I don’t deserve anything. I panic, I freak out and I definitely don’t trust but here I am, being taken care of anyways.
- For people who care
- For pancakes and IHOP
- For my kind and adorable sister
- For a cuddly cat to be around
- For Netflix to distract from feelings
- For music to drown out thoughts
- For Fall Out Boy
- That my family was only here 24 hours
- For pie
- For eating til I feel awful
- For Dr Pepper that’s there for me when I need it
- Coffee to keep me awake when my parents screwed up my schedule
- For when the holiday season will be over
(A compilation of good things of this week so I don’t forget and can look at)
- Coffee with friends
- People willing to spend time with me for my birthday
- Celebrating my birthday with the people I’m closest to in the world
- Broken hearts healing
- NEW FALL OUT BOY SONG
- NEW FALL OUT BOY ALBUM IN LESS THAN 2 MONTHS
- A band that has such deep and meaningful lyrics they can get me through over 10 years of hard times
- Hanging with Sonjay and Tia like old times
- Laughing at dumb jokes in the mall
- Getting an entire bag of free scones from Radinas because I was there at closing
- Long talks about important things
- Unexpected birthday presents
- People thinking about you
- People wanting to talk to you :3
The past days have been better – yesterday we celebrated my birthday early and even though it meant I was running on only 3 hours of sleep – it was very good for my soul.
Sonjay, Jay and I went to see Mockingjay and then went to IHOP and had a lot of delightful pancakes. After that, Tia and Sonjay and I briefly had coffee together and then I left to go watch the WWE Survivor Series with Jay.
It might not seem like much but honestly having those 3 especially who are always there for me and who took time out to spend with me – they’re so lovely. I’m so blessed to have them and even if that day sounds lame it was the best birthday celebration I’ve ever had.
And today – today Fall Out Boy came out with an AMAZING new song and released the date for their new album and that fills me with more joy than I can describe.