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8/17/2012 ~ Dear Future Husband


Dear Future Husband,
Well, it’s finally come. This afternoon, after months of longing for it I will finally be home. And by home I mean away from my family, back with my college family/friends, the people who’ve shown they actually do care. I’ve been at my parent’s house with my family this past week and it’s been the usual depressing place. I’ve again been told I’m terrible, told that I only think of myself, told that no one really loves me, all the usual stuff from my mom. This time though since it was just a week it didn’t seem as dim and dark, yes, it got me down unfortunately but God is so good. He showed me, especially two nights ago at church that in my uniqueness He can use me for His good, He loves me and accepts me and I’m valuable. I know that whoever you are out there, that He’s made it so you’ll think that way too. I don’t see how anyone could feel that way personally but I’m actually starting to believe you’re out there and that God made us to be together. I can’t wait.
I love you already.
Love,
Hope Kristen ♥

From To My Future Spouse Tumblr:
– Whomever you are, I want you. Not some perfect prince that every movie and book tells me you should be. I want the complexity that comes with a real man. I want the struggle to learn each other and the joy of discovering parts of who you are. I want to know your embrace. I want real life and all its unexpected complications that will test our relationship. I want the days when we just laugh together. I want to be able to cry while you hold me and to have water balloon wars. I want you and only you.

– “Be a best friend, tell the truth, and overuse ‘I love you’.
Go to work, do your best, don’t outsmart your common sense.
Never let your prayin knees get lazy and love like crazy.
Always treat your woman like a lady, never get too old to call her baby.
Never let your prayin knees get lazy and love like crazy.”
I want a love like this.

– You wouldn’t mind us staying in, cuddling up, and just watching Toy Story or something would you?

– Please be my Augustus Waters. You know, minus the dying.
Love,
Your very own Hazel Grace (NOOOOOOOOO!!! ALL THE FEELS!! BUT YES!! THIS EXACTLY!)

– Be a man of God. A man who shows emotion and loves me. A man who will never hurt me. But most importantly be the man I will grow old with.

– I will live my life for God. Not for a future idea that may or may not happen. I hope you do the same.

Whatever God has planned for me, He will reveal to me in His time. As He will for you.
I will not idolize you, nor fantasize about scenarios that haven’t happened nor may never happen because that’s not what God wants.
I will continue to love others as God has commanded me and I will continue to accept love.
I will live a full life of love in front of the almighty God of love.
I will be the best friend of all people that I can possibly be.
And maybe, maybe, God willing, I will have a spouse.
But I’m willing to give my all to anyone who will dance with me.

– I need you. Now. Everything seems to be falling apart. But you are the reason why I am determined to get through all of this. I love you, always.

– It’s likely that you’ll never know when something is bothering me. But I’m working on sharing myself with you. I’ll get better. I promise.

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My Summer Playlist


Well, since today is now officially my last day of summer before tomorrow when I move into my dorm and go home to my college town and have all kinds of crazy awesome adventures, it’s about dang time I share with you guys my summer playlist. It’s not like I at first just sat down and was like, these songs will be the soundtrack to Summer 2012 but these ended up being almost the only songs I listened to all summer, they’re just the happy, summer kind of song that is exciting to listen to as one bikes to and from work each morning in the heat and needs to get pumped up! :)
So yeah, if anyone cares (Well, it’ll be here whether you care or not actually) here is my Summer 2012 Playlist!

(These are in absolutely no order by the way.)

1. Fluorescent Adolescent – Arctic Monkeys
2. I Bet You Look Good on the Dance Floor – Arctic Monkeys
3. Sail – AWOLNATION
4. You are So Beautiful – Escape the Fate
5. Mushaboom – Feist
6. The entire “Torches” CD by Foster the People
7. The entire “Some Nights” CD by fun. AH. I’m obsessed with them right now.
8. All The Pretty Girls – fun.
9. The entire “Never Trust a Happy Song” CD by Grouplove. (Ironically most of the songs are quite happy.)
10. Ooh La – The Kooks
11. Love Me Dead – Ludo
12. Midnight City – M83
13. The entire “Overexposed” CD by Maroon 5. (I’ve never been a huge Maroon 5 CD but I’m in love with this album!!)
14. Daylight – Matt and Kim
15. Electric Feel – MGMT
16. She’s Got You High – Mumm-ra
17. Little Talks – Of Monsters and Men
18. Sleepyhead – Passion Pit
19. Lisztomania – Phoenix
20. The Way We Get By – Spoon
21. Chelsea Dagger – The Fratellis
22. Kill the Director – The Wombats
23. Vagabond – Wolfmother
24. Not exactly upbeat but the entire “Sigh No More” CD by Mumford & Sons has been on my list of always listen to for over a year now. My all time favorite CD ever.
25. I Will Wait – Mumford & Sons (Admittedly not on my list all summer because it just came out but I can’t stop listening to it!!)

I Am More Than Valuable


Thoughts from Youth Group tonight, partially my own thoughts, partially taken from a video we watched. Some are direct quotes from the video but I don’t know the name of it, anyways, it’s important.

I am valuable through the lenses of Christ. I am not perfect but I don’t have to be. I’m a child of God and I have a lot to offer. I may not have the gift of leadership, or of speech, I may not be good at common things but I have my own abilities. I’m a good photographer, I’m loyal, I love people but most important, God chose me.
I don’t have to fight for the approval of anyone and I don’t have to want acceptance from people. I have already been accepted and approved at the Cross. I don’t need more than that, there was nothing I had to do to earn it, it’s freely given.
When I don’t accept that I’m a sinner and when I’m not vulnerable and open with my fellow siblings in Christ, I’m not only pushing away those people, I’m pushing away Christ and His love and acceptance.
– This is the one I struggle with the most. I’m open here on my blog but I hate people seeing my weaknesses, my vulnerability and most people who actually know me, know that. I try to hide my feelings and never act weak but that’s not how I should be. It’s ok to be vulnerable sometimes, it’s even needed.
It’s ok that I’m unique, uniqueness is needed. Nothing would work if we all had the same talents and jobs.
If we don’t pursue humility, He will humble us. If we don’t pursue brokenness, He will break us and show us just how much we need Him.
Our mission is to always make Him known.
I am more than valuable, I am a child of God.

The Church


Tonight, because I am home I was able for the first time in a very long time to go to my old Youth Group for Wednesday nights. That Youth Group has been a blessing to me for years but tonight was especially incredible. This summer they had a new intern there teaching Wednesday nights and most Sunday mornings and on Wednesdays I guess they had been going through some of Francis Chan’s video messages who, as I have mentioned before is one of my favorites. They were going through his “Basics” series which is unfortunately extremely copyrighted and can therefore only be found by buying the DVD which I would really enjoy watching at some point. But in tonight’s video, the conclusion video for the summer he was talking about The Church and fellowship and how we as Christians should always be acting. It was crazy awesome and exactly what I needed I think. Because I took notes the next part of this post is just gonna be some bullets of what he said and I’ll discuss a bit more at the end.
– Do everything in remembrance of Christ, no one has had or ever will have greater love – share it and remember.
– We should remember His body in a group of friends. Break bread and have communion among people we love and know – Not just in a big group at church.
– We need to completely devote ourselves and our lives to Him.
– There is something in all of us that longs for that simpler time of loving Christ. The commitment was harder but the love was simpler, the church didn’t over complicate it. They just loved.
– We have to make a 24/7 commitment to be part of Christ’s mission always.
– Our lives, our everything is about a lifetime of living for Him, being committed to true fellowship, devotion and unity.
– We need to pray for the things He desires.
– Jesus is going to build His church with or without us so we need to decide, do we just keep attending like a “good church goer” or do we actually want to be a part of the growth and building?
– We should be known how the original church was – for being glad and generous and having favor with all people. We need to love. Plain and simple. That doesn’t mean we should excuse sins or let them go but we just need to love the person.
– You will never have genuine, authentic community if you don’t have genuine love.
– We have to be vulnerable and open with people.
– Discipleship is key in community and relationships with the church. It helps the community and church grow in all ways.
– We need to be like the Acts 2:42-47 church always.

Acts 2:42 – 47:
They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.43 Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles.44 All the believers were together and had everything in common.45 They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need.46 Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts,47 praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.

That’s pretty much it, it was just an incredible night and I got to fellowship and really talk with some people I hadn’t in a while which is always cool but God is just so good. And I was just struck by how much we do need that fellowship, I’ve been blessed to have that in a handful of friends from my floor last year and it was the coolest experience ever and I literally thank God for those people on a daily basis but it’s time for me to step up and be a leader and start being more of a community and living my life in love. As I start this new school year next week in a completely new dorm with new people, I’m really gonna strive to live my life in such a way that everyone knows the love of Christ through me.
God is gonna do some incredible things here, I can tell.

Hope ♥

An Overdue Update


Ok, I realize that my last post was a few days back and was kind of angsty, I apologize for both of those things now. My time at home hasn’t gotten a whole lot better unfortunately. I was able to hang out with a group of friends Saturday night which was fantastic. We watched random things on Netflix then went to a coffee shop where we hung out for about an hour and then a singing competition started at the coffee shop that we deeply enjoyed hearing all the performances and one of my friends that I went with, Daniel actually ended up winning the competition which was super cool! The rest of my week thus far has pretty much been me hanging out home, cleaning stuff for mom and trying to just stay under the radar as much as possible. I’m trying to be optimistic about things here and trying not to be discouraged but it’s hard, it’s been thrown around several times how I was much better when I was away from them, how I shouldn’t even be allowed to talk to people because I’m so horrible and other things that are pretty much the usual around here.
The reason I haven’t updated much on here is my parents are really not thrilled when I spend a lot of time on the computer so I’ve mostly been off it since arriving home with stolen moments here and there to check my Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr. And of course I’ve been tweeting quite often from my phone which I’ve recently started doing often to relieve my stress at times. It’s a nice way of venting out my thoughts.
I’ll be moving back into my dorm on Friday afternoon which means leaving my house Friday mid-morning, though I’ve enjoyed the few times I’ve gotten to see friends while home I’m anxiously counting the moments til I’m back at what I actually consider home in my college town. It will be quite different this year, since my whole dorm floor from last year is pretty much split up all over campus but I’m excited and looking forward to the plans God has for this year. Lots of changes which can be scary but I know the friends that matter most to be will all stick together and though our friendship won’t be as convenient as last year, it will be very prevalent still and will give us all the chance to branch out and be there for other people as well. God is good and as always have plans for the upcoming chapter of my life and though I am a bit nervous, I’m really excited to see what He’s going to do as well.
Until next time,
Hope

Late Night Thoughts


As I sit writing this it’s almost midnight, I’ll probably end up scheduling it to post later in the morning so I can go back through and edit it more since most times when I write things at night I make some ridiculous typo but I just had to write.
I’m back at home as of last night (the 9th) at about 10pm. After being gone an entire summer and since I’m only home for one week I was really hoping this week would be an improvement from my times at home recently. I had actually had some really good conversations with my mom on the phone while I was alone this summer and I was hoping that me being gone would have actually caused her to care and maybe make it so she would be excited to see me. Yesterday started off well really, I got off work and my dad actually came to pick me up shortly after that. Since at the beginning of summer they had told me to my face that it was a waste of gas for them to come get me or bring me to college and that I wasn’t worth it, I thought this was a significant improvement and my mom texted me enthusiastically saying she was excited I was coming home. I started to be optimistic, started to hope that something had changed inside her, that maybe I wouldn’t be a disappointment to her anymore. Those thoughts changed when she called as Dad and I were on the almost 3 hour drive back home. She asked why it had taken us so long to leave and when I explained that we had stopped to eat dinner she had gotten mad at me that I hadn’t bought the dinner for me and dad. Wait. Hold on, I, the college student completely paying for college on my own who had just gotten done living on her own for the first time who almost completely survived on Ramen this summer because it was cheap was supposed to buy dinner for both me and my dad? When dad offered to take me out since I had just been living on Ramen? That was when my optimism started to disappear. A few hours later after I got home it was completely gone, I was accused of having an attitude and told that she doesn’t understand how I could be so rude to her (All I did was tell her I was tired and wanted to go to bed). Today she accused me of being judgmental, told me I had a terrible work ethic and I hadn’t actually had a hard time this summer because when she was in college she got 3 hours of sleep each night, worked 40 hours a week at one job, 20 at another and took 23 credit hours and never got to hang out with friends. She also tried to guilt me by asking if I was interested in anyone and when I avoided the question she acted hurt. What I don’t understand is why she think I would tell her I was interested in someone when she has told me to my face that no one will ever love me because I have a dyed hair and a nose ring. I just can’t, I don’t like most people to know when I’m interested in someone anyways, much less people who have told me I will never find love.
I was stupid to be optimistic, stupid to think things had changed. Yesterday I had actually been excited to come home, it has been great seeing my sister and I’m excited for the chance to hang out with friend but this week is not shaping up to be a good one. I know God is in control and it is just a week, I can make it, I made it through my depression of being alone this summer with the help of God, now I’ll have to make it through all the pain time with my family brings.
It’s gonna be a long week.
Hope

8/10/2012 ~ Dear Future Husband


Dear Future Husband,
My summer alone has come to an end. I’m back at home for this week and though I spent most of the summer not appreciating my time alone and wishing I was with other people I now miss it. God taught me a lot this summer and I really enjoyed getting to know the new people from my Bible study and everything and I look forward to continuing those new relationships and I’m really looking forward to this new semester starting next week. God is good and I know that He has a lot in store for this year and it’ll be super cool. Who knows, maybe I’ll even meet you? :)
I love you,
Hope ♥

From To My Future Spouse Tumblr:
– I see people say they want a love like Noah and Allie or any other romantic movie couple. I don’t want a love like theirs. I want us to write our own love story. We may not have to overcome some huge obstacle, but our story will be beautiful. Because it’s ours. I’m ready to start writing whenever you are.

– I want to obey God by submitting to you, just like the Word of God says. I don’t want to go before you, I want you to be the head of the house, the leader and the father. When decisions need to be made, we will come together and make them as a married couple. We will continue to be strong individually, strong together and strong in the Lord.