Winter is Hard.
Every year when it gets cold I try so hard not to complain – I hate the cold, it makes me miserable and it makes my depression flair up without fail. (It doesn’t help that I’m the kind of person that gets cold in the summer so when it’s 13 degrees I’m definitely not happy..) But I figure complaining doesn’t help anyone and is really just annoying so I need to stop. And I’m trying, I am.
This post isn’t complaining about the weather – necessarily, it’s complaining about a lot of other stuff. (Man I need to start writing occasionally when I’m happy too not just angst everywhere.)
I hate my 20s. My mom told me the other day the my early 20’s will be the happiest I’ll ever be and I hope to God she’s wrong because I have very few times these past few years when I’m actually truly happy. I’ll have good days here and there, and I can definitely recognize good things that happen to me (God is so faithful to me no matter how my life looks overall) but I’m sad. I’m really sad.
I’m single and I don’t want to be, I’m in a dead end job I don’t want to be at and I’m in the Midwest. None of these things are good. And yes, objectively I know in this day and age many people are in dead end jobs and not where they want to be. And yes I know, I know, everyone says there’s someone out there for me. But not now. None of those good things are happening to me now and as much as I try to be optimistic, my depression won’t let.
It’s worse this week and I don’t know why. My anxiety and people being busy and not hanging out with the people I really wanted to this week have made me really sad right now. I’m at work at 1am typing this up and doing my best not to cry. I did earlier you know – a friend cancelled plans for perfectly understandable and legitimate reasons and I cried for half an hour. What the heck is even wrong with me?
Why can’t I just be content? Why can’t I be happy?
I hate being sad. And winter has only begun.
I turn 23 this week and it sure feels in my head like Blink-182 was right when they said no one likes you at 23.
*I know people like me and I know I have great friends and I know I’m whining and I have no right to be this sad when other people have it so much worse. I’m just in a crappy mood.*