- For people who care
- For pancakes and IHOP
- For my kind and adorable sister
- For a cuddly cat to be around
- For Netflix to distract from feelings
- For music to drown out thoughts
- For Fall Out Boy
- That my family was only here 24 hours
- For pie
- For eating til I feel awful
- For Dr Pepper that’s there for me when I need it
- Coffee to keep me awake when my parents screwed up my schedule
- For when the holiday season will be over
Tomorrow after class, I have my first day of my internship which is quite exciting! I’m so close to reaching my dream I can taste it. :)
After that, Sonjay and I are driving to Wichita to help our friend Michael and his mom with a fundraiser on Saturday, because we’re not needed til Saturday, he’s dropping me off at my house Friday evening and he’ll be staying with Becca. Because my house sucks and because he’s the best in the world, Blake is being amazing and coming down with us and staying at my house with me. This means he’ll be meeting my parents and my sister. My sister will love him because they’re both awesome people but I’m quite nervous as to how my parents (especially my mom) will be.. After all, they’re not exactly the nicest people. Yet even through this, Blake is still willing to come down, just to make sure I’m ok. I didn’t know it was possible that I would ever find someone who cared enough about me to brave my family.. This will help a lot.
Also, I SHOULD be getting my car this weekend when I’m home. I’m rather nervous about that situation because I talked to my parents about it weeks ago and they were supposed to just check into a used one (I sent a list over 15 cars that were all at dealers and under $5,000) that would work. I told them it didn’t matter what kind I just needed on that works. Three weeks later and two days before I’m coming to pick it up, they still haven’t gotten one. Dad claims it’s still possible but I’m getting really nervous.. as I really really need this now. Before now really.
I knew I couldn’t trust my parents with this.. but I had no other choice.. :/
Then Saturday morning we will all (Me, Blake and Sonjay) got to Michael’s house and help with some sort of fundraiser. I love Michael’s family and it’s been a while since seeing them so that part of the weekend will be lovely.
This should be…interesting.
One of you lovely subscribers the other day asked me to write a post about how I met my boyfriend – this is that post. :)
As most good things do, this story starts with Doctor Who. (No, I’m not kidding, I met almost all of my friends from this year because of Doctor Who.)
The first weekend of September, series 7 of Doctor Who premiered, Asylum of the Daleks. Several of my high school friends had driven up to watch it with me and we were having a great time in the basement of my dorm where the cable TV was. After hanging out there a while before it started, four people we didn’t know came down to watch it as well. They seemed pretty neat, we exchanged names (Blake, Sonjay, Ben and Hailey, were theirs). They seemed neat but after Doctor Who they went back to their respective rooms (I found out later they were all on the first floor and I was on the third) and I thought nothing of it again.
A month went by and it was a weekend I was prepared to be bored for. Literally everyone I had ever hung out with at my university had picked that weekend to go home, so I sat out in my lobby and prepared to watch TV and Tumblr for a couple of days. While I was out there, about 6 people came up the elevator and were going to play a card game with David, a guy on my floor who I knew somewhat and seemed cool. When they saw me sitting alone, they invited me to play with them, which then led to going to Burger King and hanging out. While at Burger King I found out they were all huge nerds, most of them into Doctor Who and all my other fandoms and we all had a lot in common. Through talking, I also found out that 4 of them were the 4 I had met that Doctor Who premiere.
After that night at Burger King, all of us hung out nearly every night and each weekend we would all have movie nights at Andrew and James’ apartment and just do nerdy stuff a lot.
I became close with a lot of them during that time, even dating Andrew briefly but that didn’t work out and we broke up just before Christmas break. During the break, I was lonely at home without people and took to texting several of the group nearly all the time. By the time we got back to school, we had all somehow become inseparable and if we weren’t in class or work or asleep (sometimes even while asleep…) we were in Michael’s single room, hanging out. We weren’t friends anymore, we had far surpassed that and became the closest of families.
If one of us needed anything, the others were there. I felt sick, Michael got me medicine, I was cold, Blake made me tea. We were all inseparable.
As the weeks passed, I started getting closer to Blake, learning his love of Doctor Who, Firefly, Star Wars, Supernatural, Sherlock and really everything I care about. At the end of January, when I decided to cut off my hair and leave a Padawan braid, Blake and I started going to the gym on campus, in the racquetball courts and lightsaber dueling intensely. After that we joined the fencing team (though after a while we got lazy and gave up there…) and through all that we got closer and closer.
After a while Hailey told me she and Sonjay thought he liked me, but I didn’t believe her, why would he? Then our friend Becca, who was at a school 2 hours away so she wasn’t even with us, wrote on my wall, “Dearest Hope, please marry Blake for me.”, which got liked by all of our group, I was still doubtful, then my coworker Jenni, who didn’t know any of my friends, just based on stories told me, “Hope, within a few weeks you’ll be dating that boy.” I told her no way and forgot about it,
On Valentine’s Day, all of our group went to Applebees for dinner for “Single Awareness Day”, before we left, Blake gave me a Valentine he had made that was the single sweetest thing I’ve ever seen, incorporating my fandoms and just being adorable. I still was just ignoring the signs. Then, about a week later, Blake asked me on a date. I agreed, though still a bit wary, I didn’t believe in love after all, and if it existed, why would it happen to me?
I went anyways, we went to Noodles and Company for dinner and I had a great time. Afterwards, we became nearly inseparable, though I was still unwilling to call us a couple.
He asked me to be his girlfriend a few days later and I told him I liked him a lot but I was scared of relationships and that I was sorry. Being the amazing person he is, he told me to take as long as I needed and that he would be there waiting whenever I was ready.
I was ready February 23, 2013. I said I wanted to be his girlfriend and here, almost 8 months later, I’m in love.
It’s real and it’s happening to me and I’ve never been so happy.
These 8 months have been the happiest of my entire life.
Things I dislike:
- The cold
- Large social settings
- Calling people
Things I love:
- Watching TV
- Being with the people I care about
- Rain and thunder
Things I am:
- Jesus Freak
- Lover of People
Things I need to remember:
- God loves me
- My friends love me
- I am worth love
- I am not terrible
- I have talents
- I can do things
I’m so done with school. We’re 4 days in and I’m already super stressed and just want to be done and have a billion things to read. NONE OF THIS EVEN MATTERS TO ME AT ALL.
I’m paying thousands of dollars out of pocket and a hundred dollars for books and supplies and I’m not even learning anything useful and I just feel like I’m wasting money and time.
And I’m going home this weekend and I feel literally sick to my stomach about it I hate going home and I don’t know why I agreed to do this. And now I guess my grandma is in the hospital so it’ll be even worse because I’ll just be at the hospital the whole time.
And apparently no one in my family even cares because I’ve been a senior for 4 days now and it hasn’t even been mentioned and I know they don’t actually care about me but they could at least try if they’re going to pull the sob story about how much I don’t care about them and act like they love me so much.
I’m just tired.. Tired of doing stuff. College is exhausting.
And so is missing people… I miss Blake so much it hurts. Skype doesn’t help, texting doesn’t help, I want to be back in his arms. I want to stop feeling this pain and just be with him and be happy again.
I’ve always enjoyed writing but I rarely have ideas. I’m not creative enough to create worlds or beautiful stories that change the lives of people reading. That won’t ever be me, but I still enjoy it.
I enjoy writing out my thoughts, venting, just getting it all out, somehow it helps clear my head. I don’t have beautiful ways of saying things, or interesting stories to tell or poetry to write, but I will continue to do it anyways.
Right now, there’s not a lot on my mind, not a lot people want to read about anyways.
I’m thinking about my family. How much it hurts, how much I don’t want to go back and how much I wish I could get my sister out of there and just never have contact with our parents again. I’m thinking how much I wish things were different, how they were loving and caring and weren’t spiteful and heartless.
I’m thinking (months ahead of time, but it’s bothering me regardless) how much I wish decisions were easy. I wish I could just not go home for holidays and it be ok and not end up hurting my sister in the process.
I’m thinking about how glad I am school is starting soon and friends will start returning.
I’m thinking about the friends who won’t return, who’ve graduated or transferred and who I don’t know if I’ll ever see again.
I’m thinking of my boyfriend, who I love so much. How glad I am he’s been able to visit for a week before going home and we’ll be apart for a year, with only short visits in between.
I’m thinking of how attached I’ve become again to him always being at my side, always available to hug and kiss and to make me smile.
I’m thinking of the sleepy way he looks when he’s stayed up all night but drives me to work anyways, how adorable it is.
I’m thinking of how he looks at me when I’ve been sleeping and he accidentally wakes me up and he looks at me more lovingly than I knew anyone could and whispers how much he loves me and how beautiful I am.
I’m thinking of how in love I am and how much things have changed in the past few months, I went from never thinking anyone would care about me to being happily in love with the most perfect of boyfriends.
I’m thinking how glad I am that though my blood family sucks, I have been blessed with the most amazing family of friends who cares about me and loves me and legitimately wants to spend time with me.
This was the last weekend here before most people leave for the summer.
From past experiences this also means this was the last weekend that people care. Everyone always promises things will be the same and we’ll all stay friends but I’m always forgotten anyways. The rest of the group usually does but I’m unimportant, easily forgotten and never talked to.
I don’t want that to happen again. My friends from this year are the best I’ve ever had and for just once I want it to stay that way.
I told myself not to care again but its too late for that now.
I want to just enjoy the few days I have left but I can’t stop worrying. It’s ridiculous.