Dear Future Husband,
Well, it’s finally come. This afternoon, after months of longing for it I will finally be home. And by home I mean away from my family, back with my college family/friends, the people who’ve shown they actually do care. I’ve been at my parent’s house with my family this past week and it’s been the usual depressing place. I’ve again been told I’m terrible, told that I only think of myself, told that no one really loves me, all the usual stuff from my mom. This time though since it was just a week it didn’t seem as dim and dark, yes, it got me down unfortunately but God is so good. He showed me, especially two nights ago at church that in my uniqueness He can use me for His good, He loves me and accepts me and I’m valuable. I know that whoever you are out there, that He’s made it so you’ll think that way too. I don’t see how anyone could feel that way personally but I’m actually starting to believe you’re out there and that God made us to be together. I can’t wait.
I love you already.
Hope Kristen ♥
From To My Future Spouse Tumblr:
– Whomever you are, I want you. Not some perfect prince that every movie and book tells me you should be. I want the complexity that comes with a real man. I want the struggle to learn each other and the joy of discovering parts of who you are. I want to know your embrace. I want real life and all its unexpected complications that will test our relationship. I want the days when we just laugh together. I want to be able to cry while you hold me and to have water balloon wars. I want you and only you.
– “Be a best friend, tell the truth, and overuse ‘I love you’.
Go to work, do your best, don’t outsmart your common sense.
Never let your prayin knees get lazy and love like crazy.
Always treat your woman like a lady, never get too old to call her baby.
Never let your prayin knees get lazy and love like crazy.”
I want a love like this.
– You wouldn’t mind us staying in, cuddling up, and just watching Toy Story or something would you?
– Please be my Augustus Waters. You know, minus the dying.
Your very own Hazel Grace (NOOOOOOOOO!!! ALL THE FEELS!! BUT YES!! THIS EXACTLY!)
– Be a man of God. A man who shows emotion and loves me. A man who will never hurt me. But most importantly be the man I will grow old with.
– I will live my life for God. Not for a future idea that may or may not happen. I hope you do the same.
Whatever God has planned for me, He will reveal to me in His time. As He will for you.
I will not idolize you, nor fantasize about scenarios that haven’t happened nor may never happen because that’s not what God wants.
I will continue to love others as God has commanded me and I will continue to accept love.
I will live a full life of love in front of the almighty God of love.
I will be the best friend of all people that I can possibly be.
And maybe, maybe, God willing, I will have a spouse.
But I’m willing to give my all to anyone who will dance with me.
– I need you. Now. Everything seems to be falling apart. But you are the reason why I am determined to get through all of this. I love you, always.
– It’s likely that you’ll never know when something is bothering me. But I’m working on sharing myself with you. I’ll get better. I promise.
This is what always happens. I always care so much for others and either they don’t seem to care at all or I just care way more for them than they do me. It’s quite sad really and I wish it would stop happening. My parents don’t seem to care, the couple of relationships I’ve had in the past with guys have ended with them basically telling me they never cared at all and in the past few months I’ve come to realize that friends that told me they would be there forever, the friends who were closer than siblings don’t care at all anymore, I’ve been reduced to less important than a hair and nail appointment, from a “best friend” and “sister” who I haven’t seen in 5 years. I wish I knew what I was doing wrong and yes, I know this is another angsty post but the combination of being home and losing friends I was promised forever has made me quite a bit angsty, I promise I’ll try to do better the rest of the week. But I just wish I knew what to change, I love caring about people, making people happy and feel loved and cared for is my favorite thing to do but for once I wish someone cared enough to make me feel that way. Ok, that statement wasn’t entirely fair, I do have wonderful friends that I know are there for me always but I’m tired of finding out that I’m not worth caring about. I’m tired of losing people who mean the world to me. I just want someone to care about me as much as I care about them, to text me randomly and ask how I’m doing or just to say hey. And again, I do have some close friends who do that and I’m so very thankful for them, but some the people who mean the most to me and I’ve known the longest, and the ones I care the most for always seem to leave. The ones who said they’d be there forever, forever sure is a shorter time than I had always thought I guess.
Again, I’m sorry for the angst, I’ll try to stop it, I told myself I wouldn’t complain, and I’m trying not to, but when all I want to do is sit and cry and sleep for the rest of the break, I had to get my feelings out somehow.
Starting yesterday I now have this whole week off of school for Thanksgiving break. While I’m not uber excited about being home for a whole week, I am quite glad to be away from classes and work, it was definitely time for a break! I don’t really have many plans for the week, other than writing a paper for my Domestic Violence class, sleeping a lot and hanging out with friends as much as I can! I got back home yesterday then went to church this morning where I got to see some of my friends which of course was lovely! Tomorrow I’m probably just going to write my paper and later this week I’ll be hanging out with my friends for my birthday which is this Saturday. Thursday of course is Thanksgiving which my parents, my sister and I will be spending at my grandparents house a few blocks away from our house. Though I’ve been dreading coming home hopefully this week won’t be too terrible. I mean, today and yesterday evening wasn’t the best with my family but I’m trying to stay strong and I did sorta stand up to my mom last night. I definitely just need to remember that no matter what happens and how much my parents put me down, God is always here for me and has a wonderful plan for my life.
I’m currently filling out an application to work at the church camp that I’ve attended and loved for several years now. It’s always been my dream to be a cabin leader and now, I finally have a shot. While filling out this very long application, I came across one of the essay questions, “What do you believe about Jesus? Who is Jesus in your life?” and I really had to sit back and think about how to answer that. How do you explain your best friend and Savior of your life in 300-500 words? How do you sum up how He has changed your entire life and saved you from your sins? It might seem like an easy question at first glance but really it’s not at all. After a while though, I think I finally came up with a decent answer so I decided to share with all of you, my lovely readers, who my Jesus is to me. There’s so much more I want to say about Him, but I think for now, this will sum it up.
I believe that Jesus is the Son of God and the Lord and Savior of the world. I believe that He was born of a virgin, grew up as a mere human then was killed on the cross for claiming to be God’s son. Most importantly I believe that three days after his death on the cross, Jesus was resurrected from the dead and ascended into Heaven where He is now preparing a place for me and all others that are children of Christ. It sounds cliché to say it, but quite honestly Jesus is my best friend. Unlike everyone else in this world, Jesus is always there for me no matter what. In times of trial, joy, sadness or despair, it doesn’t matter; I know that no matter what, I can always talk to Him about anything. He is my all in all, the one person who will never leave me and the one I can count on for anything. Many times in my life when I have felt sad and alone or just needed someone to talk to, I have happily turned to Jesus. Being able to talk to your best friend at any time about any situation is one of the most encouraging things one can experience, and the fact that my best friend is also the son of God and Savior of the world just makes it all the better. Jesus is also my Savior, He saved me by dying on the cross for my sin, a penalty that no one should ever have to take but one that He took willingly because of the love He has for me. Thinking about all that Jesus has done for me is always super encouraging because it just shows the love He has for everyone, He is the Son of the King of Kings yet He cares for all of us so much that He was willing to be brutally murdered on a cross just to save us from what we deserve for our sin. To sum up my beliefs about Jesus, I believe that Jesus along with God the Father is love, true love, not the shallow love of this world and because of that love He was willing to die to save us all and because of His sacrifice, He also made it so anyone who accepts His free gift of eternal life can also have a relationship with Him enabling us to talk to Him at any time.
“I have decided to follow Jesus, I have decided to follow Jesus, I have decided to follow Jesus. No turning back, no turning back.”
“Prone to wander, Lord I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love.”
Again with the parents. Again, skip if you don’t want to hear (or I guess read about it…) but I have to get it out. Tonight it was about my appearance and personality. I hate chick flicks, I always have, I just think they’re too angsty and sappy. They’ve known this for years, I’ve never liked them with the exception of the occasional few romantic comedies (Emphasis on the comedy). They’ve known this but tonight they decided to tell me that I really need to start liking them and be softer because no guy is going to like a girl that’s “Hard and tough”. Um…. I’m not hard or tough… Just because I don’t like chick flicks doesn’t mean anything. And last I checked, guys don’t like girls who are over girly and pansies. Correct me if I’m wrong here please but oh my goodness… Then they started in on my appearance. Apparently, no guy, at least no nice guy would even look twice at a girl who has dyed hair and a nose ring. I “used to look so pretty” before I did this to myself. Hmm. Funny how I thought they had always told me to be myself and not change for anyone. If a guy doesn’t like who I am then why would I want to be with them anyways?
And they act like I’m not trying here, I am! I want to have a guy who cares about me and loves me like that, it just hasn’t happened yet. It’s not because of anything I’m doing, it’s because God’s plan obviously doesn’t include that yet.
Mom keeps complaining how I didn’t meet very many guys at college and by the time she was finished with her freshman year she had met “hundreds” of guys. Ok, well college has OBVIOUSLY changed because I did everything I could! I went to Bible study every Tuesday and Thursday night (besides the nights I had to work), I went to church on Sundays, I went to all the events the three dorms in my complex put on. I have lots of guy acquaintances at college, just not too many guy friends. It’s not my fault but mom’s just sure it is.
At least I only have a month and a half left of summer now. It’s so depressing to be at home. :(
Sorry I didn’t write yesterday, I was a bit busy coming home and packing up the car and such. As expected it was not really a good time but I got through it and other than mom telling me she wished I wasn’t coming home, I was escaped relatively unscathed.
Today was actually quite lovely though. I got up and unpacked almost all of my stuff. The only problem with that was now I’m wondering how on earth it all fit in my room so nicely before? It’s quite a problem but I guess I’ll get it all sorted.
Then about 4:30, my sister and I went and picked up my friend Tat and headed off to some friends graduation parties. It was so much fun! It was amazing seeing most of my friends again, since of course I had missed them dearly and then we ended up joining our friends TJ and Daniel in our party-hopping adventures. For those of you who have seen the show Psych, TJ and Daniel basically ARE Shawn and Gus. They’re literally the funniest people I’ve ever met and together they’re just amazing. It was unbelievably fun hanging out with them all evening.
When I got home I of course went straight to my computer to watch tonight’s Doctor Who that I missed (but I missed it because I was at my bestest friend, Jill’s graduation party so it was alright). Let me just say, oh my. Amazing. This week’s episode literally might be my favorite of all of them! It was fantastic! I mean, of course they always are but this was even better than ever! Ah, speaking of which actually, I met several new Whovians at Jill’s party. I was wearing my Doctor Who shirt (one of them) and they were like, “Whoa! I love your shirt!” So naturally, I whipped out my Sonic Screwdriver and impressed them even further. Good times! :)
Well, I have church in the morning and it is now 12:30am so I should go to bed! Goodnight all!
Today is over! All 3 finals out-of-the-way, I’m finally a sophomore! I don’t yet know what grades I got on my finals so I’m still quite anxious about that but hopefully I did well and now I can stop stressing about that however, due to another conversation with my parents, grades seems the least of my worries for the summer. I can honestly say that if I had any choice on going home, I wouldn’t, at all. I would go anywhere but there. I can’t stand it, I’m just so thankful I have good friends who has said they’ll kidnap me if it gets to bad and a blog where I can let my thoughts out on. Without those things and most importantly God, I’m not going to lie, I would’ve at least self-injured quite a lot. Normally I’m super good at hiding my feelings, if I don’t want you to know how I’m feeling, you would never know, but in the past few weeks, I’ve been so depressed because of my mother that people who barely know me have seen me crying and have known I am depressed. It’s terrible, and I hate, I like hiding my feelings. I hate when others see me cry. My best friends from 2nd grade have only seen me cry twice, and those were both when I was moving away from them.
I don’t like this weakness at all but I can’t stop it. My parents (Especially my mom) don’t even seem to realize what they’re doing to me. Mom keeps reprimanding me on how I’m not respecting her enough, and how I make her feel worthless and how all she does it make sure I’m taken care of. I honestly can’t see any evidence of what’s she’s done for me. Everything I say she just twists around to make me the bad guy. She literally called me, yelled at me, then hung up on me tonight. Then she called my dad crying about how terrible I was to her and he called me and made me apologize. When I talked to her again, she complained about the way I said “I love you” to her the phone call before. Apparently I wasn’t sincere enough and I sounded rude.
I honestly don’t know how I’m going to make it through the summer… No one should ever dread to come home. No one should wish more than anything that they didn’t have to go home again.
Proverbs 15:4 ~ Kind words heal and help; cutting words wound and maim.