Depression isn’t just sadness.
It isn’t something you can fix by finding something to make you happy.
It’s the voice that pulls you out of your happiness,
the voice that makes you worry how things will go wrong soon.
The voice that tells you nothing is good enough.
The voice that whispers to you that no one cares.
The voice that says you don’t deserve to happiness.
There doesn’t have to be a reason to be depressed,
Everything could be perfectly fine until it rears its ugly head.
Telling you to bleed, to slide the blade over your smooth skin once more.
Telling you how worthless and screwed up you are.
Telling you that people who care are a lie, they won’t stick around.
They never do.
People think depression is just sadness,
they tell you to get over it or
they, with good intentions, try to help.
They don’t understand it’s not that easy.
It’s not something you can help.
It’s more than that,
And I don’t know how to stop it.
I’ve been afraid of letting myself feel for a long time, feelings scare me and I’ve been trying to just not feel anything. I told people that I don’t believe in love (And I still really don’t) but I told them that if someone could prove me wrong, I would accept it and be glad they could prove me wrong. I’m not sure I ever believed myself though, I just assumed no one would ever try and prove me wrong so I wouldn’t have to deal with it.
But maybe I was wrong.. Maybe people do care and maybe someone out there could deal with my flaws and think I’m beautiful and care about me.
And maybe they can stop me from feeling afraid and give me someone to care about and like and be happy with.
Maybe there’s something out there after all..
I like him. I like having a hand to hold. Someone who cares. I like having someone who can tease me but cares enough to listen to my serious thoughts too. I like having someone I can spend all my time with and not tire of his company.
It scares me though. I don’t want a relationship. I don’t believe in love. I believe that things like this lead to people getting hurt, me getting hurt doesn’t bother me as much but I can’t hurt him. It won’t work, these things never do. It scares me to know that someone cares about me. It scares me to know that someone wants to spend all their time with me and not tire of me. It scares me that someone tells me I’m awesome and lovable. It scares me that someone wants to take me on dates and hold me in their arms.
I don’t know what to do about it.
WARNING ANGST AHEAD. I just need to get it out though…
I do NOT like living alone. I have far too much time to think. During the week it’s ok, I have work, I see people, I hang out sometimes, but during the weekend I’m alone. My roommate goes home and I literally saw no one today or yesterday. I just get sad with my thoughts. I’m excited for people to be back soon but then I think, what if things changed over the summer? While we were away, what if they like everyone else forgot about me? While they were working at camp and couldn’t communicate with me, what if they decided they didn’t want to? What if we get back and our friendships aren’t the same? I already know things will be completely different since we’re all in different places, but what if they’re like everyone else and they don’t want to hang out, or if we all get to busy to hang out? I can’t stand that thought. I’m scared. I care too much. Always. I need them but they don’t need me. I’m not needed by anyone. I’m just the one that needs. I need to get rid of my feelings.
Found on Tumblr that is exactly how I feel:
– I can’t picture anyone daydreaming about me. I can’t picture someone thinking about me when they’re laying in bed before they fall asleep. I can’t picture anyone telling their friends about me. I can’t picture anyone getting butterflies because I hugged them, or even just because I made eye contact with them. I can’t picture someone smiling because my name lit up their phone. I just can’t.
– I wish I was pretty, or smart, or artistic, or creative, or motivated, or clever…
I wish I was something and I wish I knew what I was if I am something…
all I feel like lately is a failure…
I’m just scared and worried and getting depressed more and more the longer I’m alone. I don’t want to be like this, broken and hurt. I want to help heal others, not need healing. I want to be needed and loved, not be the only one doing the needing. I hate being alone.
Isn’t is weird how you can be happy one day or even one minute and the next completely confused, or sad or even vice versa? Or how you can feel completely sure of something at one moment and then completely confused the next? I just don’t understand, feelings are confusing and I don’t really know how something can change so much so quickly.
I don’t know why feelings are the way they are ever… and I don’t usually like them.
Thank you, God that you are constant and I don’t have to rely on my feelings!
I know I’ve written a lot about fictional characters, and even several times recently but due to events that occurred yesterday, it’s a topic I have to bring back up.
Sunday evening, I was reading the new Ted Dekker book, “Forbidden” and enjoying it immensely as I do with all his books when all of a sudden, one of the characters, my favorite character died! Obviously, since we all know how attached to fictional characters I can be, I was heartbroken. I set down the book and in my anger and sadness about this character death, I was unable to pick it up for the rest of the day to continue. Yesterday at work, I finally picked it back up but first I was explaining my emotional distress to my coworkers when one of them said, “That’s why you don’t ever like fictional characters”. This statement absolutely blew me away, I mean sure, yeah, don’t get as emotionally attached as I am, that makes sense, that’s normal, but don’t even like them? What are you doing with your life if you don’t connect to fictional characters on any level or even like them? Yes, they may be fictional but you can learn so much about yourself through characters and in my opinion life is so much better with love and feelings for them.
I honestly can’t imagine living without feelings for fictional characters but since I am so attached to them, maybe that’s just me and it’s normal not to connect. I don’t think so though, I mean, if it were normal, wouldn’t there be significantly less fictional characters in the world? Anyways, the news that not everyone gets enjoyment out of fictional characters was heartbreaking to me.
What do you all think? Am I unusual or is my coworker?
Thanks for reading!
– I wish that I wasn’t lonely
– I wish I lived my faith to the extent I should
– I wish I was someones first choice
– I wish I wasn’t so angsty
– I wish I had the opportunity to travel now
– I wish I could be more adventurous
– I wish I could be as awesome as the Black Widow when I grow up
– I wish I didn’t have to worry about money
– I wish the one I love loved me in return
– I wish I could control my emotions
– I wish I didn’t have so many feelings
– I wish I wasn’t separated from those I love
– I wish I didn’t care more than others
– I wish I wasn’t always the forgotten one
– I wish I wasn’t jealous
– I wish I wasn’t vulnerable
– I wish I was stronger
– I wish I was thinner
– I wish I was prettier
– I wish I didn’t worry so much
– I wish I could be content with who I am