Nobody Cares When They Ask How Your Weekend Was

Everyone wants you to respond with, “good” or even “it was fine.”

No one wants to know if it was bad.

No one cares that you sat down and cried in a forest so no one could see you.

No one cares that you miss your boyfriend so much it literally hurts you to think about.

No one wants to know you were so lonely and so sad you didn’t leave your couch for five hours.

No one wants to know that even if there had been someone to hang out with you would’ve made an excuse because there’s only one person you wanted to be with.

No one cares that your roommate is terrible and driving you crazy.

When people ask how your weekend was, no one actually wants to know.

In Regards to Miley

In regards to the events at the VMAs, I think we can all agree that it was distasteful, disgusting, vulgar and honestly degrading to Miley herself.

I have several thoughts on the subject:

• Robin Thicke: People keep saying this was his fault and why is no one blaming him and why didn’t he stop her. He was being professional, obviously he couldn’t politely just push her away on National TV but if you compare this performance to ANY of his other performances recently he is usually MUCH more enthusiastic, here he was stone faced and clearly as uncomfortable as the rest of us.
• Slut Shaming: I don’t approve of the fact that it’s called slut shaming because that sounds super hateful but SOMETIMES IT NEEDS TO HAPPEN. If no one says anything about lewd behavior like this, it will continue to happen and will get worse. If no one steps up and says this isn’t ok, HOW WILL PEOPLE KNOW TO STOP?
• Miley: I’m sorry to say this but this whole performance was in part largely due to her parents and our culture. She was clearly begging for attention, that wasn’t a performance like we’re usually used to, this was clearly, 100% begging for attention. How sad is that? This is a girl who grew up in the spotlight, always getting attention, everyone telling her how wonderful she is, there was nothing to keep her grounded at all! Her whole performance was begging us the audience to notice her, to tell her she’s pretty, that she’s sexy. Sure not every child celebrity ends up like that but the majority do, it’s not good.

A Post About Feels I Don’t Know How to Deal With

So… I was looking through my old posts and found this. The day I went Facebook official with Blake I posted this. Oh how much has changed in 6 months. I’ve found love and it is real and it’s amazing. :)

Elvishjesusfreak's Blog

I like him. I like having a hand to hold. Someone who cares. I like having someone who can tease me but cares enough to listen to my serious thoughts too. I like having someone I can spend all my time with and not tire of his company.

It scares me though. I don’t want a relationship. I don’t believe in love. I believe that things like this lead to people getting hurt, me getting hurt doesn’t bother me as much but I can’t hurt him. It won’t work, these things never do. It scares me to know that someone cares about me. It scares me to know that someone wants to spend all their time with me and not tire of me. It scares me that someone tells me I’m awesome and lovable.  It scares me that someone wants to take me on dates and hold me in their arms.

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Feeling

My heart is sad, but happy. Texting is fun but I want to hug you. I want to lean on your shoulder and whisper in your ear that I love you. I want to feel your soft touch a you caress my back. I want to see the look you give me when you think I’m not looking, the look where I can tell how much you care about and love me.
I feel selfish for wanting this when I know I’m lucky to have you, I’m so lucky to have met you, much less that you decided I was worth caring about.
I try not to be selfish in this way but I don’t like you being far away, I want you back here, with me and our friends where you belong.
I miss you so much. I care about you so much, and love you so much, it fills my heart with joy that I finally have you. You were worth all the long, lonely years of waiting and feeling hopeless about finding someone.
We’re perfect for each other and I’m so happy.
I love you.

Thoughts from Right Now

I’ve always enjoyed writing but I rarely have ideas. I’m not creative enough to create worlds or beautiful stories that change the lives of people reading. That won’t ever be me, but I still enjoy it.

I enjoy writing out my thoughts, venting, just getting it all out, somehow it helps clear my head. I don’t have beautiful ways of saying things, or interesting stories to tell or poetry to write, but I will continue to do it anyways.

Right now, there’s not a lot on my mind, not a lot people want to read about anyways.

I’m thinking about my family. How much it hurts, how much I don’t want to go back and how much I wish I could get my sister out of there and just never have contact with our parents again. I’m thinking how much I wish things were different, how they were loving and caring and weren’t spiteful and heartless.

I’m thinking (months ahead of time, but it’s bothering me regardless) how much I wish decisions were easy. I wish I could just not go home for holidays and it be ok and not end up hurting my sister in the process.

I’m thinking about how glad I am school is starting soon and friends will start returning.

I’m thinking about the friends who won’t return, who’ve graduated or transferred and who I don’t know if I’ll ever see again.

I’m thinking of my boyfriend, who I love so much. How glad I am he’s been able to visit for a week before going home and we’ll be apart for a year, with only short visits in between.

I’m thinking of how attached I’ve become again to him always being at my side, always available to hug and kiss and to make me smile.

I’m thinking of the sleepy way he looks when he’s stayed up all night but drives me to work anyways, how adorable it is.

I’m thinking of how he looks at me when I’ve been sleeping and he accidentally wakes me up and he looks at me more lovingly than I knew anyone could and whispers how much he loves me and how beautiful I am.

I’m thinking of how in love I am and how much things have changed in the past few months, I went from never thinking anyone would care about me to being happily in love with the most perfect of boyfriends.

I’m thinking how glad I am that though my blood family sucks, I have been blessed with the most amazing family of friends who cares about me and loves me and legitimately wants to spend time with me.

 

Depression isn’t just sadness.

It isn’t something you can fix by finding something to make you happy.

It’s the voice that pulls you out of your happiness,

the voice that makes you worry how things will go wrong soon.

The voice that tells you nothing is good enough.

The voice that whispers to you that no one cares.

The voice that says you don’t deserve to happiness.

There doesn’t have to be a reason to be depressed,

Everything could be perfectly fine until it rears its ugly head.

Telling you to bleed, to slide the blade over your smooth skin once more.

Telling you how worthless and screwed up you are.

Telling you that people who care are a lie, they won’t stick around.

They never do.

 

People think depression is just sadness,

they tell you to get over it or

they, with good intentions, try to help.

They don’t understand it’s not that easy.

It’s not something you can help.

It’s more than that,

And I don’t know how to stop it.

A Post About Feels I Don’t Know How to Deal With

I like him. I like having a hand to hold. Someone who cares. I like having someone who can tease me but cares enough to listen to my serious thoughts too. I like having someone I can spend all my time with and not tire of his company.

It scares me though. I don’t want a relationship. I don’t believe in love. I believe that things like this lead to people getting hurt, me getting hurt doesn’t bother me as much but I can’t hurt him. It won’t work, these things never do. It scares me to know that someone cares about me. It scares me to know that someone wants to spend all their time with me and not tire of me. It scares me that someone tells me I’m awesome and lovable.  It scares me that someone wants to take me on dates and hold me in their arms.

I don’t know what to do about it.

 

Drowning

I know I’m extremely angsty whenever I’m home and as always I do apologize for that but I’m afraid this time it’s worse and I just need to get it all down so I’m not even sure if this post will make any sense and it’s definitely not that important I just have a lot on my mind right now.

Everything feels wrong. From being home, and mom telling me she wishes I wasn’t here, to all the recent shootings, to a friend trying to kill herself, to nearly everyone I know struggling with depression of some kind, to all the sad stuff that happens on the news every day, to my sister being as depressed and sad as I am, to my boyfriend breaking up with me, to me hating myself completely and hating  that I let down my guard to care about someone when I knew in my heart it wouldn’t work for one reason or another.

I feel extremely worthless and like nothing I can ever do is right and I feel like the world is crashing down around me, and there’s so much pain and suffering and I’m not contributing to help it at all and there’s nothing I feel I can do and I just want it all to stop but I can’t even stop myself from feeling broken and hopeless. I know, I know it’s not true. I know I’m not worthless, and I know all of the right things to say, that God has a plan, and that He has a purpose and I’m here for a reason and that I do do things right and I know all of that in my head but my heart doesn’t know it and I’m just drowning. I feel stuck and sad and I don’t know how to get out.

I feel like mom is right, that no guy will ever love me.

I feel like it’s my fault that I can’t fix those hurting around me. When people I know are hurting I take on their pain and feel it until I can help them not feel it. Which is not healthy probably, for one thing and for another is bad because 99% of the time there is absolutely nothing I or anyone else can do to fix them except be there (Which I ALWAYS am) but I feel terrible until I can.

I feel like I’m alone and will be and that I’m drowning in a sea of sadness.

I hate myself and don’t see anything good about myself at all. Much less what anyone  would see in me that’s worth loving.

I know, I know these are lies and that I shouldn’t feel this way but I can’t seem to stop.

And at this point  even though I don’t have a resolution for these feelings or really feel any better, and even though none of them may ever read this, I have to thank my friends, particularly tonight Megan, Anna, and David.

David has been there for me several times this week in my pain and such and has been an incredible encouragement and really affirmed that I do mean something and that my friends love me and that there is a guy out there somewhere for me, I just have to be patient.

Anna saw a post I had on Tumblr and we started texting and realizing we were feeling the exact same feelings right now and even though neither of us had answers for the other one, talking about our pains somehow made us both feel not quite so alone.

“Reading about the depression of someone you love doesn’t make it easier. Well, it does and doesn’t. It’s something you never want them to go through… but you’re a little glad you’re not alone. Which makes you feel terrible about being happy. What the hell is this.” ~ Anna

Megan was completely and amazingly used by God tonight. She had absolutely no idea any of the things going on in my head at all but at the peak of my apparent mental break down or what it’s been tonight she messaged me on Facebook asking if I was ok and what was going on. I then sorta exploded on her everything that was wrong but being the friend she is she took it all and had me call so she could just pray for me.

So yeah, I’m still drowning and extremely sad and depressed but I know God will provide and show me His plan. And through typing this I’ve actually started to feel a little bit better and more comforted but this world is so sad. I don’t even know.

I do know that God is good and will prevail. And I know that sometimes the family we chose for ourselves, that have also chosen to keep us in their lives, that’s the family that matters. My real family, the family that will prevail. Not my blood relatives, but something deeper and stronger than blood.

Maybe this is the end of the world. Everyone that’s kept the world going stops seeing the good and gives up.

~ Anna (Itscharls) on Tumblr

I just don’t even know what happened, when did I start looking at myself and not seeing someone that God created but someone that is worthless and has nothing good about them? What is happening to the world. What did the happiness go in everyone?

 

A New Perspective

As I feared, my dad refuses to do anything about mom, I briefly talked to him this morning and he refused to acknowledge that she was in the wrong, he just said that all 3 of us clearly weren’t doing right and that’s why she’s not happy with us. It makes me sad a lot. I mean, I’ve been sad for the situation Noelle and I are in but I hadn’t really thought of Dad’s perspective, yes, he is the only one who could stop it from happening and he should man up and do so but he married her, he chose mom and expected to have a happy and loving life. Surely he never expected to live in a place where there’s hardly a happy time to be seen. This has to be as hard if not harder on him than it is on us. I think he’s in denial about it really, just choosing to ignore what’s going on, because if you ignore it then it’s not your fault, it’s not something you have to be responsible for.
I really wish I could do more to help here. I hate being helpless, I need to help my sister and my dad and I have no idea how.
Hope

Maybe

For years now my mom has told me that I’m not worth it, that no one will love me and that I’m generally not good enough in anything and for a long time I’ve believed it, if you know me in real life you probably would never realize I believed it, it’s not something I show, I try to stay strong and invulnerable so you can’t see what I’m thinking but I do. I’m scared to try new things because I’m afraid I’ll be bad at them, proving mom right. I’ve wanted a relationship, someone to like me and see my worth for so long but I’ve never actually believed I had any worth to see. I’ve wanted to be adventurous and try everything new that I’ve never done and prove her wrong but fear has held me back at times (lack of money has held me back at others) and recently I’ve been trying to work through those fears. To realize God has me here for a reason and that He doesn’t make mistakes and I have made progress, I really have. I don’t feel quite as worthless as I once did but in the back of my mind, maybe even where I didn’t know, it’s always been there. That voice telling me I’m not good anything, that mom’s right, no one will ever like me. And it scares me. It makes me scared to be cared for, scared that anyone who starts to be interested in me might get to know the real me and see how unlovable I actually am, after all, most people have left already anyways, why shouldn’t other people? It’s clearly me doing something wrong right?
But maybe I’ve been wrong, maybe there is someone who will care, maybe I can be happy without it going wrong. I need to stop over-thinking, to stop worrying that something will go wrong, stop being paranoid about being happy. Maybe I need to listen more to the quote from The Perks of Being a Wallflower: “Enjoy it. Because it’s happening.”

Maybe.
Hope ♥

I Don’t Understand

I don’t understand how someone can tell their daughter constantly that they’ll never amount to anything, I don’t know how you can look into her sweet, compassionate face and tell her she’s worthless and then turn around and tell us both you’re our biggest fans and you love us. I don’t understand how you can tell us something our whole life and then change your mind the second it’s relevant. My sister is the kindest, most loving person anyone could ever meet and you are destroying her life, there’s a sadness in her that won’t go away and that’s killing her slowly. I hate that you’re doing this to her, you’ve said these things to both of us for years but I took them slightly better than she did, she’s taking these things to heart, completely. You told her she won’t amount to anything and that she’s the reason you’re terminally ill and she believes it, she honestly thinks everything wrong is because of her, she blames herself for all of your crap and I hate it. You’ve destroyed our family and now you’re destroying my sister. There is literally nothing I can do about this and I hate that even more. If I could, I would get her out of your house in a second and we would never return. Just two more years and that will be possible, and don’t worry, we won’t be back to bother you. Ever.

Trying to Think Like the Doctor

As most of you readers know, I’ve struggled for a long time with people leaving, people lie and people leaves constantly. Maybe on one hand can I count the people who’ve actually stayed in my life and proved they care despite the promises all the others have made to stay in my life and be my friends forever. Out of all the people I’ve known in my 20 years of life, that’s not a lot, and it scares me. It terrifies me actually. I want to stop caring, I want to just put all my feelings for anyone away for ever and just not care. Because if I don’t care I can’t get hurt right? I told myself about a month ago that love didn’t exist, that not even real friendships could fully exist without people eventually leaving, I told myself that and promised myself to stop caring, I admit it, I didn’t want to make new friends this year on my new floor because I know they’ll leave, I know they’ll leave along with all the other people I care about already. I have ended up making new friends regardless of that though I admit until recently I hadn’t actually gotten to know them super well because I’m afraid of getting hurt. Again.
This past week though I’ve started getting close with new people, and I’ve started caring again and I’m so scared. I’m petrified that more people I care about will leave.
Luckily, I do still have some friends that care and one in particular who is wise beyond her years and I have quoted on here before because of her wisdom (And will no doubt quote again), was kind enough to give me some wise advice, “Hope I could count on one hand. Like, one finger maybe, maybe, who hasn’t left me one way or another. People do, but that doesn’t make you an island, or the cause. It’s (I think) partially just the stage of life we’re in. Attachment is hard when moving around, settling down, finding yourself, etc. Plus your age group is where all the tough stuff we went through at 15 comes into play for dudes anyway, or when it’s getting resolved anyway, so the majority of them are all whacked out. But there’s the few. The proud. The Whovians and the Trekkies, the loyal ones and the ones that don’t make fun of Star Wars debates. Not necessarily saying all good people are nerds, but I think in our case it applies.
I don’t even know what I ended up saying there. People are good. People are worth weeding through to find the best ones.”
When she said that, I realized she was right, Maybe it’s not my fault, it’s just our world is screwed up and it hurts. But I do try to remember how the Doctor would think of it, he knows the worlds hurt more than anyone… but he still continues caring. Even though literally everyone breaks his heart…
So, because of that, I’m trying to remember that, to care even though it might hurt, and maybe someday I’ll meet someone who won’t leave.
Hope ♥

The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant. ~ The Doctor

Why I love fictional characters: The Doctor

As you all know by now, there are several things that I love with all of my heart, two of those things are of course fictional characters and Doctor Who. So I decided to do some posts regarding why I love specific fictional characters and why they mean what they do to me.
Today’s post (As is obvious I hope by the title) is about the Doctor and why I love him as much as I do.
With the new season of Doctor Who starting up recently and with it getting closer to the Pond’s final episode, I’m getting more and more emotionally invested in this show. Anyways, not the point.
The point here is how much I love the Doctor. Now I figure that’s a pretty obvious character to love, I mean, he’s brilliant, funny, saves the world in each episode, what’s not to love right? (Unless of course you’re a Dalek.) But my love for the Doctor goes deeper than that, I love him in his bad times too, the times when he’s hurt and sad and lonely and angry but not only do I love him for those things, I can connect to him more than I can with a lot of other fictional characters. Obviously I can’t connect on a complete level, I’m not a brilliant alien who saves the world, and I haven’t destroyed races and planets, but when the Doctor, especially the 11th Doctor is being ridiculous, it’s reminiscent of what I do. Most of the times, he’s the most ridiculous person ever, making everyone smile, going out of his way to help people and causing random shenanigans but when you really look into his character and think about it, he’s not always that happy, sure, sometimes he is but some of the times, I think he acts that way because if he’s not acting ridiculous, he’ll be so incredibly sad and lonely that he honestly can’t stand it. Some people don’t understand that feeling but I do completely. People who know me in real life, people who just know me on the surface, would probably say those things about me, that I’m ridiculous and caring and would do anything for others, those things are all true and I really am one of the most ridiculous people around, but sometimes I am ridiculous for those same reasons, because the hurt and loneliness will catch up to me otherwise, I have to be ridiculous, or else I’ll be incredibly sad.
And that, along with countless other reasons is why I not only love the Doctor with my whole heart but why I can also connect to him, because I understand him.
Hope ♥

This will be a good year.

Ah! I’ve been so bad at updating recently! I’m sorry! Work has been crazy so I haven’t been able to update then, and other than that I’ve either been in class or hanging out with my West 5 friends. I’m still struggling with not being over there but it’s gotten better and this weekend has been full of West 5 fun. :) It’s been good to get back in the swing of things and I’ve gotten more encouraged about feeling like this will be a good year. I know that God has a ton planned and honestly I’ve been so excited about it the past couple days I’ve just felt like running around telling everyone how incredible God is but I’ve decided to go a less in your face approach so I don’t scare people away. :)

Jared, Carrie and I. As usual Jared is making a funny face. :)

Connor and Jared

Late Night Thoughts

As I sit writing this it’s almost midnight, I’ll probably end up scheduling it to post later in the morning so I can go back through and edit it more since most times when I write things at night I make some ridiculous typo but I just had to write.
I’m back at home as of last night (the 9th) at about 10pm. After being gone an entire summer and since I’m only home for one week I was really hoping this week would be an improvement from my times at home recently. I had actually had some really good conversations with my mom on the phone while I was alone this summer and I was hoping that me being gone would have actually caused her to care and maybe make it so she would be excited to see me. Yesterday started off well really, I got off work and my dad actually came to pick me up shortly after that. Since at the beginning of summer they had told me to my face that it was a waste of gas for them to come get me or bring me to college and that I wasn’t worth it, I thought this was a significant improvement and my mom texted me enthusiastically saying she was excited I was coming home. I started to be optimistic, started to hope that something had changed inside her, that maybe I wouldn’t be a disappointment to her anymore. Those thoughts changed when she called as Dad and I were on the almost 3 hour drive back home. She asked why it had taken us so long to leave and when I explained that we had stopped to eat dinner she had gotten mad at me that I hadn’t bought the dinner for me and dad. Wait. Hold on, I, the college student completely paying for college on my own who had just gotten done living on her own for the first time who almost completely survived on Ramen this summer because it was cheap was supposed to buy dinner for both me and my dad? When dad offered to take me out since I had just been living on Ramen? That was when my optimism started to disappear. A few hours later after I got home it was completely gone, I was accused of having an attitude and told that she doesn’t understand how I could be so rude to her (All I did was tell her I was tired and wanted to go to bed). Today she accused me of being judgmental, told me I had a terrible work ethic and I hadn’t actually had a hard time this summer because when she was in college she got 3 hours of sleep each night, worked 40 hours a week at one job, 20 at another and took 23 credit hours and never got to hang out with friends. She also tried to guilt me by asking if I was interested in anyone and when I avoided the question she acted hurt. What I don’t understand is why she think I would tell her I was interested in someone when she has told me to my face that no one will ever love me because I have a dyed hair and a nose ring. I just can’t, I don’t like most people to know when I’m interested in someone anyways, much less people who have told me I will never find love.
I was stupid to be optimistic, stupid to think things had changed. Yesterday I had actually been excited to come home, it has been great seeing my sister and I’m excited for the chance to hang out with friend but this week is not shaping up to be a good one. I know God is in control and it is just a week, I can make it, I made it through my depression of being alone this summer with the help of God, now I’ll have to make it through all the pain time with my family brings.
It’s gonna be a long week.
Hope