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A List.

I’m pretty sure it’s not recommended to make lists of how you want your future relationship to be – it can lead to unrealistic expectations and all that, but I’m doing it anyways. Obviously, some are just things I want that are totally up to change, but some are totally non-negotiable.

  • Must love Jesus more than he will ever love me.
  • Must be kind and understanding and respectful and patient to people.
  • Must be a spiritual leader who will help me learn more about Jesus and grow with me.
  • Must be okay with my depression/anxiety and not be scared away by it.
  • Must love at least some of the music (Fall Out Boy) and TV shows I do.
  • Must be up for acting ridiculous and going on dumb adventures.
  • Preferably taller than me.
  • Preferably someone who dresses super hipster but is really a nerd.
  • Maybe also like WWE, or at least be up for watching it with me.
  • Preferably feel the same as I do about Sonic, IHOP and Taco Bell, or at least support me in these food habits.
  • It would be hecka rad if this hypothetical future boy had tattoos.
  • Oh I hope he loves cats or at least is okay with cats.
  • I also hope my crazy/mean mother doesn’t scare him away.

This is a dumb thing to make a list of when I’m more single than I’ve ever been but hey, I’m at work in the middle of the night and have a lot of time to write what’s in my head.

Plus I’m pretty sure I maybe have one reader on here?


I wish I knew how to love myself. I wish I knew how to stop loving him.

It’s weird, knowing things objectively – like, we don’t belong together, this break up is for the best, I’m worthy of love because Jesus loves me, things like that, but not being able to truly know them.  I don’t see anything good in myself – I really never have and I want to but don’t know how to begin.

It’s a month today – I’m sitting in my room eating ice cream and crying. This week will actually be good, I have a lot of plans and things will be good. Right now- 11pm by myself, this is not good. I want healing to be easier. I want to be the person God wants me to be and I wish I knew how to do all of those things.

Growing up and having a broken heart is so much harder than one would imagine.

My Heart is Tired

I miss him. A lot. How do you stop loving someone who was with you every step of the way for a year and a half? How do you make yourself forget? How do you stop associating everything you did together with him? How do I start healing? I thought I was doing better but when he texted me yesterday wanting to still be friends I quickly learned that wasn’t the case.

I was working out when I recieved the text, I planned on staying at the gym longer but then I completely lost it as I read his text, I had to leave immediately where I just sat in my car and sobbed. He realized a couple texts in that I wasn’t ready, and apologized for not giving me enough time. He’s a good guy and I do want to be friends with him eventually, but that’s my problem. He’s a great guy, a guy I thought I would marry, the first guy I ever truly loved and the guy that taught me so much. It’s going to take time.. so much time.

I’m broken and I hate it. I’m so lonely and if I’m not at work and people are busy, I don’t even have anything to distract me. No more school, no projects or papers to keep my mind at ease. And everyone is busy or far away. I have friends that try to hang out when possible but 90% of the time I’m alone and I don’t know how to be alone.

Someone help me.

Oh how I find, that every subtle thing screams your name.

I haven’t used this blog in so long, I had nearly forgotten about it..

Last time I wrote I was falling in love for the first time, I was happy though dealing with a lot. I was a girlfriend. A student. A brunette.  Now I’m none of those things.

I think I might get back to writing here because I have so much on my mind that I simply can’t discuss with people (not necessarily because they won’t care but because I don’t know how to get it out.) and I can’t use my Tumblr for all of these.

More details to come later but a quick summary: I’ve recently had a breakup. It hurts. It hurts more than I knew. 3 days shy of a year and 7 months. He told me we would marry someday, apparently not. He said he’d be there, apparently not. – This happened three weeks ago and honestly I feel lost. I’ve never been in this much pain before, nothing like this has ever happened. Which I suppose sounds immature, I’m upset over a boy, I’m 22 I have my whole life ahead of me, relationships come and go. – I do know all of that but it doesn’t make it hurt less. Now I actually know why they call it heartbreak. Because it hurts and feels like you’ll never be okay again. It feels like you can’t go on. You know that something another human has done shouldn’t cause this much pain but it does. Then weeks go by and people seem to expect you to be okay- and some days you feel like you are. Some days are okay, some even good but then a memory, a waft of emotion will float by and you’ll feel broken again.

That’s where I’m at.

The Weekend

Tomorrow after class, I have my first day of my internship which is quite exciting! I’m so close to reaching my dream I can taste it. :)

After that, Sonjay and I are driving to Wichita to help our friend Michael and his mom with a fundraiser on Saturday, because we’re not needed til Saturday, he’s dropping me off at my house Friday evening and he’ll be staying with Becca. Because my house sucks and because he’s the best in the world, Blake is being amazing and coming down with us and staying at my house with me.  This means he’ll be meeting my parents and my sister. My sister will love him because they’re both awesome people but I’m quite nervous as to how my parents (especially my mom) will be.. After all, they’re not exactly the nicest people. Yet even through this, Blake is still willing to come down, just to make sure I’m ok. I didn’t know it was possible that I would ever find someone who cared enough about me to brave my family.. This will help a lot.

Also, I SHOULD be getting my car this weekend when I’m home. I’m rather nervous about that situation because I talked to my parents about it weeks ago and they were supposed to just check into a used one (I sent a list over 15 cars that were all at dealers and under $5,000) that would work. I told them it didn’t matter what kind I just needed on that works. Three weeks later and two days before I’m coming to pick it up, they still haven’t gotten one. Dad claims it’s still possible but I’m getting really nervous.. as I really really need this now. Before now really.

I knew I couldn’t trust my parents with this.. but I had no other choice.. :/

Then Saturday morning we will all (Me, Blake and Sonjay) got to Michael’s house and help with some sort of fundraiser. I love Michael’s family and it’s been a while since seeing them so that part of the weekend will be lovely.

This should be…interesting.



The Meeting

One of you lovely subscribers the other day asked me to write a post about how I met my boyfriend – this is that post. :)

As most good things do, this story starts with Doctor Who. (No, I’m not kidding, I met almost all of my friends from this year because of Doctor Who.)

The first weekend of September, series 7 of Doctor Who premiered, Asylum of the Daleks.  Several of my high school friends had driven up to watch it with me and we were having a great time in the basement of my dorm where the cable TV was. After hanging out there a while before it started, four people we didn’t know came down to watch it as well.  They seemed pretty neat, we exchanged names (Blake, Sonjay, Ben and Hailey, were theirs). They seemed neat but after Doctor Who they went back to their respective rooms (I found out later they were all on the first floor and I was on the third) and I thought nothing of it again.

A month went by and it was a weekend I was prepared to be bored for. Literally everyone I had ever hung out with at my university had picked that weekend to go home, so I sat out in my lobby and prepared to watch TV and Tumblr for a couple of days. While I was out there, about 6 people came up the elevator and were going to play a card game with David, a guy on my floor who I knew somewhat and seemed cool. When they saw me sitting alone, they invited me to play with them, which then led to going to Burger King and hanging out.  While at Burger King I found out they were all huge nerds, most of them into Doctor Who and all my other fandoms and we all had a lot in common. Through talking, I also found out that 4 of them were the 4 I had met that Doctor Who premiere.

After that night at Burger King, all of us hung out nearly every night and each weekend we would all have movie nights at Andrew and James’ apartment and just do nerdy stuff a lot.

I became close with a lot of them during that time, even dating Andrew briefly but that didn’t work out and we broke up just before Christmas break.  During the break, I was lonely at home without people and took to texting several of the group nearly all the time. By the time we got back to school, we had all somehow become inseparable and if we weren’t in class or work or asleep (sometimes even while asleep…) we were in Michael’s single room, hanging out. We weren’t friends anymore, we had far surpassed that and became the closest of families.

If one of us needed anything, the others were there. I felt sick, Michael got me medicine, I was cold, Blake made me tea. We were all inseparable.

As the weeks passed, I started getting closer to Blake, learning his love of Doctor Who, Firefly,  Star Wars, Supernatural, Sherlock and really everything I care about. At the end of January, when I decided to cut off my hair and leave a Padawan braid, Blake and I started going to the gym on campus, in the racquetball courts and lightsaber dueling intensely. After that we joined the fencing team (though after a while we got lazy and gave up there…) and through all that we got closer and closer.

After a while Hailey told me she and Sonjay thought he liked me, but I didn’t believe her, why would he? Then our friend Becca, who was at a school 2 hours away so she wasn’t even with us, wrote on my wall, “Dearest Hope, please marry Blake for me.”, which got liked by all of our group, I was still doubtful, then my coworker Jenni, who didn’t know any of my friends, just based on stories told me, “Hope, within a few weeks you’ll be dating that boy.” I told her no way and forgot about it,

On Valentine’s Day, all of our group went to Applebees for dinner for “Single Awareness Day”, before we left, Blake gave me a Valentine he had made that was the single sweetest thing I’ve ever seen, incorporating my fandoms and just being adorable. I still was just ignoring the signs. Then, about a week later, Blake asked me on a date. I agreed, though still a bit wary, I didn’t believe in love after all, and if it existed, why would it happen to me?

I went anyways, we went to Noodles and Company for dinner and I had a great time. Afterwards, we became nearly inseparable, though I was still unwilling to call us a couple.

He asked me to be his girlfriend a few days later and I told him I liked him a lot but I was scared of relationships and that I was sorry.  Being the amazing person he is, he told me to take as long as I needed and that he would be there waiting whenever I was ready.

I was ready February 23, 2013. I said I wanted to be his girlfriend and here, almost 8 months later, I’m in love.

It’s real and it’s happening to me and I’ve never been so happy.

These 8 months have been the happiest of my entire life.



September 27, 2013 ~ Dear Future Husband

I told myself love didn’t exist. I told myself that no one would ever care. That no one would ever think I’m beautiful, or even attractive. I told myself that I was fine with that, that it didn’t matter and I could just live off of friendships.

I’ve had a longing for more in my heart for a long time but I thought I could ignore it, because who would ever look at me and think they wanted to be with me? Who would hold me when I was crying? Comfort me when I’m upset? No one. I thought.

I’ve found love now.  I have no idea whether it’s you or not, I hope so, if that’s not bad to say.

Love is beautiful, much, much better than I could have imagined.