I serve a rad God.
The past few months have been hard – really hard. I’ve struggled with being in a job I hate, I’ve lost a best friend to a lot of crap and pain and hurt and I lost the boy I thought I would marry. During those times though, God never once failed me, He has never looked at me and I thought I was too much work, He has never seen me crying out and thought I was too annoying or too broken or too anything – I am His child, and He has loved me throughout.
Since September, 90% of my life has changed but while a lot of it was extremely painful, so much of it has also been a beautiful growing experience. I know 100% who my real family is, the friends who will drop everything to come make sure I’m okay, to bring me ice cream when I’m down, to watch movies with me so I’m not alone to just love me and be with me – the ones who really care. And that’s.. beautiful. That’s something I’ve never had before. I have been loved many ways throughout my life but not like this, I’m usually the side character, the replaceable friend, not the “drop everything for” friend and having this kind of love is, it turns out, a beautiful blessing.
I admit before these hard months I wasn’t necessarily practicing my faith as I should have, I had faltered, gotten away from where I should be and just been too stressed and busy trying to make my own way. (Which is dumb, I can’t do that)
I’m still so far away from where I should be but I’m learning, I’m growing and I’m leaning on God so much more than ever, not just in the hard times but now that things are getting better too.
God brought me His son and this amazing church family and friends outside of church too that love me even though I don’t know why.
God, I don’t deserve anything. I panic, I freak out and I definitely don’t trust but here I am, being taken care of anyways.
Better.
This week has been.. bad. Like, extraordinarily bad. I’ve been heartbroken for a month now, learning to be single again, learning to get over love, all that. I’m bad at it – really bad. I thought I was doing okay, or getting to okay at least but then he texted me- out of the blue he texted me and it destroyed me again and killed my entire week. He was just asking how I was and soon realized it was too soon but it killed me and led to me crying in my car for 20 minutes in a parking lot.
On top of that – it’s midterm week – ALL of my friends were busy. I’ve been lonely anyways but this was extraordinarily painful – no one to hang out with for a week straight – work, go home, Netflix (which even I am getting bored of), go to sleep, repeat. It’s been horrendous as someone who can’t be alone because I think too much, cry too much, do nothing but feel bad for myself. Depression is bad alone, but everything else on top of it, man. I’m at the point where if I was held at gun point, (NOT THAT I WANT TO DIE) I would not even protest.
BUT. I went to Bible study last night and MAN. The lesson was ON POINT. Okay? We talked about God’s timing and the pastor took words straight out of my mind, “Do you feel heartbroken, lonely, not going anywhere, in a rut? Do you feel like you’re just not where you should be with relationships or careers?” (Um, yes, all of the above actually?) and he talked about and reminded me of just what I need to be CONSTANTLY remembering. God is here. No matter what. There’s no reason He has to be- He doesn’t need us but he NEVER leaves us and is constantly working to make our lives better. When things aren’t going our way that just means He has something planned that is SO MUCH more than we can imagine.
So that was refreshing and a good thing to remember but I’m still just like feeling awful and lonely because I do that in my head and my brain just lies to me a lot about people caring. So there it is, last song of church and I’m just sitting there praying, “God, please just calm my anxiety and comfort me and make me not feel so alone. Next week people will be less busy, I can wait a couple days to see people again.” BOOM. Second I finish praying is when church ends so I pick up my phone and check it, I have two texts, a missed called, a Facebook message and a Snapchat from two friends telling me to get over to Taco Bell so we can hang out.
Man, God’s timing is always good and comforting but THAT. I am constantly amazed by Him and I need to remember how much bigger He is than me and how well He plans my future.
An End of Summer Update
Sorry for the recent more sappy posts I have just needed to write what’s on my mind and only had here to do so.
As you have, I assume, noticed I have fallen in love since I last gave you any real update, its amazing.
In other news, and the reason I haven’t posted much this summer is I have actually been having a good, fun summer hanging out with friends. Its been lovely.
Also, I’ll be starting my senior year in a week which is odd, honestly, I’ll be a college graduate in May.
So yeah, that’s not a very good update for now but that’s basically what’s happening.
Talk to you all later.
Thoughts from Right Now
I’ve always enjoyed writing but I rarely have ideas. I’m not creative enough to create worlds or beautiful stories that change the lives of people reading. That won’t ever be me, but I still enjoy it.
I enjoy writing out my thoughts, venting, just getting it all out, somehow it helps clear my head. I don’t have beautiful ways of saying things, or interesting stories to tell or poetry to write, but I will continue to do it anyways.
Right now, there’s not a lot on my mind, not a lot people want to read about anyways.
I’m thinking about my family. How much it hurts, how much I don’t want to go back and how much I wish I could get my sister out of there and just never have contact with our parents again. I’m thinking how much I wish things were different, how they were loving and caring and weren’t spiteful and heartless.
I’m thinking (months ahead of time, but it’s bothering me regardless) how much I wish decisions were easy. I wish I could just not go home for holidays and it be ok and not end up hurting my sister in the process.
I’m thinking about how glad I am school is starting soon and friends will start returning.
I’m thinking about the friends who won’t return, who’ve graduated or transferred and who I don’t know if I’ll ever see again.
I’m thinking of my boyfriend, who I love so much. How glad I am he’s been able to visit for a week before going home and we’ll be apart for a year, with only short visits in between.
I’m thinking of how attached I’ve become again to him always being at my side, always available to hug and kiss and to make me smile.
I’m thinking of the sleepy way he looks when he’s stayed up all night but drives me to work anyways, how adorable it is.
I’m thinking of how he looks at me when I’ve been sleeping and he accidentally wakes me up and he looks at me more lovingly than I knew anyone could and whispers how much he loves me and how beautiful I am.
I’m thinking of how in love I am and how much things have changed in the past few months, I went from never thinking anyone would care about me to being happily in love with the most perfect of boyfriends.
I’m thinking how glad I am that though my blood family sucks, I have been blessed with the most amazing family of friends who cares about me and loves me and legitimately wants to spend time with me.
My Life in Facebook Statuses (Part 6)
May 20 – Oh wow I’m bad at running. But, for the 5th time of willingly running in my whole life, it was better than expected. Thanks for pushing me, Tia I WILL be in shape come the start of school! (HA! HA! HA! I haven’t run since that week…)
May 21 – TLC shows literally make me want to extinguish the whole human race. *Facepalm* Humanity, what have you done?
May 22 – What did Hitler say before he died? “I did Nazi that coming!”
May 23 – I have successfully re-watched 3 seasons of Arrested Development in 3 days. My TV watching skills prevail again! New season on Sunday and in 5 minutes I have a 4 day weekend! Excellent! :)
May 26 – Working out is hard. *dies*
May 28 – Krystal: Do you want to walk with me to my car?
Me: Yeah, because tornadoes avoid people in groups.
Ben: I mean, look at the wizard of Oz, that just happened because Dorothy was alone.
May 29 – Ok, I just learned that more people are bitten each year by New Yorkers than by sharks. What I don’t know about this information, is if that means there are a lot of New Yorkers biting people, or a small amount of sharks biting people..
May 30 – “There’s a lot of things you need to get across this universe. Warp drive… wormhole refractors… You know the thing you need most of all? You need a hand to hold.” ~ The Doctor
June 1 – Real friends spend time together by all being on their laptops at once. – With Tia and Sonjay
June 1 – Dear Matt Smith, It’s been a beautiful 4 years, I’ve loved every second of it and quickly you became the Doctor closest to my heart. You’ve made me laugh, cry and feel I could be a hero. I’m not ready for you to go but I know you feel it’s your time. Since that is the way the show works, I’m looking forward to who will be next but I’ll miss you and you will always be in my heart.
You were fantastic.
Love,
Hope
June 2 –
Me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!! CAPTAIN JACK NEVER MET THE ELEVENTH DOCTOR!! *falls face first on floor and cries*
Sonjay: Tia…. Hope is on the ground. This is officially your problem.. Tia!!! Hope is literally laying on the ground and she is in front of my Magic cards and I can’t get to them, I don’t know what to do.
June 4 – Tamra is officially my hero of the day for bringing me coffee. Now I’m warmer and caffeinated!
June 4 – Django unchained finally! With Sonjay, Tia, Devon, Ryan, Tennery, Dakota and Justin
June 5 – So, very tired. *falls asleep in corner of office*
June 8 – Gameboy emulators for our phones? Aw yes! With Tia and Megan
June 9 – “When you run with the Doctor, it feels like it’ll never end. But however hard you try, you can’t run forever. Everybody knows that everybody dies and nobody knows it like the Doctor.” Welp. I’m not ok. Thanks again, Steven Moffat.
June 10 – What did Vincent say when he lost his car in the parking lot? “Where did my Van Gogh” *Giggles uncontrollably at work*
June 11 – Diet ideas: Eat whatever you want, and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight, eat them too.
June 14 – No. NO. It’s happened.. you can hashtag on Facebook now. STOP. THIS WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN.
June 16 – Ending a day of spending quality time with friends with 32 ounces of Dr. Pepper, a delicious chocolate chip muffin and continuing my Doctor Who rewatch alone in my apartment. This is the best of all things.
June 17 – Emergency room – not a summer adventure I meant to have.
June 17 – Two emergency room visits in 14 hours is really not a fun time. Screw you, kidney stone. :(
June 18 – My stupid kidney stone is gone. *Phew* Glad that’s over for now. Though how something that tiny could cause that many problems is a mystery. Do not want.
June 19 – Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
June 20 – Talking to Rachel:
Me: No one ever believes I have a lightsaber with me at all times.
Jordan: You’re right. I didn’t believe you until I saw you putting it back in your backpack.
June 20 – Monster’s University was beautiful. – With Blake, Sonjay and Tennery
June 21 – Harry Potter marathon begins! – With Tia, Sonjay, Tennery and Ethan
June 22 – Fell in love with a kitten at PETCO today but because of stupid apartments we had to leave it there. Zero, I love you. The 3 minutes I knew you were some of the happiest I’ve known. – With Sonjay
June 24 – North West was the first child of Kanye and Kim. One year later, there will be a child named East. Following that year, a child will be born named South. Finally, a year afterward, West West will be born. The children will become the guardians of their respected cardinal directions, forming together to create the compass of destiny that will lead us all to greatness.
June 25 – “Fill your house with stacks of books, in all the crannies and all the nooks.” ~ Dr Seuss
June 25- Re-watching Doctor Who is a painful experience. “I don’t want to go.” *sobs for eternity*
June 27 – “He looked at her the way all women wanted to be looked at by a man.” ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby
June 29 – Home is where the Wifi connects automatically.
July 1 – It’s cute that they sell family sized Oreo boxes thinking that people are gonna share them with their family.
July 3 –
Hello, old friend, and here we are, you and us, on the last page. By the time you read these words, your time as the Doctor will be done. So know that we understand and are supportive of your decision. And above all else, know that we will love you, always.
Sometimes we do worry about you, though. We think once you’re gone, you won’t be coming back to Doctor Who for a while and that you might be sad, which you should never be.
Don’t be sad, Matthew.
And do one more thing for us. There’s whole fandom waiting in anticipation for our next Doctor. They’re going to wait a long while, so they’re going to need a lot of hope.
Go to them.
Tell them that if they’re patient, the days are coming that they’ll never forget. Tell them they’re going to see new planets and run from aliens. They’ll fall in love with a man that chose to carry on the legacy of being the Doctor. Tell them they’ll give hope to other fandoms and bring a whole new generation into the family that is Doctor Who.
Tell them this is the journey of the Eleventh Doctor. And this is how it ends.
Love,
The Whovians
My Life In Facebook Statuses (Part 5)
February 27: Gosh dang you Supernatural! Making us wait a month til the next new episode. But in better news, Psych season premiere now!
February 28: What’s Han Solo’s favorite kind of video game? First person shooter.
March 1: Walking across campus while listening to the Hobbit soundtrack makes me feel super epic.
March 4: March 4th: The only day of the year that’s also a command.
March 6: Dear USA Network, You’re officially the BBC of America. You and Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss (And probably Joss Whedon as well) have all gotten together to ensure my emotional instability forever haven’t you? You can’t keep doing this to me! You make perfect shows and then leave terrible Sherlock-esque cliffhangers and make me wait forever. I don’t appreciate the heartbreak. Love, Hope
March 7: “Supernatural” taught me that family doesn’t end with blood. “Sherlock” taught me that everyone deserves to be happy. “Doctor Who” taught me that everyone is important.
That, that is the reason these shows mean so much to me. They’ve taught me more about life than most real life things have.
March 9: Who is Gatsby’s least favorite superhero? Deadpool! Who is his favorite? Green Lantern!
March 11: Dear weather, Are you aware that next week is SPRING break? I’m just asking because you seem a little confused yesterday & today. Love, Hope
March 12: Time flies when you’re throwing watches.
March 12: In honor of Sherlock series 3 filming soon:
WHEN THE SCREAMING OF YOUR HEART
ECHOES THE SCREAMING OF YOUR BLOG
THERE IS A SERIES ABOUT TO START WHEN MARCH 18 COMES!
March 18: Guys. The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy. It’s ITALICIZED.
March 22: I was trying to think the plural of moose, it’s not mice because a mouse is a mice. – Noelle
March 23: Mead’s and watching the Hobbit with Daniel and Rebekah makes for a fantastic night! :) I’ve missed you two a ton!
March 24: Dear self, It’s 3am. You have to get up at 8:30. You have watched 18 episodes of Fullmetal Alchemist tonight, it’s time to stop and go to bed. Start feeling tired, get off your computer and sleep. Plus, tomorrow it’s finally time to get back to Manhattan and see everyone. It’ll be a good time! Now sleep. Love, Hope
March 25: Nothing like waking up extremely sick the first day you’re back at school. :(
March 26: I swear people get 500 times cuter when they talk about what they’re passionate about. Unless it’s Hitler. Then it’s only nein times cuter.
March 27: I was just confirmed the nerdiest in the group by David. This is my proudest moment, my life is now complete. I am the nerdiest of all.
March 29: And with that I finished both Archer and Legend of Korra today. Both are wonderful. And both with and thanks to Blake :) ‘Twas a great day.
March 30: The fact that Doctor Who is finally back on TV and the fact that I got to watch it with most of my closest friends was basically the best thing ever. :D I’m so happy! :D
April 1: And now I am finished with the original Fullmetal Alchemist!
April 2: Waking up from a nap to go to Sociology of Women is actually the worst way to wake up ever.
April 4: How did the man from Endor stub his toe? Ewoked into a tree!!
April 4: North Korea, eat a Snickers. You get a little nuclear terroristic when you’re hungry.
April 5: “It’s not that I don’t like anime, it’s that I don’t enjoy watching it.” ~ Michael
April 6: Taylor and I just got told we are honorary men. I’ve literally never received such a wonderful compliment.
April 7: Puddle jumping weather!! With David
April 8: Fall Out Boy: Let’s make a new album in secret. Fall Out Boy: Let’s tour like crazy, and add more dates once we sell out. Fall Out Boy: Oh, and we should announce that we’re releasing 11 music videos for this album. Fall Out Boy: Let’s leak that album online a week before the release, just for funsies. FLAWLESS PEOPLE. They actually care about us. I’m crying with joy.
April 9: Dear Strangers calling me at work, Just because I said my name was Hope, does not give you permission, as a stranger, to make a pun out of my name. Also, all of you need to learn to read because if you read the instructions we gave you almost none of you would need to call. Stop. From, Hope
April 14: Don’t let a Dagobah without making a Star Wars pun.
April 17: Had a great time catching up with Carrie at Bluestem tonight and drinking delicious coffee. That I think had too much caffeine in it. :)
April 18:
Random Girl in Class wearing a Doctor Who shirt: I notice your braid.. Is it Star Wars inspired?
Me: Yes. I have a lightsaber in my backpack.
Girl: I don’t believe you. Prove it.
Me: *Pulls out lightsaber* I have 2 more in my dorm.
Girl: Ok then… Awesome.
Me: I’m also wearing the One Ring, a Supernatural necklace and a TARDIS belt.
April 19: Whiteboards are remarkable. (This took me a second the first time but this is a pun, fyi.)
April 22: “He had abbreviated the Doctor of Doctor Who, which you are not supposed to do! You spell out Doctor, everyone watching and listening.” ~ Chris Hardwick
THANK YOU. If you EVER abbreviate the Doctor’s name around me I will come at you because you are 589 kinds of wrong.
April 24: Dear Hope, I know it’s the end of the semester so procrastination and lack of motivation is setting in more than ever but you really can’t afford to procrastinate with the amount of work you have due before the end of the semester. Trust me, from experience, if you don’t do it now, you will regret it a lot later and have to stay up late and miss out on fun things. Get it done. And if you finish this paper now you can watch another episode of Doctor Who. Love, Hope
April 25: Important public service announcement: Don’t keep a wand of bubbles in your backpack. It’s a bad idea… I’ll leave it at that.
April 27: If anyone needs to get in touch with me, don’t text or call me, just Facebook me. I’m having…complications, with my phone. So yeah…
April 27: R.I.P. phone. You weren’t great but you worked well enough. I’m sorry I dropped you…
April 28: Learning how to play Mass Effect thanks to Blake! Finally learning how to play video games!
April 28: I want the world to know that a stranger at Walmart came up to David and said, “Sir, you have a fine body.” That is all.
April 29: Dear motivation, I don’t know where you’ve gone but I need you to come back pretty quickly. These 3 papers in the next week are not going to write themselves. I promise after all my finals you can leave again for the summer but I need you to come back for a couple of weeks, ok? Love, Hope
April 30: I don’t want to write my papers or be productive. *flops on the ground*
May 2: Passing time in the theater before Iron Man 3 reading anti-jokes is the best. – With Blake, James and Turner
May 2: Iron Man 3!!!!! FINALLY! – With Blake, James, Turner, Andrew, David, Tia, Sonjay, Parker, Tennery
May 4: Star Wars Day and Free Comic Book day! May the fourth be with you everyone!
May 6: I think my allergies are actually going to kill me. Goodbye, friends. It was great to know you all.
May 7: After forcing herself to go to the library to finish her last paper of the year after class, Hope then typed the final word, hit save and was free from the stress of the semester for a week until her first final. THAT STUPID PAPER IS FINALLY FINISHED. *Lazy mode activated*
May 9: Frolicking in the rain is the best of activities. I have clearly picked the correct boyfriend and friends. :-) – With Blake, Andrew, Andrew and Iniki
May 9: I’m done with my classes! All papers turned in, quizzes completed, now I just have finals at the end of next week, I’m almost free! *goes back to bed*
May 10: Leonardo DiCaprio makes a good Gatsby, in fact, you could even say he’s a Great Gatsby.
May 10: Ok NBC, since 30 Rock is over and the Office is over next week, if you don’t renew Community, I’m not gonna watch anything on your network. Six seasons and a movie, let’s get it.
May 13: And once again it was finals week, by far the best week of the school year. So much time to sleep and hang out with everyone. :)
May 13: Rock climbing is more fun than I expected. Also harder… I definitely don’t have any arm strength. But, fun times. – With Blake, Hailey, David and Sonjay
May 14: Legitimate question, will you all still love me if I fail a class? Because thanks to this teacher this a very real possibility… Oh well, here goes this final… :(
May 14: Nothing like smelling smoke in your dorm, all alarms going off and having to leave. While in the middle of a timed test… *facepalm*
May 14: WE’RE HAVING A FIRE!!! Sale. We’re having a fire sale! But no really… Marlatt is definitely smoking if not on fire..
May 16: Star Trek was a great movie! In related news, if you have a baby DO NOT BRING THEM TO A MOVIE. GET OUT.
May 16: Dear NBC’s The Office, While this past year we’ve hit a rough patch, the 8 years before that you’d always been there for me. You made me laugh, cry and cringe at various times, but you always left me satisfied and smiling. Though it is definitely your time to go now, you will be remembered. For Jim and Pam, for Dwight and his shenanigans, for the awkwardness of Michael Scott, for all the good times that are past. I loved you, The Office. I’m glad to had you in my life. Love, Hope
May 18: Well. Last night ever of living in the dorms, tomorrow, I’m an adult with an apartment who has to buy her own Dr Pepper, no more free stuff in the dining hall. But, it’s been a wonderful year, and I’ve been so blessed by having the most incredible people surrounding me. You guys have made this year, you all know who you are. Thank you. :)
May 19: Storms and Netflix – best way to end an awesome day! This will be a good summer, I’m determined. – With Tia
In Which Hope Has an Emotional Breakdown
Ok so it’s finals week which honestly is my favorite week of the year. I know that sounds crazy but as stressful as a week full of tests is, in college there are no classes during finals week so it’s better than many times during the year. I have 4 finals this week but several times during the year I had classes all week, 4 tests and quizzes and papers also due so while cumulative finals or getting a certain grade can be very stressful, it could and has been way worse.
Today however was worse than usual, I hadn’t yet taken any of my finals, one opened online today, one is online on Thursday and two are on Friday. The one that opened today was the cause of my stress and pain. ASDFKHDSKFHASDFKHSDFH. I’m still not over it. But ok, so this class, Urban Sociology, WORST TEACHER I HAVE EVER EVEN HEARD OF!!! Here’s the breakdown of the class: 2 papers and a final. 40 readings for the whole class time, 50+ pages each. The teacher failed us all on the first paper, later decided he couldn’t do that so he changed them all to Ds, we don’t have the grade for the last paper and the final was comprehensive, 37 questions over all of the readings with no study guide. THAT IS OVER 900 PAGES TO READ FOR 37 QUESTIONS!!!! So I was super nervous going into taking that but decided to go ahead and get it over with.
It was this evening after dinner, around 7:30, studied for a bit, sitting in the basement with Andrew and Tia who were also studying. Halfway through my test, about to cry from stress, pretty sure I still have no idea what I’m doing when all the sudden we smell smoke. At first we assume it was a guy that randomly came downstairs right as we started smelling it. Then the smell grew and we saw RAs running around frantically. We decided at this point we should probably go outside, about halfway up the stairs the fire alarms go off so our whole building evacuates. FOR AN HOUR. WHILE I’M SUPPOSED TO BE TAKING A TIMED TEST BUT THE INTERNET WON’T WORK OUTSIDE.
Yeah, apparently the trash room on the first floor caught fire due to faulty wiring but once we finally were allowed back and inside I went back to my test that had 30 minutes left on it and finished it. I still have no clue how I did and feel that it’s a very real possibility I could have failed it and possibly failed the class. *BREATHE HOPE*
Because of this, I kind of had an emotional breakdown. I had finished it sitting in Blake and Sonjay’s room while Blake play a game on the computer and Andrew continued his studying. After I finished Andrew and Sonjay went to go study elsewhere and I flopped down on Blake’s bed in anguish. Being the best boyfriend anyone could ask for, he paused his game, hugged me and then suggested we watch an episode of Supernatural together. I agreed and he played it and went back to his game. I thought I was ok, I really did and I tried to be but then I kept thinking of how much I fail and how I suck at really everything, the next time Blake looked back at me moments later, he could tell I wasn’t ok and saw I was about to burst into tears any second. He paused his game again and Supernatural, sat on his bed with me and just held me, telling me it was ok to cry (Though I’ve now trained myself to never cry so only a few tears escaped). We sat that way a little bit and he reminded me that what’s done is done and I did the best I could. By this time I was feeling a little better but he decided to take it further and drive me to McDonald’s and buy me a chocolate milkshake and an apple pie (No guys, this sounds nice but you don’t know that PIE IS MY FAVORITE THING EVER AND I WOULD PROBABLY KILL FOR IT). We sat in his car and ate our pies and drank our milkshakes then returned to the dorms and watched the rest of the Supernatural episode.
So yeah, moral of the story.. I’m still worried I failed but I did try my best and somehow I’ve found the most amazing boyfriend ever. Who will pause a video game just to make sure I’m ok when I’m being stupid.
Hope, stop worrying.
This was the last weekend here before most people leave for the summer.
From past experiences this also means this was the last weekend that people care. Everyone always promises things will be the same and we’ll all stay friends but I’m always forgotten anyways. The rest of the group usually does but I’m unimportant, easily forgotten and never talked to.
I don’t want that to happen again. My friends from this year are the best I’ve ever had and for just once I want it to stay that way.
I told myself not to care again but its too late for that now.
I want to just enjoy the few days I have left but I can’t stop worrying. It’s ridiculous.
How did I get so blessed?
I didn’t think it could happen. I didn’t think there would be someone who would know my secrets and my nerdiness and my family story and accept me anyways, much less like me. I didn’t think there would be anyone who would feel lucky to know me and be with me when I’m clearly the lucky one.
I didn’t think this could happen, I didn’t believe, I thought it was all a lie. But it appears, I was wrong. People can care and can accept me for who I am.
God is incredibly good.
Hope <3
This is My Story
Ok, so basically I was raised in a church, my parents took me twice a week, that’s how I was raised. (Though I’ve now come to unfortunately doubt just how strong in their personal faiths my parents are due to their actions, I hope they’re truly Christians though.) When I was about 3, they took me to a Billy Graham crusade where I asked to be taken down for the altar call and accept Christ. Since I was so young, when I was about 9 I prayed again, with more of an understanding this time, really thinking about how I wanted to serve God.
For a while, I just went about my life, I obeyed my parents, never cussed, never drank, never did anything slightly rebellious at all but I also didn’t do anything fantastic either. I just lived and always made excuses about why I never went out my way to witness to people, “I might say the wrong thing, turn people away.” “I’m not good at speaking.” “God will use other people.” All those excuses are crap, as a Christian it is literally a command that I go out and tell people the good news, even though I don’t have all the answers nor am I good at speaking, it’s my job, God will take care of the rest.
Anyways, I got a little bolder at the end of high school, I had a really awesome Youth Group that helped me grow in my faith but I still wasn’t so keen on sharing but I continued in growth and fellowship.
Sophomore year of college, (Last year) completely changed everything. I had about 6 really close friends on my floor who were incredibly strong Christians and we spent so much time fellowshipping, worshipping and discussing our faith amongst ourselves and with others on my floor. One of them, Kyle, my RA, has the most incredible passion for Christ I’ve ever seen. People who hate God and Christians would go up and ask him about his faith because it’s so infectious and he just loves with the most incredible, God-like love I’ve ever seen. They all helped me last year, but Kyle helped me the most.
Seeing him and the way he loved everyone, made me want that too. I want to love like God does and bring everyone I possibly can to Him.
Throughout my life, though I’ve been incredibly blessed, I’ve also gone through a lot of crap. My parents are not… the most loving. We’ll say that. For years I’ve constantly heard things like how much I suck and how I’m the worst person imaginable and I’m a disappointment, a whole lot of verbal abuse that honestly I think comes partially from my mother possibly having a mental disorder. I don’t blame them for it because I don’t know if it’s intentional but it still hurts and has left me in a lot of pain and I’m damaged to say the least.
Going through all that stuff with my family has been so hard, especially in the past 5 years or so and there have been many times when I wasn’t sure if I could make it. I didn’t have the will to go on or the hope to see a way out or a future. I’ve hard dark times and while I’m not out of that depression to say the least, I have a bit of hope for the future just because of how faithful God has always been.
Even in little things, which to me mean more than big things, God has been faithful and has always shown Himself and how much He cared. Things like providing a job and housing for last summer when it appeared originally there would be nowhere. Things like bringing the closest friends I’ve ever met and the friends who have accepted me more tightly than a family would when people I thought were my friends left. Even smaller things, like finding a Loki t-shirt I had wanted for months on a super intense sale. God has been incredibly faithful and awesome through everything.
Because of that, that’s why I believe. That’s why through all my hard times I won’t give up. That’s why I trust in Him even when everything looks hopeless. I suck and am so unworthy of everything He’s blessed me with but He loves me and provides for me anyways.
I don’t know what I’d do without my faith and the people I love. I have been blessed.
Hope <3
Jeremiah 29:11 ~ “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
I’m Loved.
I’ve known that for a while, I really have, I know that God loves me, I know that my little sister loves me and I know that my two friends left in Georgia love me. However, as I’ve written on here many times before, I always care more than others care about me, all my friendships have faded, I care too much, distance separates us, people just stop caring or talking to me, whatever the case, most of my past friendships have faded and that’s just life.
It’s upset me for a while now, being betrayed and left by people I thought were my friends, I’m ok now, I’ve survived those losses and gotten through them but I just thought I’d keep floating through friend groups. All of them leaving once we were apart.
I think I was wrong.
My group from this year: Blake, Hailey, Sonjay, Taylor, David, Michael, Tia, and Andrew. (Also Carrie from last year), they really care. When I was sick, they all took care of me and made sure I was ok. If I post something sad or angsty on Tumblr all of them (Well, the 5 that have Tumblr) immediately ask me about it to make sure I’m doing ok. If I talk to my mom they ask how I am afterwards and see if they can do anything to help. They text me if I’m feeling down and don’t take me saying I’m fine for an answer.
I’ve finally found a family that loves me.
Hope <3
I’m Sorry, but Thank You.
I apologize for the way that I am, for the way I hate myself, for the way I often feel depressed and don’t know how to get out of it. I’m sorry that I self-harm sometimes because I feel worthless. I’m sorry that I care too much and seem to push other people away. I’m sorry that I have so many flaws that I can’t see past. I’m sorry I’m indecisive and ramble about everything and tell pointless stories. I’m sorry I care so much about fictional worlds, they help me cope with the real one. I’m sorry for the way that I am.
But thank you, thank you for sticking by me anyways, for seeing past my flaws and loving me anyways. Thank you for caring, and being concerned about me when I’m sad.
I’m blessed with such incredible people in my life.
Hope <3
My Life in Facebook Statuses (Part 4)
January 17: Though I’m astounded at the amount of idiotic people that come into this office, at least no matter how things are going in my own life, I have it more figured out that these people do. And that’s weirdly comforting. :)
January 18: Though I’m astounded at the amount of idiotic people that come into this office, at least no matter how things are going in my own life, I have it more figured out that these people do. And that’s weirdly comforting. :)
January 18: It was a mundane night, driving back from a routine trip to Walmart when Blake and I saw something that changed our lives forever. Watching a guy rap to himself and play air drums in his car with the windows down was truly an amazing experience.
January 19: “Should I go to bed now?”, I ask myself as I click the next episode of Breaking Bad. And so the routine of watching TV shows at incredibly fast rate continues.
January 20: And now comes the dilemma of whether to go to bed, read the Watchmen comic book or continue watching Breaking Bad… Oh decisions, decisions.
January 21: Late nights hanging out and being nerdy with good friends is the very best kind of night. I can’t describe how much I missed you all. It’s good to be back. :)
January 21: Finally saw Les Mis! It was definitely all that the hype made it out to be and if Anne Hathaway doesn’t win that Oscar I’m gonna be upset.
January 22: Teacher had us buy a Batman comic book for class then made references to movies & Breaking Bad in class, yep, I think this will be a good one.
January 23: That confusing moment when you get a Christmas tree in the mail… That you didn’t order.. In January… What.
January 24: “Does anyone here have retractable claws like Wolverine? Because if you do, get out. I’m freaked out now.” – Police & Society teacher
January 24: So far my Sociology of Women class is just reiterating my dislike of and sexism against the female gender. Good grief.
January 26: “If I’m not good at something, then I’m really bad at it.” – Michael
January 27: After a night of watching AVPM, making tea, running around Walmart with Lightsabers, finally watching Superbad and eating lemon bars, I found myself up yet again at all hours of the night. Still worth it. Friends are most important. :) – With Blake, Andrew, David, Sonjay, Taylor, Hailey and James.
January 27: “That’s why I don’t like helping people move. I lose my hot pockets.” – Michael
January 28: Dear Kansas,
While I appreciate today’s warm weather more than it’s possible to express, I would like you to stop being a tease. 70 today and 30 on Wednesday is not something I am ok with, I don’t like winter anyways but when you do this to me it makes me sad.
Maybe just stay warm, please?
Love,
Hope
January 29: By the way, I got bored and cut off all my hair again. But this time, padawan braid too. :D
January 29: You know you should start working out more often when people are actually shocked to see you at the rec.
January 30: Dear Snow,
I admit that you are pretty and I’m gonna try and not complain about you all day but if I fall because of you that deal is off. So be nice to me and I’ll be nice to you, yes?
Hope
January 30: My supervisor just brought me a cardboard tube and said, “Here Hope, have a lightsaber.” At which point I of course pulled out my lightsaber…
January 31: “If you have to Cliff Notes a shape, you’re probably stupid.” – Sonjay
February 1: Dear 30 Rock,
I’ve invested a lot of my time in the past years watching you, enjoying your humor and deeply caring for your characters. I’m now about to watch your last episode from last night and must say I will miss you deeply. Right up til this last episode you’ve been flawless.
NBC, you did good.
February 4: To have a thirty-second spot during the Superbowl costs around 3.5 million US dollars, Marvel spent that to just let us stare at Robert Downey Jr. stare at a camera. God bless Marvel.
February 4: And now due to today’s news I shall be listening to only Fall Out Boy for the foreseeable future because I am so happy. I’ve missed them.
February 5: Giving each other welts from lightsaber dueling at the rec. Worth it. – With Blake and David
February 7: Me: Michael, I don’t sort my laundry either. I don’t have money for that, I just wash them all on cold!
Michael: AHHH!!! NOOOO!!! BAD HOPE!! Your women’s studies teacher needs to start teaching you something worthwhile.
February 7: Blake and I are legitimately learning the ways of the Force right now.
February 7: Next time someone tells me I’m “too childish”, I’m just going to look them directly in the eyes and say very calmly, “You are what you eat.” then walk away slowly maintaining eye contact the entire time.
February 8: My friends are amazing. I don’t know what I would do without you all. You guys know just what to say when I’m having a bad day! :)
February 9: Nothing unites college students like classic Disney songs. :) – With Blake, David, Michael, Sonjay, Taylor and Hailey
February 11: Cool kids burn their hands with salt and ice. 
February 11: Learning how to fence is a great idea. – With Blake
February 12: It was a normal, frustrating day in Sociology of Women, sitting listening to the teacher stereotype and rant about men when suddenly, the back door to the classroom was thrown open and two guys, both wearing pink headbands, diapers over their shorts and pink paper hearts taped all over their clothes emerged. One guy was carrying a boombox blasting Gangnam Style and the other was holding a box of chocolates. The two danced their way to the front of the classroom and handed the chocolates to a very embarrassed girl sitting in front. Needless to say, this was one of the only interesting things that will come from that class this year.
February 13: *Loud noises down the hall*
Michael: *Closes door* Wow people are stupid.
Me: Or are having a heart attack…
Michael: I’ve heard people having heart attacks that don’t make that sound. It’s like stupidity took the form of a wolf and is mauling them!
February 14: Ok Google, it’s Single’s Awareness Day, I get that you have to do a special doodle for the day, I really do. But what the heck is this? Why are random animals falling in love with each other? O.o.
February 14: Michael: “David, you’re being creepy.”
David: “It’s called being a photographer!”
February 15: I think it’s important to let you all know, in Polish, the phrase for “Not my problem” – “nie moj cyrk, nie moje malpy” literally translates to “Not my circus, not my monkey.” You’re welcome for that information.
February 15: Harlem Shake definitely made my day. – With Blake, Hailey, Sonjay and Tia
February 17: Public Service Announcement: I know the new Lay’s Chips sound interesting, maybe even interesting enough to try and eat just for an adventure. I’m here to tell you DO NOT EAT THEM. Chicken and Waffles should probably not ever go together but definitely not together on a chip. Just nope.
February 20: John Green is on the news, dining hall has my favorite cookies and campus is closed for tomorrow because of snow! I am unbelievably happy and excited right now.
February 20: Sometimes Sonjay leaves his room to change his pants and goes in the stairway instead. Where there is a camera. Good job. :P
February 23: Not many people could get me to climb a snow mountain, climb in a snow cave and crawl through a snow tunnel. But it was worth it. – With Blake, James and Andrew
* Not a status but* February 25: In a relationship :D Facebook official!
It’s not a ploy of clothing designers to make women wear skirts and dresses so we can’t run away as easy. Also, I’ve literally never heard of half of these beauty products you’re rambling off.
Please shut up, no one cares.
Hope
Happy Times
I’ve been afraid of letting myself feel for a long time, feelings scare me and I’ve been trying to just not feel anything. I told people that I don’t believe in love (And I still really don’t) but I told them that if someone could prove me wrong, I would accept it and be glad they could prove me wrong. I’m not sure I ever believed myself though, I just assumed no one would ever try and prove me wrong so I wouldn’t have to deal with it.
But maybe I was wrong.. Maybe people do care and maybe someone out there could deal with my flaws and think I’m beautiful and care about me.
And maybe they can stop me from feeling afraid and give me someone to care about and like and be happy with.
Maybe there’s something out there after all..
:)
Hope <3
Today has been… weird…
Things have been going well, much better recently, spending time with my group of friends nearly all of my free time. If I’m not at class, at work or asleep we’re together, even if we’re just doing our own thing and not talking, we’re together. I know I keep mentioning this but for real, this is the closest I’ve ever felt to people, they legitimately care about me and love me and I honestly don’t even know how to handle it. It scares me almost having people legitimately worry about me and want me to be ok. It’s nice. I was sick last week and I walked into Michael’s room, coughed like once and he immediately gave me medicine and made me a cup of hot tea. Even when I was younger and my family was better they didn’t take care of me that much.
This week of course was Single’s Awareness Day, that was when things started to get weird in life again. Everything was mostly good, like I actually had an awesome day, our group all went out and ate dinner together to celebrate our friendship and be single together and whatnot but of course that all changed when my mother came into the day. She texted me, as I had sorta expected her to, wishing me a happy Valentine’s Day and saying she loved me. I simply responded, “Thanks, happy Singles Awareness Day. I love you.” Then she freaked out… claiming it was rude and she had always tried to make the day good for me and how it’s actually a day for family’s and a bunch of random bull-crap. Then nothing else happened until this evening when I received a call from her.
This evening she called, it started ok because she said, “I hope you didn’t think I was mad at you.” then proceeded to yell at me for a half hour guilting me about not coming home more often and wondering why I would possibly like spending so much time with my friends instead of coming home (And being verbally abused? Yep, that sounds like a good deal.). She also went through how I clearly hate her and she made me apologize to her for ruining her Valentine’s Day which is her “favorite day of the year” because I was such a bitter brat about it.
I wish I didn’t let this stuff get to me. I wish I could stand up to her more, I wish I didn’t let her guilt me into things. I wish I was stronger and that stuff like this wouldn’t push me back into depression. I was doing so well! Now I’m sad again… This has to stop.
In this world but not of it.
DFTBA (Don’t Forget to Be Awesome)
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