The past few months have been hard – really hard. I’ve struggled with being in a job I hate, I’ve lost a best friend to a lot of crap and pain and hurt and I lost the boy I thought I would marry. During those times though, God never once failed me, He has never looked at me and I thought I was too much work, He has never seen me crying out and thought I was too annoying or too broken or too anything – I am His child, and He has loved me throughout.
Since September, 90% of my life has changed but while a lot of it was extremely painful, so much of it has also been a beautiful growing experience. I know 100% who my real family is, the friends who will drop everything to come make sure I’m okay, to bring me ice cream when I’m down, to watch movies with me so I’m not alone to just love me and be with me – the ones who really care. And that’s.. beautiful. That’s something I’ve never had before. I have been loved many ways throughout my life but not like this, I’m usually the side character, the replaceable friend, not the “drop everything for” friend and having this kind of love is, it turns out, a beautiful blessing.
I admit before these hard months I wasn’t necessarily practicing my faith as I should have, I had faltered, gotten away from where I should be and just been too stressed and busy trying to make my own way. (Which is dumb, I can’t do that)
I’m still so far away from where I should be but I’m learning, I’m growing and I’m leaning on God so much more than ever, not just in the hard times but now that things are getting better too.
God brought me His son and this amazing church family and friends outside of church too that love me even though I don’t know why.
God, I don’t deserve anything. I panic, I freak out and I definitely don’t trust but here I am, being taken care of anyways.
This week has been.. bad. Like, extraordinarily bad. I’ve been heartbroken for a month now, learning to be single again, learning to get over love, all that. I’m bad at it – really bad. I thought I was doing okay, or getting to okay at least but then he texted me- out of the blue he texted me and it destroyed me again and killed my entire week. He was just asking how I was and soon realized it was too soon but it killed me and led to me crying in my car for 20 minutes in a parking lot.
On top of that – it’s midterm week – ALL of my friends were busy. I’ve been lonely anyways but this was extraordinarily painful – no one to hang out with for a week straight – work, go home, Netflix (which even I am getting bored of), go to sleep, repeat. It’s been horrendous as someone who can’t be alone because I think too much, cry too much, do nothing but feel bad for myself. Depression is bad alone, but everything else on top of it, man. I’m at the point where if I was held at gun point, (NOT THAT I WANT TO DIE) I would not even protest.
BUT. I went to Bible study last night and MAN. The lesson was ON POINT. Okay? We talked about God’s timing and the pastor took words straight out of my mind, “Do you feel heartbroken, lonely, not going anywhere, in a rut? Do you feel like you’re just not where you should be with relationships or careers?” (Um, yes, all of the above actually?) and he talked about and reminded me of just what I need to be CONSTANTLY remembering. God is here. No matter what. There’s no reason He has to be- He doesn’t need us but he NEVER leaves us and is constantly working to make our lives better. When things aren’t going our way that just means He has something planned that is SO MUCH more than we can imagine.
So that was refreshing and a good thing to remember but I’m still just like feeling awful and lonely because I do that in my head and my brain just lies to me a lot about people caring. So there it is, last song of church and I’m just sitting there praying, “God, please just calm my anxiety and comfort me and make me not feel so alone. Next week people will be less busy, I can wait a couple days to see people again.” BOOM. Second I finish praying is when church ends so I pick up my phone and check it, I have two texts, a missed called, a Facebook message and a Snapchat from two friends telling me to get over to Taco Bell so we can hang out.
Man, God’s timing is always good and comforting but THAT. I am constantly amazed by Him and I need to remember how much bigger He is than me and how well He plans my future.
Sorry for the recent more sappy posts I have just needed to write what’s on my mind and only had here to do so.
As you have, I assume, noticed I have fallen in love since I last gave you any real update, its amazing.
In other news, and the reason I haven’t posted much this summer is I have actually been having a good, fun summer hanging out with friends. Its been lovely.
Also, I’ll be starting my senior year in a week which is odd, honestly, I’ll be a college graduate in May.
So yeah, that’s not a very good update for now but that’s basically what’s happening.
Talk to you all later.
I’ve always enjoyed writing but I rarely have ideas. I’m not creative enough to create worlds or beautiful stories that change the lives of people reading. That won’t ever be me, but I still enjoy it.
I enjoy writing out my thoughts, venting, just getting it all out, somehow it helps clear my head. I don’t have beautiful ways of saying things, or interesting stories to tell or poetry to write, but I will continue to do it anyways.
Right now, there’s not a lot on my mind, not a lot people want to read about anyways.
I’m thinking about my family. How much it hurts, how much I don’t want to go back and how much I wish I could get my sister out of there and just never have contact with our parents again. I’m thinking how much I wish things were different, how they were loving and caring and weren’t spiteful and heartless.
I’m thinking (months ahead of time, but it’s bothering me regardless) how much I wish decisions were easy. I wish I could just not go home for holidays and it be ok and not end up hurting my sister in the process.
I’m thinking about how glad I am school is starting soon and friends will start returning.
I’m thinking about the friends who won’t return, who’ve graduated or transferred and who I don’t know if I’ll ever see again.
I’m thinking of my boyfriend, who I love so much. How glad I am he’s been able to visit for a week before going home and we’ll be apart for a year, with only short visits in between.
I’m thinking of how attached I’ve become again to him always being at my side, always available to hug and kiss and to make me smile.
I’m thinking of the sleepy way he looks when he’s stayed up all night but drives me to work anyways, how adorable it is.
I’m thinking of how he looks at me when I’ve been sleeping and he accidentally wakes me up and he looks at me more lovingly than I knew anyone could and whispers how much he loves me and how beautiful I am.
I’m thinking of how in love I am and how much things have changed in the past few months, I went from never thinking anyone would care about me to being happily in love with the most perfect of boyfriends.
I’m thinking how glad I am that though my blood family sucks, I have been blessed with the most amazing family of friends who cares about me and loves me and legitimately wants to spend time with me.
May 20 – Oh wow I’m bad at running. But, for the 5th time of willingly running in my whole life, it was better than expected. Thanks for pushing me, Tia I WILL be in shape come the start of school! (HA! HA! HA! I haven’t run since that week…)
May 21 – TLC shows literally make me want to extinguish the whole human race. *Facepalm* Humanity, what have you done?
May 22 – What did Hitler say before he died? “I did Nazi that coming!”
May 23 – I have successfully re-watched 3 seasons of Arrested Development in 3 days. My TV watching skills prevail again! New season on Sunday and in 5 minutes I have a 4 day weekend! Excellent! :)
May 26 – Working out is hard. *dies*
May 28 – Krystal: Do you want to walk with me to my car?
Me: Yeah, because tornadoes avoid people in groups.
Ben: I mean, look at the wizard of Oz, that just happened because Dorothy was alone.
May 29 – Ok, I just learned that more people are bitten each year by New Yorkers than by sharks. What I don’t know about this information, is if that means there are a lot of New Yorkers biting people, or a small amount of sharks biting people..
May 30 – “There’s a lot of things you need to get across this universe. Warp drive… wormhole refractors… You know the thing you need most of all? You need a hand to hold.” ~ The Doctor
June 1 – Real friends spend time together by all being on their laptops at once. – With Tia and Sonjay
June 1 – Dear Matt Smith, It’s been a beautiful 4 years, I’ve loved every second of it and quickly you became the Doctor closest to my heart. You’ve made me laugh, cry and feel I could be a hero. I’m not ready for you to go but I know you feel it’s your time. Since that is the way the show works, I’m looking forward to who will be next but I’ll miss you and you will always be in my heart.
You were fantastic.
June 2 –
Me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!! CAPTAIN JACK NEVER MET THE ELEVENTH DOCTOR!! *falls face first on floor and cries*
Sonjay: Tia…. Hope is on the ground. This is officially your problem.. Tia!!! Hope is literally laying on the ground and she is in front of my Magic cards and I can’t get to them, I don’t know what to do.
June 4 – Tamra is officially my hero of the day for bringing me coffee. Now I’m warmer and caffeinated!
June 4 – Django unchained finally! With Sonjay, Tia, Devon, Ryan, Tennery, Dakota and Justin
June 5 – So, very tired. *falls asleep in corner of office*
June 8 – Gameboy emulators for our phones? Aw yes! With Tia and Megan
June 9 – “When you run with the Doctor, it feels like it’ll never end. But however hard you try, you can’t run forever. Everybody knows that everybody dies and nobody knows it like the Doctor.” Welp. I’m not ok. Thanks again, Steven Moffat.
June 10 – What did Vincent say when he lost his car in the parking lot? “Where did my Van Gogh” *Giggles uncontrollably at work*
June 11 – Diet ideas: Eat whatever you want, and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight, eat them too.
June 14 – No. NO. It’s happened.. you can hashtag on Facebook now. STOP. THIS WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN.
June 16 – Ending a day of spending quality time with friends with 32 ounces of Dr. Pepper, a delicious chocolate chip muffin and continuing my Doctor Who rewatch alone in my apartment. This is the best of all things.
June 17 – Emergency room – not a summer adventure I meant to have.
June 17 – Two emergency room visits in 14 hours is really not a fun time. Screw you, kidney stone. :(
June 18 – My stupid kidney stone is gone. *Phew* Glad that’s over for now. Though how something that tiny could cause that many problems is a mystery. Do not want.
June 19 – Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
June 20 – Talking to Rachel:
Me: No one ever believes I have a lightsaber with me at all times.
Jordan: You’re right. I didn’t believe you until I saw you putting it back in your backpack.
June 20 – Monster’s University was beautiful. – With Blake, Sonjay and Tennery
June 21 – Harry Potter marathon begins! – With Tia, Sonjay, Tennery and Ethan
June 22 – Fell in love with a kitten at PETCO today but because of stupid apartments we had to leave it there. Zero, I love you. The 3 minutes I knew you were some of the happiest I’ve known. – With Sonjay
June 24 – North West was the first child of Kanye and Kim. One year later, there will be a child named East. Following that year, a child will be born named South. Finally, a year afterward, West West will be born. The children will become the guardians of their respected cardinal directions, forming together to create the compass of destiny that will lead us all to greatness.
June 25 – “Fill your house with stacks of books, in all the crannies and all the nooks.” ~ Dr Seuss
June 25- Re-watching Doctor Who is a painful experience. “I don’t want to go.” *sobs for eternity*
June 27 – “He looked at her the way all women wanted to be looked at by a man.” ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby
June 29 – Home is where the Wifi connects automatically.
July 1 – It’s cute that they sell family sized Oreo boxes thinking that people are gonna share them with their family.
July 3 –
Hello, old friend, and here we are, you and us, on the last page. By the time you read these words, your time as the Doctor will be done. So know that we understand and are supportive of your decision. And above all else, know that we will love you, always.
Sometimes we do worry about you, though. We think once you’re gone, you won’t be coming back to Doctor Who for a while and that you might be sad, which you should never be.
Don’t be sad, Matthew.
And do one more thing for us. There’s whole fandom waiting in anticipation for our next Doctor. They’re going to wait a long while, so they’re going to need a lot of hope.
Go to them.
Tell them that if they’re patient, the days are coming that they’ll never forget. Tell them they’re going to see new planets and run from aliens. They’ll fall in love with a man that chose to carry on the legacy of being the Doctor. Tell them they’ll give hope to other fandoms and bring a whole new generation into the family that is Doctor Who.
Tell them this is the journey of the Eleventh Doctor. And this is how it ends.
February 27: Gosh dang you Supernatural! Making us wait a month til the next new episode. But in better news, Psych season premiere now!
February 28: What’s Han Solo’s favorite kind of video game? First person shooter.
March 1: Walking across campus while listening to the Hobbit soundtrack makes me feel super epic.
March 4: March 4th: The only day of the year that’s also a command.
March 6: Dear USA Network, You’re officially the BBC of America. You and Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss (And probably Joss Whedon as well) have all gotten together to ensure my emotional instability forever haven’t you? You can’t keep doing this to me! You make perfect shows and then leave terrible Sherlock-esque cliffhangers and make me wait forever. I don’t appreciate the heartbreak. Love, Hope
March 7: “Supernatural” taught me that family doesn’t end with blood. “Sherlock” taught me that everyone deserves to be happy. “Doctor Who” taught me that everyone is important.
That, that is the reason these shows mean so much to me. They’ve taught me more about life than most real life things have.
March 9: Who is Gatsby’s least favorite superhero? Deadpool! Who is his favorite? Green Lantern!
March 11: Dear weather, Are you aware that next week is SPRING break? I’m just asking because you seem a little confused yesterday & today. Love, Hope
March 12: Time flies when you’re throwing watches.
March 12: In honor of Sherlock series 3 filming soon:
WHEN THE SCREAMING OF YOUR HEART
ECHOES THE SCREAMING OF YOUR BLOG
THERE IS A SERIES ABOUT TO START WHEN MARCH 18 COMES!
March 18: Guys. The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy. It’s ITALICIZED.
March 22: I was trying to think the plural of moose, it’s not mice because a mouse is a mice. – Noelle
March 23: Mead’s and watching the Hobbit with Daniel and Rebekah makes for a fantastic night! :) I’ve missed you two a ton!
March 24: Dear self, It’s 3am. You have to get up at 8:30. You have watched 18 episodes of Fullmetal Alchemist tonight, it’s time to stop and go to bed. Start feeling tired, get off your computer and sleep. Plus, tomorrow it’s finally time to get back to Manhattan and see everyone. It’ll be a good time! Now sleep. Love, Hope
March 25: Nothing like waking up extremely sick the first day you’re back at school. :(
March 26: I swear people get 500 times cuter when they talk about what they’re passionate about. Unless it’s Hitler. Then it’s only nein times cuter.
March 27: I was just confirmed the nerdiest in the group by David. This is my proudest moment, my life is now complete. I am the nerdiest of all.
March 29: And with that I finished both Archer and Legend of Korra today. Both are wonderful. And both with and thanks to Blake :) ‘Twas a great day.
March 30: The fact that Doctor Who is finally back on TV and the fact that I got to watch it with most of my closest friends was basically the best thing ever. :D I’m so happy! :D
April 1: And now I am finished with the original Fullmetal Alchemist!
April 2: Waking up from a nap to go to Sociology of Women is actually the worst way to wake up ever.
April 4: How did the man from Endor stub his toe? Ewoked into a tree!!
April 4: North Korea, eat a Snickers. You get a little nuclear terroristic when you’re hungry.
April 5: “It’s not that I don’t like anime, it’s that I don’t enjoy watching it.” ~ Michael
April 6: Taylor and I just got told we are honorary men. I’ve literally never received such a wonderful compliment.
April 7: Puddle jumping weather!! With David
April 8: Fall Out Boy: Let’s make a new album in secret. Fall Out Boy: Let’s tour like crazy, and add more dates once we sell out. Fall Out Boy: Oh, and we should announce that we’re releasing 11 music videos for this album. Fall Out Boy: Let’s leak that album online a week before the release, just for funsies. FLAWLESS PEOPLE. They actually care about us. I’m crying with joy.
April 9: Dear Strangers calling me at work, Just because I said my name was Hope, does not give you permission, as a stranger, to make a pun out of my name. Also, all of you need to learn to read because if you read the instructions we gave you almost none of you would need to call. Stop. From, Hope
April 14: Don’t let a Dagobah without making a Star Wars pun.
April 17: Had a great time catching up with Carrie at Bluestem tonight and drinking delicious coffee. That I think had too much caffeine in it. :)
Random Girl in Class wearing a Doctor Who shirt: I notice your braid.. Is it Star Wars inspired?
Me: Yes. I have a lightsaber in my backpack.
Girl: I don’t believe you. Prove it.
Me: *Pulls out lightsaber* I have 2 more in my dorm.
Girl: Ok then… Awesome.
Me: I’m also wearing the One Ring, a Supernatural necklace and a TARDIS belt.
April 19: Whiteboards are remarkable. (This took me a second the first time but this is a pun, fyi.)
April 22: “He had abbreviated the Doctor of Doctor Who, which you are not supposed to do! You spell out Doctor, everyone watching and listening.” ~ Chris Hardwick
THANK YOU. If you EVER abbreviate the Doctor’s name around me I will come at you because you are 589 kinds of wrong.
April 24: Dear Hope, I know it’s the end of the semester so procrastination and lack of motivation is setting in more than ever but you really can’t afford to procrastinate with the amount of work you have due before the end of the semester. Trust me, from experience, if you don’t do it now, you will regret it a lot later and have to stay up late and miss out on fun things. Get it done. And if you finish this paper now you can watch another episode of Doctor Who. Love, Hope
April 25: Important public service announcement: Don’t keep a wand of bubbles in your backpack. It’s a bad idea… I’ll leave it at that.
April 27: If anyone needs to get in touch with me, don’t text or call me, just Facebook me. I’m having…complications, with my phone. So yeah…
April 27: R.I.P. phone. You weren’t great but you worked well enough. I’m sorry I dropped you…
April 28: Learning how to play Mass Effect thanks to Blake! Finally learning how to play video games!
April 28: I want the world to know that a stranger at Walmart came up to David and said, “Sir, you have a fine body.” That is all.
April 29: Dear motivation, I don’t know where you’ve gone but I need you to come back pretty quickly. These 3 papers in the next week are not going to write themselves. I promise after all my finals you can leave again for the summer but I need you to come back for a couple of weeks, ok? Love, Hope
April 30: I don’t want to write my papers or be productive. *flops on the ground*
May 2: Passing time in the theater before Iron Man 3 reading anti-jokes is the best. – With Blake, James and Turner
May 2: Iron Man 3!!!!! FINALLY! – With Blake, James, Turner, Andrew, David, Tia, Sonjay, Parker, Tennery
May 4: Star Wars Day and Free Comic Book day! May the fourth be with you everyone!
May 6: I think my allergies are actually going to kill me. Goodbye, friends. It was great to know you all.
May 7: After forcing herself to go to the library to finish her last paper of the year after class, Hope then typed the final word, hit save and was free from the stress of the semester for a week until her first final. THAT STUPID PAPER IS FINALLY FINISHED. *Lazy mode activated*
May 9: Frolicking in the rain is the best of activities. I have clearly picked the correct boyfriend and friends. :-) – With Blake, Andrew, Andrew and Iniki
May 9: I’m done with my classes! All papers turned in, quizzes completed, now I just have finals at the end of next week, I’m almost free! *goes back to bed*
May 10: Leonardo DiCaprio makes a good Gatsby, in fact, you could even say he’s a Great Gatsby.
May 10: Ok NBC, since 30 Rock is over and the Office is over next week, if you don’t renew Community, I’m not gonna watch anything on your network. Six seasons and a movie, let’s get it.
May 13: And once again it was finals week, by far the best week of the school year. So much time to sleep and hang out with everyone. :)
May 13: Rock climbing is more fun than I expected. Also harder… I definitely don’t have any arm strength. But, fun times. – With Blake, Hailey, David and Sonjay
May 14: Legitimate question, will you all still love me if I fail a class? Because thanks to this teacher this a very real possibility… Oh well, here goes this final… :(
May 14: Nothing like smelling smoke in your dorm, all alarms going off and having to leave. While in the middle of a timed test… *facepalm*
May 14: WE’RE HAVING A FIRE!!! Sale. We’re having a fire sale! But no really… Marlatt is definitely smoking if not on fire..
May 16: Star Trek was a great movie! In related news, if you have a baby DO NOT BRING THEM TO A MOVIE. GET OUT.
May 16: Dear NBC’s The Office, While this past year we’ve hit a rough patch, the 8 years before that you’d always been there for me. You made me laugh, cry and cringe at various times, but you always left me satisfied and smiling. Though it is definitely your time to go now, you will be remembered. For Jim and Pam, for Dwight and his shenanigans, for the awkwardness of Michael Scott, for all the good times that are past. I loved you, The Office. I’m glad to had you in my life. Love, Hope
May 18: Well. Last night ever of living in the dorms, tomorrow, I’m an adult with an apartment who has to buy her own Dr Pepper, no more free stuff in the dining hall. But, it’s been a wonderful year, and I’ve been so blessed by having the most incredible people surrounding me. You guys have made this year, you all know who you are. Thank you. :)
May 19: Storms and Netflix – best way to end an awesome day! This will be a good summer, I’m determined. – With Tia
Ok so it’s finals week which honestly is my favorite week of the year. I know that sounds crazy but as stressful as a week full of tests is, in college there are no classes during finals week so it’s better than many times during the year. I have 4 finals this week but several times during the year I had classes all week, 4 tests and quizzes and papers also due so while cumulative finals or getting a certain grade can be very stressful, it could and has been way worse.
Today however was worse than usual, I hadn’t yet taken any of my finals, one opened online today, one is online on Thursday and two are on Friday. The one that opened today was the cause of my stress and pain. ASDFKHDSKFHASDFKHSDFH. I’m still not over it. But ok, so this class, Urban Sociology, WORST TEACHER I HAVE EVER EVEN HEARD OF!!! Here’s the breakdown of the class: 2 papers and a final. 40 readings for the whole class time, 50+ pages each. The teacher failed us all on the first paper, later decided he couldn’t do that so he changed them all to Ds, we don’t have the grade for the last paper and the final was comprehensive, 37 questions over all of the readings with no study guide. THAT IS OVER 900 PAGES TO READ FOR 37 QUESTIONS!!!! So I was super nervous going into taking that but decided to go ahead and get it over with.
It was this evening after dinner, around 7:30, studied for a bit, sitting in the basement with Andrew and Tia who were also studying. Halfway through my test, about to cry from stress, pretty sure I still have no idea what I’m doing when all the sudden we smell smoke. At first we assume it was a guy that randomly came downstairs right as we started smelling it. Then the smell grew and we saw RAs running around frantically. We decided at this point we should probably go outside, about halfway up the stairs the fire alarms go off so our whole building evacuates. FOR AN HOUR. WHILE I’M SUPPOSED TO BE TAKING A TIMED TEST BUT THE INTERNET WON’T WORK OUTSIDE.
Yeah, apparently the trash room on the first floor caught fire due to faulty wiring but once we finally were allowed back and inside I went back to my test that had 30 minutes left on it and finished it. I still have no clue how I did and feel that it’s a very real possibility I could have failed it and possibly failed the class. *BREATHE HOPE*
Because of this, I kind of had an emotional breakdown. I had finished it sitting in Blake and Sonjay’s room while Blake play a game on the computer and Andrew continued his studying. After I finished Andrew and Sonjay went to go study elsewhere and I flopped down on Blake’s bed in anguish. Being the best boyfriend anyone could ask for, he paused his game, hugged me and then suggested we watch an episode of Supernatural together. I agreed and he played it and went back to his game. I thought I was ok, I really did and I tried to be but then I kept thinking of how much I fail and how I suck at really everything, the next time Blake looked back at me moments later, he could tell I wasn’t ok and saw I was about to burst into tears any second. He paused his game again and Supernatural, sat on his bed with me and just held me, telling me it was ok to cry (Though I’ve now trained myself to never cry so only a few tears escaped). We sat that way a little bit and he reminded me that what’s done is done and I did the best I could. By this time I was feeling a little better but he decided to take it further and drive me to McDonald’s and buy me a chocolate milkshake and an apple pie (No guys, this sounds nice but you don’t know that PIE IS MY FAVORITE THING EVER AND I WOULD PROBABLY KILL FOR IT). We sat in his car and ate our pies and drank our milkshakes then returned to the dorms and watched the rest of the Supernatural episode.
So yeah, moral of the story.. I’m still worried I failed but I did try my best and somehow I’ve found the most amazing boyfriend ever. Who will pause a video game just to make sure I’m ok when I’m being stupid.