I know I’m extremely angsty whenever I’m home and as always I do apologize for that but I’m afraid this time it’s worse and I just need to get it all down so I’m not even sure if this post will make any sense and it’s definitely not that important I just have a lot on my mind right now.
Everything feels wrong. From being home, and mom telling me she wishes I wasn’t here, to all the recent shootings, to a friend trying to kill herself, to nearly everyone I know struggling with depression of some kind, to all the sad stuff that happens on the news every day, to my sister being as depressed and sad as I am, to my boyfriend breaking up with me, to me hating myself completely and hating that I let down my guard to care about someone when I knew in my heart it wouldn’t work for one reason or another.
I feel extremely worthless and like nothing I can ever do is right and I feel like the world is crashing down around me, and there’s so much pain and suffering and I’m not contributing to help it at all and there’s nothing I feel I can do and I just want it all to stop but I can’t even stop myself from feeling broken and hopeless. I know, I know it’s not true. I know I’m not worthless, and I know all of the right things to say, that God has a plan, and that He has a purpose and I’m here for a reason and that I do do things right and I know all of that in my head but my heart doesn’t know it and I’m just drowning. I feel stuck and sad and I don’t know how to get out.
I feel like mom is right, that no guy will ever love me.
I feel like it’s my fault that I can’t fix those hurting around me. When people I know are hurting I take on their pain and feel it until I can help them not feel it. Which is not healthy probably, for one thing and for another is bad because 99% of the time there is absolutely nothing I or anyone else can do to fix them except be there (Which I ALWAYS am) but I feel terrible until I can.
I feel like I’m alone and will be and that I’m drowning in a sea of sadness.
I hate myself and don’t see anything good about myself at all. Much less what anyone would see in me that’s worth loving.
I know, I know these are lies and that I shouldn’t feel this way but I can’t seem to stop.
And at this point even though I don’t have a resolution for these feelings or really feel any better, and even though none of them may ever read this, I have to thank my friends, particularly tonight Megan, Anna, and David.
David has been there for me several times this week in my pain and such and has been an incredible encouragement and really affirmed that I do mean something and that my friends love me and that there is a guy out there somewhere for me, I just have to be patient.
Anna saw a post I had on Tumblr and we started texting and realizing we were feeling the exact same feelings right now and even though neither of us had answers for the other one, talking about our pains somehow made us both feel not quite so alone.
“Reading about the depression of someone you love doesn’t make it easier. Well, it does and doesn’t. It’s something you never want them to go through… but you’re a little glad you’re not alone. Which makes you feel terrible about being happy. What the hell is this.” ~ Anna
Megan was completely and amazingly used by God tonight. She had absolutely no idea any of the things going on in my head at all but at the peak of my apparent mental break down or what it’s been tonight she messaged me on Facebook asking if I was ok and what was going on. I then sorta exploded on her everything that was wrong but being the friend she is she took it all and had me call so she could just pray for me.
So yeah, I’m still drowning and extremely sad and depressed but I know God will provide and show me His plan. And through typing this I’ve actually started to feel a little bit better and more comforted but this world is so sad. I don’t even know.
I do know that God is good and will prevail. And I know that sometimes the family we chose for ourselves, that have also chosen to keep us in their lives, that’s the family that matters. My real family, the family that will prevail. Not my blood relatives, but something deeper and stronger than blood.
Maybe this is the end of the world. Everyone that’s kept the world going stops seeing the good and gives up.
~ Anna (Itscharls) on Tumblr
I just don’t even know what happened, when did I start looking at myself and not seeing someone that God created but someone that is worthless and has nothing good about them? What is happening to the world. What did the happiness go in everyone?