Late Night Thoughts
As I sit writing this it’s almost midnight, I’ll probably end up scheduling it to post later in the morning so I can go back through and edit it more since most times when I write things at night I make some ridiculous typo but I just had to write.
I’m back at home as of last night (the 9th) at about 10pm. After being gone an entire summer and since I’m only home for one week I was really hoping this week would be an improvement from my times at home recently. I had actually had some really good conversations with my mom on the phone while I was alone this summer and I was hoping that me being gone would have actually caused her to care and maybe make it so she would be excited to see me. Yesterday started off well really, I got off work and my dad actually came to pick me up shortly after that. Since at the beginning of summer they had told me to my face that it was a waste of gas for them to come get me or bring me to college and that I wasn’t worth it, I thought this was a significant improvement and my mom texted me enthusiastically saying she was excited I was coming home. I started to be optimistic, started to hope that something had changed inside her, that maybe I wouldn’t be a disappointment to her anymore. Those thoughts changed when she called as Dad and I were on the almost 3 hour drive back home. She asked why it had taken us so long to leave and when I explained that we had stopped to eat dinner she had gotten mad at me that I hadn’t bought the dinner for me and dad. Wait. Hold on, I, the college student completely paying for college on my own who had just gotten done living on her own for the first time who almost completely survived on Ramen this summer because it was cheap was supposed to buy dinner for both me and my dad? When dad offered to take me out since I had just been living on Ramen? That was when my optimism started to disappear. A few hours later after I got home it was completely gone, I was accused of having an attitude and told that she doesn’t understand how I could be so rude to her (All I did was tell her I was tired and wanted to go to bed). Today she accused me of being judgmental, told me I had a terrible work ethic and I hadn’t actually had a hard time this summer because when she was in college she got 3 hours of sleep each night, worked 40 hours a week at one job, 20 at another and took 23 credit hours and never got to hang out with friends. She also tried to guilt me by asking if I was interested in anyone and when I avoided the question she acted hurt. What I don’t understand is why she think I would tell her I was interested in someone when she has told me to my face that no one will ever love me because I have a dyed hair and a nose ring. I just can’t, I don’t like most people to know when I’m interested in someone anyways, much less people who have told me I will never find love.
I was stupid to be optimistic, stupid to think things had changed. Yesterday I had actually been excited to come home, it has been great seeing my sister and I’m excited for the chance to hang out with friend but this week is not shaping up to be a good one. I know God is in control and it is just a week, I can make it, I made it through my depression of being alone this summer with the help of God, now I’ll have to make it through all the pain time with my family brings.
It’s gonna be a long week.