For years now my mom has told me that I’m not worth it, that no one will love me and that I’m generally not good enough in anything and for a long time I’ve believed it, if you know me in real life you probably would never realize I believed it, it’s not something I show, I try to stay strong and invulnerable so you can’t see what I’m thinking but I do. I’m scared to try new things because I’m afraid I’ll be bad at them, proving mom right. I’ve wanted a relationship, someone to like me and see my worth for so long but I’ve never actually believed I had any worth to see. I’ve wanted to be adventurous and try everything new that I’ve never done and prove her wrong but fear has held me back at times (lack of money has held me back at others) and recently I’ve been trying to work through those fears. To realize God has me here for a reason and that He doesn’t make mistakes and I have made progress, I really have. I don’t feel quite as worthless as I once did but in the back of my mind, maybe even where I didn’t know, it’s always been there. That voice telling me I’m not good anything, that mom’s right, no one will ever like me. And it scares me. It makes me scared to be cared for, scared that anyone who starts to be interested in me might get to know the real me and see how unlovable I actually am, after all, most people have left already anyways, why shouldn’t other people? It’s clearly me doing something wrong right?
But maybe I’ve been wrong, maybe there is someone who will care, maybe I can be happy without it going wrong. I need to stop over-thinking, to stop worrying that something will go wrong, stop being paranoid about being happy. Maybe I need to listen more to the quote from The Perks of Being a Wallflower: “Enjoy it. Because it’s happening.”