Tag Archive | Sadness

I Think I’m Lost

Okay, so I realize it’s been a while since I had an actual, legitimate post, and really, I don’t have a good reason as to why not. I’ve had ample time to write one, numerous thoughts running through my brain that probably should have been let out but I just haven’t felt like it I suppose.

In my last posts, I was full of hope, encouragement and looking forward to the future, not the case now. It’s like I’m broken or something. I have so many times when I have good days and I feel all hopeful and awesome and then sometimes even the next day I just feel broken, not here and completely hopeless. I don’t even know how to explain it really, it’s not a steady decline into sadness, it’s a sharp, unexpected plunge into depression. I don’t like it, I don’t like writing about it (And I suppose that’s partially why I haven’t) because I want to be happy, and encouraging and have something meaningful to say. But honestly? I don’t. I don’t have encouragement or wisdom on how to get out of this. I know I will get out and I do continue to know that God is good and He will provide but sometimes I’m so in pain and sad that I just want to curl up and cry until everything’s ok. Which is NOT how I want to live. I want to do important things, changes lives, be something, do something incredible with my life. Change the world. But right now, I have no idea how to do that. At least not while I’m at home. At home I feel lost and alone.

I need a hug.

Hope (What an ironic name I have, eh?)

November 21, 2012

I’m the Eleventh Doctor

I know this sounds silly, but the reason 11 is and always will be my favorite Doctor is this, he feels worthless like I do. He jokes and laughs and acts ridiculous nearly all the time to mask his pain and insecurity, which if you know me in real life is what I do quite often. People who don’t really know me, would really never know anything was wrong, I hide it well. And it is true laughter and I do have fun and stuff but I laugh harder and throw myself into other things that make me happy to cover up the pain and the hurt of the past, of people leaving and of feeling worthless which I think is what he does too.
He laughs and is ridiculous most of the time, but then there are times like these, times when he’s so sad, and so upset and feels like nothing he’s ever done is good enough because he’s failed, he’s hurt people, people have hurt him, he’s been left, he’s broken but still he cares about everyone. It doesn’t matter to him how hurt he is because other people are more important, he wants to save everyone, no matter what the personal cost to himself because he doesn’t matter, he’s worthless but everyone else isn’t, they all matter.
“In 900 years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important.”
He cares about everyone else and so do I. We don’t care about ourselves because we don’t matter, but everyone else does. That’s how I feel and that’s how I think he feels, 11 has moved on from the other regenerations, he’s tired and feels useless, helpless and worthless but he’s going to keep fighting for others, for his friends.
“My friends have always been the best of me.”

Hope

February 13, 2011

S.A.D.

As I’m sure everyone knows, Single Awareness Day (more widely known as Valentine’s Day) is tomorrow. For most of us, it’s a terrible day, full of heart-break and commercialization that seems to have been created just to rub it in the face of those without people that some people in this world are completely happy and actually have someone who cares. It seems to me as if a couple happy people in relationships just got together one day and said, “Lets make a holiday to make most people miserable. Doesn’t that seem like a good idea?” And thus, the holiday was started.
Probably the worst thing about the day is you can’t even ignore it! The whole world seems to push it in your face, it’s just like BAM! Valentine’s Day. Be sad. :/
But, as cynical about this as I am, we should all try to make the best out of the day…