I Fear Oblivion
It’s a Saturday night, 10 pm. I’m 21 years old. My 16-year-old sister is on a date with her boyfriend. Facebook is telling me two of my friends just got engaged and another couple just got married. My iTunes sings constantly of love (Because apparently people can’t talk about anything else?!) I’m sitting on my bed, in sweats, torturing myself with my favorite book that’s full of feels (The Fault In Our Stars – John Green, dang it! Why do I continuously re-read your books and let you give me so many gosh-dang feels?!?!) and wishing I had an adventure.
It’s not even that I’m so much sad right now, really, I’m doing a lot better (especially compared to earlier in the week). My situation hasn’t improved at all (In fact it might be a little worse) but somehow my attitude has but now I re-watched the Hobbit and I’m reading about people living their lives and doing things and I’m sitting here doing nothing (Not that reading is nothing, it’s my favorite but when that’s all I have to do, I want more) and I just want to go somewhere, do something new and exciting. Unfortunately I have no means of doing that or I would just get up and leave, drive somewhere even. Do something. Even nights at school where we’re not doing something exciting, I still have people to be with and being with people is always worth it and exciting and meaningful because people are the most meaningful thing there is, really, and I miss that.
I hadn’t realized before college just how much of a people person I am but I need that, that presence of other people, people to talk to, to laugh with, to just be with. I want that right now. But no, currently I’m car-less transportation-less and 98% of my friends live at least 4 hours away from me.
I feel like Belle, at the beginning of Beauty and the Beast, I want adventure in the great wide somewhere, I want it more than I can bear (That’s one reason really that I’ve always connected with Belle and why she’s always been my favorite princess, she didn’t sit around and do nothing). I want that, I want to do something, much like Augustus Waters in TFIOS, I fear oblivion. I don’t want to be forgotten, I want to be known, I want to be helpful and remembered because I did something. Not because I spent all 5 weeks of my Christmas break doing nothing, alone.
Also, quite selfishly, I want to be loved. Like Augustus loved Hazel. I know, I know it won’t happen, I know it’s not my destiny, at least for now, but I want someone to look at me like I’m beautiful, to think about me, to care about me. I want someone to look at me and think I’m worth something. I want a boy who would say, “It would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you.”
Ironically, despite my name, I’m afraid I’m quite hopeless really.