Probably the Most Angsty Post I’ve Ever Had:

WARNING ANGST AHEAD. I just need to get it out though…

I do NOT like living alone. I have far too much time to think. During the week it’s ok, I have work, I see people, I hang out sometimes, but during the weekend I’m alone. My roommate goes home and I literally saw no one today or yesterday. I just get sad with my thoughts. I’m excited for people to be back soon but then I think, what if things changed over the summer? While we were away, what if they like everyone else forgot about me? While they were working at camp and couldn’t communicate with me, what if they decided they didn’t want to? What if we get back and our friendships aren’t the same? I already know things will be completely different since we’re all in different places, but what if they’re like everyone else and they don’t want to hang out, or if we all get to busy to hang out? I can’t stand that thought. I’m scared. I care too much. Always. I need them but they don’t need me. I’m not needed by anyone. I’m just the one that needs. I need to get rid of my feelings.

Found on Tumblr that is exactly how I feel:
– I can’t picture anyone daydreaming about me. I can’t picture someone thinking about me when they’re laying in bed before they fall asleep. I can’t picture anyone telling their friends about me. I can’t picture anyone getting butterflies because I hugged them, or even just because I made eye contact with them. I can’t picture someone smiling because my name lit up their phone. I just can’t.
– I wish I was pretty, or smart, or artistic, or creative, or motivated, or clever…
I wish I was something and I wish I knew what I was if I am something…
all I feel like lately is a failure…

I’m just scared and worried and getting depressed more and more the longer I’m alone. I don’t want to be like this, broken and hurt. I want to help heal others, not need healing. I want to be needed and loved, not be the only one doing the needing. I hate being alone.


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About elvishjesusfreak

I'm learning to love and be and grow up and things are hard but God is always so good.

11 responses to “Probably the Most Angsty Post I’ve Ever Had:”

  1. David says :

    I found your site a few days ago. I love Dr. Who and have been watching them one right after another (into season 5 now). I’ve gotten caught up in fuctuibak characters also – lost in them sometimes. In fact lately I’ve had various dreams about being with Dr. Who and having my own adventures! I read your post tonight (twice) about your angst – glad you could get it out and share. I don’t know if this would be anything good or encouraging to read but I found this post for the what it’s worth department ( Anyway, I enjoy reading your blog, enjoy the photography too and hoping you’ll be able to cross off a few more things on that bucket list from time to time.

    • elvishjesusfreak says :

      Thanks for reading! And for commenting! Yes, The Doctor is a brilliant character who I love quite deeply. I’m sure things will look up soon, I just had to get my thoughts out.

  2. David says :

    i meant “fictional characters” sorry for the typo on that. fingers were all over the keyboard.

  3. robby1975 says :

    You are not alone. We have all had moments when we think the same thoughts. Just because things change does not mean its a bad thing. When we think we are alone that we have hit a major bump that life is not the same that is when we need and should turn to our friend our Lord our Savior Jesus. Brennan Manning (a great author you should read if you have not) says that the single thing that we should form our entire life around is the incredible love Jesus has for us. I know you have a deep love for Jesus and want to follow him. We who feel this way are sometimes the last to turn to Jesus in our times of need. I hope things will work out for you that you are surprised by how awesome things in your life turn out. I will pray that this happens.

  4. kford2007 says :

    I need you. :-) I enjoy your posts. I know we don’t know each other but you’re one of my regular peeps I visit every day. It’s normal to be homesick or feel the way you do, but you are needed, and people you know do think of you and miss you too. God has amazing things planned for you. You’ll get through this I promise.

  5. Victoria-writes says :

    Sorry to hear you’re feeling down but you’re not alone – we’re here and I know everyone will be glad to see you!

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