A rambly post that doesn’t count as my post of the day because this is kinda angsty and I’ll post a better one later.
Ok, so as you can tell from my extremely long post title, this post will not be my only post for the day (Well, unless some sort of extreme circumstance happens like a unicorn stabbing me through the heart or a monkey kidnapping me or something keeps me from writing later. Wow… this is getting weird already… This is why I don’t usually post at 2am…) and it will be a bit angsty. Not too bad, but some about my life this summer recently.
So really, things have been getting much better, I haven’t been lonely because of my new friends and other than dying of the over 100 degree weather we’ve been having this week, I’ve actually been doing quite well. Yeah, I really, really miss West 5 still and that will continue until I can see them again but God is good and is teaching me so much about how He is truly all I need. I’m even doing better at asking for me to think of His will, and not mine, which is going ok, considering I’m a human and have stupid desires and am bad at being selfish. But anyways, my missing my friends has got me thinking, I only have 2 more years of college, and then what? Sure, I’m positive I’ll stay friends with at least some of these awesome people, but how many? And how? We’ll all be separated by who knows what amounts? I can hardly stand to go the summer without them, what happens when I have to go longer? And of course, it might be obvious by my writing but there’s one person in particular I will miss the most. The person I think most about out of everyone. And I try not to, I really do, I pray all the time that I would only focus on what God wants, and that I’ll just not even think about this person in this way if God doesn’t want me to. After all, God is in control, and knows my future and has a beyond brilliant plan for my life. So why am I still so impatient? Why can’t I stop imagining my future with this person? Why do I have trouble imagining him not being a permanent staple in my life? In my mind, I could totally see a future with him, but what if that’s not what God wants? What if God has someone completely different for me? Would I be ok with that? I mean, there’s already been countless friends who’ve only been in my life for a short season, what if he’s one of them? I can’t bear the thought of it but I have to be open to the thought that God’s ways are not mine. And I’m trying to be ok with that, and just let whatever comes come, and that sort of them. But it freaks me out… I’ve gotten so used to this person being in my life, my best friend, my confidant that I can’t picture life without him. Either as a friend or something more which is what I, Hope would prefer. Asdklfjd. I wish I knew what God’s plan was here, I know I have a lot to trust Him about, and I know that His plans will always prevail and be better than I could imagine, but in my head, this is the best thing that could happen, and the thing I want most in life. I just wish I knew if that’s what God wants too. Because honestly, I want God’s will to be my will. And I want to trust God completely and love Him and honor Him and not worry about anything else.
So that’s what I’m working on currently…
I will now stop this angsty, not well put together, rambly and slightly psychotic sounding post.
I’ll write later!