What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger, Right?
As I mentioned yesterday I’ve come home for Spring Break. As I’ve mentioned in the past, home ranks very high among my LEAST favorite places to be. As usual at home, I’m having trouble not getting discouraged and completely disheartened. I know that God is here for me and I have several friends who are as well which has been brilliant and as usual a life-saver but I hate this feeling. I hate feeling sad and vulnerable and discouraged. I don’t want to be sad, I want to be strong enough in my faith that I never doubt why I’m going through something. I know He’ll never give me more than I can handle and I know through everything He will have a plan. So why is this so hard? Why do I go to bed at night when I’m home feeling like crying? Why is it that my mom can reduce me to feeling worthless and unloved even when I have other people who assure me that’s not the case. It of course helps when friends stay up with me til 1:30am, letting me vent about my feelings and they tell me they’ll be praying and reassure me of God’s plan and love and their love for me and to just listen to Skillet’s The Last Night and go to bed feeling loved but no matter how much I hear that words from my mom always cut me down. It hurts. And I hate it. When I feel like this I just feel weak and feeling weak makes me feel like her. Which is my biggest fear, ending up like her. I know, it sounds terrible. I sound like a terrible person hoping with everything in me that I turn out nothing like my mother, my own flesh and blood, the one who’s supposed to love me but with everything she says to me I can’t help but feel this way. My best friend though last night was reminding when I was so heartbroken and hurt that it’s only in our weakness that God can be strong. We can’t do anything without Him and His power will always prevail, He is good and He will give us strength. That definitely helped a lot and I’m trying to focus on just how true that is. No matter what God is with me, and He’s blessed me with some amazing friends who will be here for me too and will be kind enough to listen to me vent and will always provide me with encouragement.
I’m sorry this post is angsty again but I needed to get it all out.
I’ll leave you with some of the things that have been providing some encouragement, two of my favorite songs and some encouraging verses.
Psalms 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
1 Peter 2:24 He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed.
1 Peter 4:19 Therefore let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.
Lay ‘Em Down – NEEDTOBREATHE
Come down to the river
Come and let yourself in
Make good on a promise
To never hurt again
If you’re lost and lonely
You’re Broken down
Bring all of your troubles
Come lay ’em down
The Last Night – Skillet
This is the last night you’ll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I’m everywhere you want me to be.
The last night you’ll spend alone,
I’ll wrap you in my arms and I won’t let go,
I’m everything you need me to be.