I Don’t Know What’s Wrong With Me


I’m going home (to college) on Sunday, I’m going to hang out with some of my best friends tomorrow, I should be happy, be thrilled and not angsty at all but instead I’ve just been hit with a super angsty feeling again. Why does this keep happening? I mean, I am thrilled to be going back, I can’t wait, to see my dear West 5 friends and be back in Manhattan with the people I love and consider my family but at the same time I’m depressed again. Maybe it’s the combination of the weather, and the fact that I’ve been home for a month with my family, I don’t know what it is. I said earlier and it’s still true that I am stronger this time than I’ve been before but it’s been hard. I’ve tried to act like it wasn’t and hope that acting that way would make it easier but it hasn’t. And I can’t stop being angsty about my lack of a relationship with a guy too. No, I’m not being one of those girls that needs a guy to be happy, that’s not it at all it just seems that I don’t think I’ll ever have a guy. My heart feels like giving up. I want to trust that God has someone for me but even the Bible says that some people are meant to be single. What if I’m one of those people? I can’t stand the thought of it and yeah, I know I’m young and still have time but sometimes I just feel so down and like no one could ever feel that way about me. All these people I know are getting married and engaged and some of them are even younger than me and I can’t help but wonder, when is it my turn? Will it ever be my turn? This is happening to everyone else and I’m here alone. I’m not truly alone, I know that, I have wonderful friends who are always here for me but I wonder if it’ll ever be my turn to fall in love. To have someone care about me. To have someone hold and kiss me. To have someone look at me like I’m amazing. I want that. I know that I have all the love I need with God and I truly am trying to be content and I sort of am. I’m happy with God’s love, it’s so perfect and I fall more for him each day. I wouldn’t have this longing inside if I wasn’t meant to find somebody, right? Or am I truly one of those meant to stay single? And why can’t I just stop thinking of it and being angsty? This is an annoying feeling. I hate feeling alone and unloved and angsty. Ugh.
Ok, I’m sorry, I’d been doing well at not being angsty but there I go again. I’m sorry, I just had to get that out.

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About elvishjesusfreak

I'm learning to love and be and grow up and things are hard but God is always so good.

8 responses to “I Don’t Know What’s Wrong With Me”

  1. Ames says :

    It’s ok to get it out, in fact it is better than holding it all in. And it’s find to feel lonely and angsty at times too, but don’t stay there in your mind. Fill your head with the promises of God. If God has given you a desire in your heart for marriage, He is more than capable of bringing it to fruition. Faith comes from God, but doubting is a choice (well, that’s what I’m learning too).

    It’s been a bit tough for me too because last year, 3 of my friends got engaged and my ex-boyfriend actually got married lol but through it all, God has encouraged me and reminded me to wait on His timing and not take things into my own hands and settle for less than His best for me. Don’t give up! Sometimes God delays bringing someone into our lives because there are things He has yet to work out in us (or maybe in the one we are to marry!). He is a jealous God and doesn’t want us to turn to other relationships for fulfilment but to find all our joy and fulfilment first in Him.

    You are loved by the Great Author of Love Himself and you are never ever alone because He is always with you and will never forsake you.

    Stand strong, beautiful daughter of the King! He is more than enough to fulfil all your needs and wants AND He desires to bring our dreams to pass. Matt 6:25-34 really lifted my spirits this week, so I hope reading it will lift yours too :).

    God bless!

  2. Victoria-writes says :

    I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling so down. I really hope things brighten up for you soon. Stay strong!

  3. leeleegirl4 says :

    <3 It will work out, eventually, Hope *hugs*.

  4. Emprie Web Design Company says :

    I wanted to thank you for this great read!! I definitely enjoying every little bit of it I have you bookmarked to check out new stuff you post

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