I Don’t Know What’s Wrong With Me
I’m going home (to college) on Sunday, I’m going to hang out with some of my best friends tomorrow, I should be happy, be thrilled and not angsty at all but instead I’ve just been hit with a super angsty feeling again. Why does this keep happening? I mean, I am thrilled to be going back, I can’t wait, to see my dear West 5 friends and be back in Manhattan with the people I love and consider my family but at the same time I’m depressed again. Maybe it’s the combination of the weather, and the fact that I’ve been home for a month with my family, I don’t know what it is. I said earlier and it’s still true that I am stronger this time than I’ve been before but it’s been hard. I’ve tried to act like it wasn’t and hope that acting that way would make it easier but it hasn’t. And I can’t stop being angsty about my lack of a relationship with a guy too. No, I’m not being one of those girls that needs a guy to be happy, that’s not it at all it just seems that I don’t think I’ll ever have a guy. My heart feels like giving up. I want to trust that God has someone for me but even the Bible says that some people are meant to be single. What if I’m one of those people? I can’t stand the thought of it and yeah, I know I’m young and still have time but sometimes I just feel so down and like no one could ever feel that way about me. All these people I know are getting married and engaged and some of them are even younger than me and I can’t help but wonder, when is it my turn? Will it ever be my turn? This is happening to everyone else and I’m here alone. I’m not truly alone, I know that, I have wonderful friends who are always here for me but I wonder if it’ll ever be my turn to fall in love. To have someone care about me. To have someone hold and kiss me. To have someone look at me like I’m amazing. I want that. I know that I have all the love I need with God and I truly am trying to be content and I sort of am. I’m happy with God’s love, it’s so perfect and I fall more for him each day. I wouldn’t have this longing inside if I wasn’t meant to find somebody, right? Or am I truly one of those meant to stay single? And why can’t I just stop thinking of it and being angsty? This is an annoying feeling. I hate feeling alone and unloved and angsty. Ugh.
Ok, I’m sorry, I’d been doing well at not being angsty but there I go again. I’m sorry, I just had to get that out.