Wise Words from Dwight Kurt Schrute
Once a month, both our RA’s have the duty of making several bulletin boards for our dorm floor. They can be on anything really and are usually quite entertaining. This month, one of the bulletin boards is “Words of Wisdom from Dwight K. Schrute”, obviously, being a huge fan of the Office, this bulletin board has filled me with great happiness inside and inspired me to write a post of my all time favorite quotes from Dwight Schrute.
– “I don’t care what Jim says. That is not the real Benjamin Franklin! I am 99% sure.”
– “I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then, my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. In my second life I was also a paper salesman and I was also named Dwight. Absolutely everything was the same. Except I could fly.”
– ” ‘R’ is among the most menacing of sounds. That’s why they call it murder and not mukduk.”
– “I do not accept your surrender. There’s only one way that I would ever relent: You hit Pam in the face with a snowball, while I watch”
– Jim Halpert: OK, with all due respect to everyone here, I think the most worthy opponent of you is you.
Dwight Schrute: That is correct. Unless there happened to be measles present.
Jim Halpert: So let’s just say that Dwight has come at you with the throat punch. Now how would you, Dwight, defend against it?
Dwight Schrute: Easy. Allow me to demonstrate. I am attacking myself with a throat punch. Here it comes. [gives himself a fake throat punch] Block. Grasp wrist as such. [grasps wrist]
Jim Halpert: And what if he comes at you with the other hand, because he does have two.
Dwight Schrute: Good point. Second, throat punch, absorb the blow. [gives himself another throat punch and proceeds to both attack and defend himself] Groin punch, hip block, elbow to the gut. Uh oh, up to the nose. No, you’re not. Ow! Oh!
Jim Halpert: Oh my God, he’s making you look like such a fool.
Dwight Schrute: He really is, but not for long. [steps on foot] Ow! Instep, oh, not again. [more screaming] You let go, you let go. Oh, you’re right, I can’t hold on.
Jim Halpert: You two are so evenly matched I don’t know how one of you is going to get the upper hand.
Dwight Schrute: The important thing to remember Jim… we always have what is called the element of surprise. [hits himself in the groin and moans]
– Jim Halpert: I don’t have a ton of contact with the Scranton branch, but before I left I took a box of Dwight’s stationary. So, from time to time I send Dwight faxes. From himself. From the future.
[as Jim reads the letter the camera cuts to Dwight reading]
‘Dwight, at eight a.m. today, someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions will follow. Cordially, future Dwight.’
Dwight Schrute: Nooo! [knocks coffee out of Stanley’s hand] You’ll thank me later.
– Ryan: Did you see Saw?
Dwight: Of course I seesaw, Mose and I seesaw all the time.
– “I am faster than 80% of all snakes.”
– “I have no vampire experience, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got there, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog.”
– “When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had reabsorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.”
– “For several weeks, my Secret Santa has been giving me pieces of a machine that I’ve been attempting to assemble. I’m suspicious of this because I had the exact same idea … for catching Osama bin Laden. I would simply send him a different piece each day. He would assemble it, only to find himself… IN JAIL!”
– “I never smile if I can help it. Showing one’s teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.”
– “It’s good to be paranoid. People need to be more paranoid. Case in point, JFK. If I had been JFK, I would’ve seen all three gunmen. I would’ve pulled out my concealed Luger and fired first. Man in book depository, boom! Grassy knoll, boom! Fake Jackie, boom! Then I’d shoot myself, so I don’t change history and create a paradox, boom! But right at the last-minute I twist out-of-the-way of the bullet. Nice try, history. Better luck next year.”
– “I have been Michael’s number two guy for about five years, and we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like Mozart’s friend. No, I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you’re gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy”
– “Would I ever leave this company? Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most.”
– “In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, ‘Ow, I hurt my leg. I can’t run. A lion eats me. I’m dead.’ Well, I’m not dead. I’m the lion. You’re dead.”