If I Could Turn Off My Feelings, I Would.
Trust me when I say I wish I could turn off my feelings. I hate feeling impatient, jealous, having crushes that will never be returned and any other crappy feelings. Why can’t I just stop it? Trust me when I say I try everyday to stop these feelings. Especially my crush, I know I have no chance, trust me, I know I don’t. I try every single day to stop it. I hate it but I can’t stop, I care too much about you. I wish I could turn them off, I wish that I could just see you as a friend which is how I know you see me and the only way you’ll ever see me. I wish my heart wouldn’t flutter stupidly every time we talk. I wish that I wasn’t jealous when you spend time with other girls and flirt with them. I wish I didn’t care so much for you when I know you don’t care at all like that about me. I am truly blessed to have you as a friend, I just wish my head didn’t want it to be more than that so badly. I’m sorry if you read this, just disregard what I’m saying right now, it doesn’t matter.
Feelings in general just suck. I wish my heart didn’t break every time my parents lecture and yell at me. I wish I didn’t feel lonely sometimes. Or feel completely useless and bad at everything. I wish I remembered how to feel truly happy, yeah, I have fun times sometimes and laugh and joke with my friends but being truly happy? I don’t even remember a time when I was. Anyone who has read my blog for any length of time can tell I’ve been depressed, anyone who didn’t read those posts I’m guessing would probably never know. The majority of the time I’m good at faking it, hiding behind a fake smile and laugh, and sometimes it is genuine but not genuinely happy. It hasn’t been that in forever. I don’t even know when these depressed feelings started, sometime in the past few years, when my parents started getting really bad, when almost every word out of their mouths cut like a dagger. I don’t know, maybe some of this depression will go away once I stand up to my parents, but honestly I’m worried about how many more problems that will cause. I’m sorry dang it, I know I’m being angsty again. I wasn’t going to do this again, I was going to try to post happy things but I had to get this out. I hate how much my emotions have a hold of me, why can’t I get rid of them!? They cause me nothing but pain ever. I need to get rid of them.
I cannot believe I’m putting this on my blog, because now unlike normal, people I know actually read it. I mean, I love all of you that I know that read it but I’ve never been quite this open about my feelings. I guess I just needed to get these feelings written out because that’s helped a bit. But I’m really sorry about the angst. Just don’t think about it. Carry on as normal, I promise I’ll be fine.
Thanks for reading. I’ll try to be happier next post.