If I Could Turn Off My Feelings, I Would.


Trust me when I say I wish I could turn off my feelings. I hate feeling impatient, jealous, having crushes that will never be returned and any other crappy feelings. Why can’t I just stop it? Trust me when I say I try everyday to stop these feelings. Especially my crush, I know I have no chance, trust me, I know I don’t. I try every single day to stop it. I hate it but I can’t stop, I care too much about you. I wish I could turn them off, I wish that I could just see you as a friend which is how I know you see me and the only way you’ll ever see me. I wish my heart wouldn’t flutter stupidly every time we talk. I wish that I wasn’t jealous when you spend time with other girls and flirt with them. I wish I didn’t care so much for you when I know you don’t care at all like that about me. I am truly blessed to have you as a friend, I just wish my head didn’t want it to be more than that so badly. I’m sorry if you read this, just disregard what I’m saying right now, it doesn’t matter.
Feelings in general just suck. I wish my heart didn’t break every time my parents lecture and yell at me. I wish I didn’t feel lonely sometimes. Or feel completely useless and bad at everything. I wish I remembered how to feel truly happy, yeah, I have fun times sometimes and laugh and joke with my friends but being truly happy? I don’t even remember a time when I was. Anyone who has read my blog for any length of time can tell I’ve been depressed, anyone who didn’t read those posts I’m guessing would probably never know. The majority of the time I’m good at faking it, hiding behind a fake smile and laugh, and sometimes it is genuine but not genuinely happy. It hasn’t been that in forever. I don’t even know when these depressed feelings started, sometime in the past few years, when my parents started getting really bad, when almost every word out of their mouths cut like a dagger. I don’t know, maybe some of this depression will go away once I stand up to my parents, but honestly I’m worried about how many more problems that will cause. I’m sorry dang it, I know I’m being angsty again. I wasn’t going to do this again, I was going to try to post happy things but I had to get this out. I hate how much my emotions have a hold of me, why can’t I get rid of them!? They cause me nothing but pain ever. I need to get rid of them.
I cannot believe I’m putting this on my blog, because now unlike normal, people I know actually read it. I mean, I love all of you that I know that read it but I’ve never been quite this open about my feelings. I guess I just needed to get these feelings written out because that’s helped a bit. But I’m really sorry about the angst. Just don’t think about it. Carry on as normal, I promise I’ll be fine.
Thanks for reading. I’ll try to be happier next post.
Hope

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About elvishjesusfreak

I'm learning to love and be and grow up and things are hard but God is always so good.

12 responses to “If I Could Turn Off My Feelings, I Would.”

  1. Hudosn Gayfunandtech says :

    Figured I’d throw my two cents in, as I’m in the same boat in certain aspects, and had similar problems not too long ago. I’d honestly just tell whoever it is you’re interested in how you feel, that way you don’t keep doubting yourself, and you’re no worse off than if you didn’t ask. If you get a ‘no’, it’s just back to where you were, a ‘yes’ and you get what you sought to achieve. On the parents thing, I didn’t have the exact same experience, but can tell you that I lived with my Mom and step-dad up until the end of my junior year. Our relationship was such that we disagreed on just about everything, from politics, to religous and moral values, to every other thing in between. It wasn’t a good environment, and it was affecting my (lack of a) social life, ability to do well in school, get a job, etc. I ended up moving in with my dad and step-mom and managed to get my first job in a hard economy, a car, and start to expand myself socially, and improve a bit (but not a lot) in school. I managed to work hard, both at my job, in exercising a bit more, and in making new friends. Eventually my relationship with my mom improved to the point where we had/have a sort of mutual respect, but the distance and infrequent visits are a big part of that. I take it that despite being in a separate environment at K-State, you don’t have the luxury of visiting or occasionally conversing with them. I don’t know the specifics about your parental problems, but I would be logical, and above all, calm in making your case. I can’t say that it worked for me, in the sense of winning them over, but don’t blow up. Present your side, or opinion, or what have you, and tell yourself that that is what matters, not their personal opinions. I don’t mean you should ignore there arguments for the sake of doing so, but it’s a fact of life that you won’t see eye to eye with every aspect of every authority figure, and being able to accept that difference, even when they won’t, can make all the difference in feeling better about yourself. As for the general depression and loneliness, I’m right there with you, though perhaps not to the same extent, I tend to feel like I’m having the time of my life, just happy to be going about my day, or I can’t do anything but sit and relect on feelings of loneliness, boredom, and overall, just emptiness. I’m finding it’s affecting a very delicate balance. I’m not working as hard as I should academically, and I’ll be the first to admit I feel I’m neglecting my floormates for other friends. Again, I don’t have it sorted out myself, but the best advice I can give is to get enough sleep (as I type this at 2 AM, haha.) so your mood isn’t affected by it. If you (and by you, I mean a hypothetical person, not you specifically) don’t get enough you become grumpy, and more likely to become depressed throughout the day. On the other hand, if you lay in bed trying to go to sleep you’re more likely to brood on these things, which isn’t good. Exercise is another one. I know it sounds cheesy, but it’s good for you both physically and mentally. You’re healthier, which means you won’t feel sluggish throughout the day (the main reason I work out in the afternoon, as that’s my low point energy wise), and because your brain releases endorphins which is a fancy way of saying you’ll feel confident, energetic, and up for anything. I can’t tell you how much it helped my self-esteem to go from not exercising at all to even just a couple times a week. My final piece of advice is to find something you are passionate about and just throw yourself at it. Mine would probably be writing, but even writers block keeps my mind off of depressing topics, as I’m trying to innovate and figure out what to do next. Hope, sorry for my REALLY long reply, but know that you’re not useless, and that if you need ANYTHING, I’m always here.

    • elvishjesusfreak says :

      Dude thanks so much for this. Honestly I did tell the person how I feel and I knew they wouldn’t feel the same and they didn’t. It’s fine, I’ll get over it eventually, I just have that stupid hope still that something might happen. It won’t but for now I just can’t get over him. I will say fortunately at least we’re good friends, which means a lot to me.
      Those are really good points about parents too by the way, I’m going to do this as politely and respectfully as possible (Though currently I’m still pretty clueless as to the specifics of what to say). About the lonely, depression, thats exactly how I feel. Sometimes I’m having a great day then even later that day I’m uber depressed. And those are all good ideas, I should get more sleep (Though our floor is so gosh dang distracting that I never do!) Exercise is a good idea, and as you know I’ve been working on that.. so hopefully that’ll help soon. Passion definitely helps, writing my blog even when they’re completely pointless posts makes me feel better. Another passion is all my nerdy fandoms, which also help me out, as stupid as that sounds.
      And don’t apologize for the long reply! I appreciate it! And thanks, I will remember that.
      Thank you. I really do appreciate this a lot.

  2. slytherpuffclawkim says :

    Can I just say how well written that was. I’ve seen many a blog of people being “angsty” and their thoughts are incomprehensible and confusing. But with you, I can feel what you mean. I get what you’re saying. I wish you all the best with your struggles and hope they get better.

    P.S.- I’m that person from tumblr that inquired about your wordpress and said we needed to be friends.

  3. Coryn says :

    I think, more than anything, that you need an outlet for your emotions. It seems like you’re always bottling them up. Writing them out like this will help yes, but you might need a more visceral way of dealing with them. If you’re having issues with people you need to take them aside and talk it out. If you’re feeling sad don’t be afraid to cry. And if you’re pissed off: scream and yell until you’ve let the emotions flow out. You must learn to take hold of emotion, and use it to power you. Fearing and hating them isn’t going to lead you anywhere. I don’t usually advise one follows the way of the Sith (well that’s kind of a lie). But they made some good points. You have to vent. So do it anyway you can.

    • elvishjesusfreak says :

      You’re probably right. I do bottle them up but I can’t stand to let people see how I’m really feeling most of the time, I mean, when I’m happy sure anyone is welcome to see that side of me but I don’t like people seeing my weaknesses. I never have, I haven’t cried in front of people in years but I know it’s unhealthy to keep it all inside. And I do suppose the Sith did have some good ideas in that respect…

      • Coryn says :

        Nobody likes appearing weak. We are after all pressed in this society to be strong and independent. But sometimes we have to let pride fall at the wayside. I’m not saying make a spectacle of yourself of course.

      • elvishjesusfreak says :

        True. And definitely not… But that is true I suppose… I’ll do my best.

  4. Amir says :

    Me 2, All the same, I have feelings, the lot of it and it sucks,

    I just wish I could turn them off and live in peace

  5. amber says :

    Im sorry for yu i feel yur pain

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