I will forewarn you that this post is gonna be a bit angsty. So the past week I’ve been like constantly with people and almost never alone and therefore felt like my depression from the summer had lifted. Now however, that it’s Sunday and I’ve been mostly alone, (Well, technically I was with people but all of us were on our computers and not talking…) and had time to think, it’s coming back. I just feel really lonely, and depressed again. I’m sure you’re all tired of hearing (or, um, reading) about it but just everything from feeling forever alone, to having my family be the way it is and with my best friends so far away. And now my best friend in Kansas is moving all the way to Florida and it just sucks. I know that things have to get better sometime. I know that you can only go down so far, but I’ve been going down for so long, when will I come back up?
I know that I should be patient, I know that God has an awesome plan for me, I know that somewhere, sometime in my future, God has an awesome guy for me. But why can’t I find him now? I accepted that I wouldn’t be one of those who found my high school sweetheart, I know that romantic movies are completely unrealistic (Trust me, I know) and I know that you don’t find true love right away, but I want to know when it will be my turn. To have someone who loves me, someone I can turn to for anything, my other half, my soul mate, the person I’ll spend the rest of my life with. I wrote a post the other day about falling for a friend but now I feel conflicted about those feelings too, and might be falling for someone else too.
Then of course there’s the whole family thing, I’m away from them for now, but I will have to go back eventually, I mean, not having a car makes the whole going back thing easier to avoid but even for holidays and stuff I’ll have to go back. And my sister’s there, I hate the fact that she’s stuck there, hearing that crap all the time, when she’s done absolutely nothing wrong. The girl is one of the sweetest people you’ll ever meet, she doesn’t deserve this. Nobody does. But I don’t know what to do about it, and that scares me.
It also scares me that I’m opening myself up so much on the internet, I mean, I would never tell even half of my friends this stuff, so how on earth do I feel comfortable writing it out? What if someone says something about this, and since I’m afraid of this, why do I keep writing? I mean, writing makes me happy, and it makes me feel better and it’s something that at least people have said I’m good at, but putting my heart out like this, scares me. I’m not usually open to people like this, ever. Only when I know someone really well do I tell them this, yet I tell you guys all the time.
I guess what I’m trying to say is just, right now I’m scared, which scares me too. I’ve always been the one who’s never scared of things. Scary movies didn’t do anything to me as a kid, I wasn’t scared of the dark, or monsters under my bed, but now that I’m older, I’m scared of sharing too much, yet also of holding back. I’m scared of feeling alone, but I’m scared to let my true feelings show.
I just don’t want to be scared, or any of these other feelings. I hate it.