Summer’s here but I don’t want to leave.


Today is over! All 3 finals out-of-the-way, I’m finally a sophomore! I don’t yet know what grades I got on my finals so I’m still quite anxious about that but hopefully I did well and now I can stop stressing about that however, due to another conversation with my parents, grades seems the least of my worries for the summer. I can honestly say that if I had any choice on going home, I wouldn’t, at all. I would go anywhere but there. I can’t stand it, I’m just so thankful I have good friends who has said they’ll kidnap me if it gets to bad and a blog where I can let my thoughts out on. Without those things and most importantly God, I’m not going to lie, I would’ve at least self-injured quite a lot. Normally I’m super good at hiding my feelings, if I don’t want you to know how I’m feeling, you would never know, but in the past few weeks, I’ve been so depressed because of my mother that people who barely know me have seen me crying and have known I am depressed. It’s terrible, and I hate, I like hiding my feelings. I hate when others see me cry. My best friends from 2nd grade have only seen me cry twice, and those were both when I was moving away from them.
I don’t like this weakness at all but I can’t stop it. My parents (Especially my mom) don’t even seem to realize what they’re doing to me. Mom keeps reprimanding me on how I’m not respecting her enough, and how I make her feel worthless and how all she does it make sure I’m taken care of. I honestly can’t see any evidence of what’s she’s done for me. Everything I say she just twists around to make me the bad guy. She literally called me, yelled at me, then hung up on me tonight. Then she called my dad crying about how terrible I was to her and he called me and made me apologize. When I talked to her again, she complained about the way I said “I love you” to her the phone call before. Apparently I wasn’t sincere enough and I sounded rude.
I honestly don’t know how I’m going to make it through the summer… No one should ever dread to come home. No one should wish more than anything that they didn’t have to go home again.
Hope

Proverbs 15:4 ~ Kind words heal and help; cutting words wound and maim.

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About elvishjesusfreak

I'm learning to love and be and grow up and things are hard but God is always so good.

4 responses to “Summer’s here but I don’t want to leave.”

  1. vixter2010 says :

    So sorry to hear how upset you are and how you dreading going home. All I can say is you have the support of your friends and people here and you can take strengh from your faith. It sounds like you might need to have an open talk to your mum when you get home about how you’re feeling and maybe that will clear the air. Failing that get a job and try and be there as least as possible! Hugs x

  2. Deborah the Closet Monster says :

    That picture was not what I expected following words proclaiming done-ness for the semester.

    As I read on, I remembered many hard conversations I had with my mom. Some of the things your mom said recalled times my mom said almost those exact words to me. I’d always fought with her–no matter how much I loved her–so they glided off me a lot while they did not do the same for my sisters.

    In my case, it was easier to let go of when I saw that some of those behaviors were tied to illness. (She was diagnosed with schizophrenia, but wouldn’t tell us who “made up” that “BS” diagnosis.) But that “when” was a long time coming for all of us, and there was a lot of hurt that preceded it. Even for one who tried letting it just slide off . . .

    I am rooting for you, and hope you will find sources of strength in the weeks to come. If anything, I’d hope you can remind yourself: This is about her, not me. That’s what I remind myself when I encounter horrible situations now. I can’t control what other people do, and reminding myself of that fact is sometimes what helps me get through.

    Ganbatte.

    • elvishjesusfreak says :

      Yeah, the title wasn’t a very good one but I couldn’t think of anything that really reflect my emotions unfortunately. Thanks for your kind words, I’m definitely trying to remember it’s not about me. I’m definitely trying to stay strong. Thanks!

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