What I wish I could say to you, but I can’t. So I’ll write it here.

You tell me that you love me but your actions say otherwise. You’ll never know how much it hurts me when you tell me I’m a fake, when you say how disappointed you are in me. When you say how smart and wonderful she is but you never tell me that, at least not to my face. Yeah, I know that you love me, you say it all the time but as YOU taught me, actions will always speak louder than words. Sometimes your actions say you love me, but later, you bring up those actions to guilt trip me into doing stuff that I shouldn’t have to do. I do so much for you but you act like I’ve never done anything and that I’m the most selfish person in the world. I never want to come home, the only reason I want to is to see my friends. Spending a week here is awful. Last year, I wasn’t sure I was going to make it to the time when I could leave for college. It’s torture being here, you wonder why I always try to find things to do elsewhere? Well think about it a little closer. Then maybe you’ll understand. If I didn’t have God here with me and I couldn’t feel His arms around me all the time, I would’ve self-injured myself. He’s the only thing keeping me how I am. You act like I’m the worst child ever, I’ve never cussed, never drank, never smoked, never had sex. So what exactly is so bad about me? You tell me that I’ll never be able to fulfill my dreams but I’m going to prove you wrong. I’m going to be an F.B.I. agent. And I’ll live in London for a year too. Those are the two things I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember and I will accomplish them both. Don’t you dare doubt me. Please, I beg of you. Just believe in me. You accomplished your dreams, and I will mine. Then maybe I won’t be such a disappointment to you.


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About elvishjesusfreak

I'm learning to love and be and grow up and things are hard but God is always so good.

4 responses to “What I wish I could say to you, but I can’t. So I’ll write it here.”

  1. vixter2010 says :

    So sorry you’re feeling like that but you’re right to take positively, go for your dreams and be who you want to be! Believe in yourself and trust you’re a good person, it’ll work out one day I’m sure xx

  2. fornormalstepfathers says :

    Well…I guess people do not realize what their words or the absence of those words mean to others. You sound like a good kid to me :-) Being a mom, and having thought a lot about my mom, I realize, moms sometimes do not give their children enough credit. The important thing is to understand what moms’ motivation is – I want the best for my kid, I am so terrified he will do something he should not, I do not want his heart to get broken and …a very long list of things I want to protect him from. Out of this fear I sometimes say or do stupid things I regret. Being honest helps. I try to explain my motives are, the reasons for doing something. Sometimes it helps a lot, sometimes it does not.

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